the sinner & the saint in 2018

I did stupid things over the holiday weekend. Not like the kind of stupid that is going to get me into trouble or cause any damage. It was more the kind of desperate needy girl stupid that makes you act out of character and do things you later regret.

I don’t regret much in life. I’m usually pretty good about seeing the lesson in all things, even if they hurt, but I regret this weekend and the stuff I said. Actually, I was lying in bed this morning, and I thought about how I regret the entirety of the last 2+ years. I regret the moments that I let happen, the things I said, the stuff I didn’t, every little bit of it. I shouldn’t have done any of it. I shouldn’t have let any of it happen. I definitely should not have let it obsessively consume my life.

As if those feelings exist. Ha! It’s all such bs.

Yes, I’m being a little dramatic about it. Whatever. I might even take some of this back later if I ever figure out what the hell it was all for. Right now though I don’t care. I want to forget all of those feelings. Anything I thought I’d gotten out of it is completely gone now. So none of it makes sense or seems to matter anymore.

I’m sad inside. And if I think about any of it too hard or with too much focus, I start to feel sick to my stomach. I hope that feeling will go away soon.

Also, I feel like I should mention that I’m in some decent physical pain. Which very well could be contributing to my sh*t mood. Not to mention hormones and holiday nostalgia which undoubtedly played at least a small role in the stupid stuff I said this weekend. It all just kind of combined into that terrible disaster.

I’m ashamed at my actions and so embarrassed. I’m not even going to go into details because I feel like such an idiot for it, but I’m sure you can guess what it involves.

I had blood drawn yesterday morning. Seven vials later and I definitely started feeling worse last night. Toss and turned. Hard to get comfortable. Lots of scrunched up facial expressions and wincing in pain far too often. My appointment is on Friday and I’m hoping this new lady will have some kind of something to treat me. Even if it’s a temporary solution. I don’t necessarily want to go back on steroids but I’ve gone way back down hill and I cannot live like this.

The only thing I’ve been able to think about over the last few days is how badly I want to disappear. If dreams could become reality right now I would immediately pack my bags, head out to a tiny cabin in the middle of nowhere, and not have to deal with any other humans for long periods of time. Just quiet and alone. Nature and I together. Pure peace.

This idea might be the only thing that is sustaining me right now. I so wish I could make it come true. I just need to get away. I need to be alone. I need to get rid of all of these feelings and be in charge of my own destiny again. There was a short time there that I had finally felt what it was like to be happy and I’ve completely lost that again. It’s freaken crushing my soul. Like I’m suffocating on the inside and no one can tell.

I guess the good thing about having a mysterious illness for 10+ years is that when it flares up again I can use the “pain” as an excuse to completely shut down and hide from the world.

You see, I don’t actually want people to know I’m suffocating. I just want the space away from every thing to be able to breathe again.

rose.
7:57pm

Last updated November 27, 2018