crazy for each other in 2018

Oct. 15, 2018-5:15pm

I don’t know where to start today. I want to say things to have a record of them, but it’s one of those things that’s difficult to put into words.

I was nauseous last night, which is stupid but it happened, and I toss and turned all night long. Nerves I guess. Or anxiety. Or trying to stave off the hopelessness.

That’s all to say that I saw TF last night. Not sure how much detail I’ll get into at this moment because it brings all those feelings bubbling back up.

Basically I was stupid and sent him a message on Saturday because I had had a few too many and everyone left me alone unsupervised. heh. =\ [also I think maybe I had a feeling something was gonna happen…]

Then yesterday he ended up at his brother’s house next door. We messaged back and forth pretty much all evening and long story short he eventually came over. I was home alone, that seemed to be important to him [probably scared of my mom and/or wanted to hit on me]. I was coming out of the bathroom when I heard banging on the screen door outside. Hello?? Anyone home?? Hellooooo??? That deep familiar voice calling out to me.

I went outside and saw him standing on the other side of the screen chomping on a popsicle. Opened the door, he came in staring at me, I hesitated but then went in for the hug. He was wearing a t-shirt, which I’ve never seen him in. Not terribly fit or in shape, which made me feel better for whatever reason. The hug was awkward because he went in like he was going to kiss my cheek but then I leaned in and he leaned away. I don’t know. It was weird. Like just kiss me if you’re going to without making such a big damn deal out of it. At least on the cheek. I’m not going to turn away from that.

I would have preferred to stand out in the courtyard but it was cold and getting dark so I asked if he wanted to come inside. The house was a mess but I told him not to judge. I’m sure he did anyway. He was commenting on the table by my mom’s couch. Asking about my couch, my blanket, what I was watching on TV [hallmark channel - “that’s weird” - ok whatever…]. I guess it’s good he didn’t comment on the terribly messy counter. It was covered in supplies for pie making, plus stuff from the previous night’s get-together.

He did make mention about the people on tv kissing. I said I wasn’t going to kiss him and we got into that whole thing again. It’s so unproductive and always ends in the same damn way. I won’t kiss him because he’s rude and disrespectful. He doesn’t get that. If he would just be kind, and not say stupid sh*t, I would totally love to kiss him.

He only stayed a few minutes and then was headed back towards the door. I really don’t think he knows how to talk to me. Or he was in a hurry to get back next door before anyone noticed. I’d already seen his son leave with his mom. I know he wouldn’t come over while his son was still there.

Anyway, he walked towards the door and paused to look at the pictures on the wall. First commenting on the elephants [my mom collects them] and trying to describe them: steadfast and loyal is all I remember. I wish I would have mentioned how females are in charge and smart! But oh well. He then said something about how miserable I looked in my college graduation picture, which yeah it’s a terrible photo. I told him at least I got a diploma and it was really expensive. He made a comment about good luck paying that off the rest of my life, or something, and I told him it was all paid off. Then of course he made comment about my living with my mom. Whatever. I swear he thinks I just sit around with my mommy all the time and that’s fine. I have absolutely no reason to explain myself to anyone. Honestly, I kinda like that people get that impression of me because the people that matter will take the time to realize that there’s so much more to me. And those that don’t matter, well, they don’t matter. Right?

October 18th - 11:54am

I’m back to work on this. Currently waiting in the car and figured this would be a good time. I really want to get it finished but I haven’t had time to sit down and focus on typing. It’s not as easy on my phone but I might not ever get it done.

It’s probably good I waited to continue because I feel about a thousand times better now. I was crushed Sunday night and all of Monday. I kinda hate that I let his words cut me so deep. But tequila and the ocean helped pull me out of the funk Tuesday.
Side note: my mom keeps asking what happened and I don’t tell her much so she won’t hate him but I give her bits and pieces to keep her at bay. She doesn’t understand why I let him bother me so much either. But it must be because I’ve liked him for so long that it cuts deeper than words from someone I don’t care about. Idk 😐

So anyway, after trying to figure out if he’d ever seen my brother around and looking at the rest of the super old pictures he was ready to leave. He put his arms out for a hug, which he’d done a few minutes earlier and I’d rejected, but I gave in this time. I love hugging him! It’s just he makes it so damn awkward!!! Like I will hug literally anyone no problem but he makes it into such a huge damn deal that I get so nervous!! [to the point where I had the most annoying tick in my face causing my cheek to shake as if I’d been smiling for hours!! Stupid face..] Plus I’m afraid he’s going to try more, which he never has and I’m grateful for, but he freaks me out with all his talk. Ugh. sigh

And it’s not even that I’d mind! But I freakin hate being pushed and/or told what to do. It just makes me want to rebel and do the opposite. That’s why I get all weird with him about things that are absolutely not weird with anyone else. He won’t let me explain this!

Ok so yeah we hugged, and it was great, with those strong arms wrapped around me. I could do that all day. But then I tried to move back. I actually think I was trying to look at him. As I did this though I could feel his arms press against me tighter and of course that sent me into a panic. I don’t know why I’m so damn traumatized but do not try to trap me or manhandle me!! Especially not with all the shit going on these days! He tries to act all macho/tough and I’m too strong for that. I know he’s not really like that, and I don’t know his whole story, but I can clearly see it’s from a lifetime of being told you have to be like that to be a real man. It’s sad really.

He made a comment about how I was acting like he was going to do something to me and I don’t know what I said but I kept moving away and he let go. I didn’t even realize it until later but I’d actually backed all the way into the closet door on the wall. It’s a small hallway but still. I remember noticing him looking at me and now I can only imagine his thoughts if he saw I was pressed up to the wall like that! I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t actually scared of him!

I think I was mumbling something about how he might considering all the comments he makes and how creepy he gets with it. There was some back and forth about being creepy as he walked out the door and I followed him all the way out of the courtyard. Not sure what we went on about. More stuff about not having brought me a popsicle. Hah. It all seemed fine to me. I yelled after him to get off my lawn and watched him from inside as he walked back into the neighbour’s house.

I sat back down at the table to respond to the client’s texts and while I was joking with him [he’d actually invited me for popcorn and a movie because he was alone. Ha. No. Not even giving that a chance to get creepy] and an email came through, “your going to be old and lonely”. 🤨 First he’s usually extremely good at grammar and proper sentences so I know he’d started typing stuff up quick. It must have been within like a minute or two of leaving my house. And I totally thought he was messing around with me! That’s how we are. But after the next few messages I’m starting to think he was already upset.

I told him that he was too, he said nope, and I said he didn’t have a ring either and was running out of time. He ended up calling me “little sister” probably because I’d called him buddy. I said our chances had just gone down to -700 after becoming his sister. He said we never had a chance because I think he’s a creep. Then I said something about having let him in regardless and shit took a nasty turn when he called me a 12yo girl that had never seen a dick. 😳 I was shocked when I read that. Wtf? He always, always has to flip things when they’re good and act like an ass. I know he does it on purpose too. He’s admitted it. It’s just to get under my skin and ruffle my feathers. But I think it’s also because he feels hurt and therefore has to hurt me. I wasn’t even trying to hurt him though!! It’s all so unintentional and he doesn’t even get it. He won’t take the time to understand!

I wanted to say so many things. I told him it was incredibly mean and I couldn’t believe he’d say that and how it was all just because I wouldn’t throw myself at him like some slut. He said there you go acting like a 12yo and argh 😡 I was fuming! I wanted to call him an asshole and a lot of other things but I deleted the words. I sent back another message asking what he wanted me to say. Was I supposed to thank him for offending me and call him a gentleman? Then I told him I remembered now why I walked away the first time. I’d go back to being a 12yo and he could go back to being a jerk that likes to piss people off for fun.

I maybe shouldn’t have said that last part but it was honestly a super censored version of f*ck off.

He almost immediately replied back with a super childish thumbs up , but I’m the one that acts like a kid. 🤷‍♀️

Then because I was still at the dining room table I watched his car lights across the street come on and he came out of the house, jumped in, and took off.

I’m not even going to lie, I got some sick satisfaction out of watching him storm off like that. I knew it was because of me. Without that exchange of words there’s no way he would have left so quickly! And I kinda like that after two years I can still drive him crazy like that. That I can rile him up so much he can’t stand being within a hundred feet of me and has to leave his family’s party. I get that that totally makes us the two most dysfunctional adults in this world but it is what it is.

Maybe I like the power? Or the feeling of control? Or just having that intense of an affect on someone. Because he does the same damn thing to me.

After I’d calmed down a little, shed a few tears, and processed I typed out another message. It was my chance to say so many things I’d been wanting to say for so long. I figured he might not even read it and I mentioned as much in the message, but I had to say it all anyway. And I’m kinda proud of myself because I wasn’t angry, or petty, or passive aggressive. I simply said what I needed to get off my chest.

I did start the message by saying that I didn’t understand why he always had to hurt me though and how he couldn’t just let this one good thing happen between us. I said I was the stupid one for ever thinking he cared about me even a little. That I was sorry I kept trying to be in his life when he clearly didn’t want me [I actually almost apologized for a lot of things but I’m not sorry for how I am and deleted it. Yay growing up]. I told him that even if it didn’t matter to him I wanted him to know I cared and he made a wonderful difference in my life. But also that I didn’t realize it was temporary and tried to hold on so tightly to something that doesn’t exist anymore. I said I’d let go now.
[and Tuesday morning when I badly wanted to reach out to arrange to meet/talk in person I reread those words. If there’s anything about me in this life it’s that I keep my word and so I honored that and said nothing..]

I ended it by saying that I truly hope he can find someone he can open his heart to. I told him not to push them away and that he deserved some thing good.

It ends there.
It certainly won’t be the last time I see him. Especially now that his freakin family moved in next door. Which sometimes I’m still pissed at the universe for even if I shouldn’t be.
Also in another twist, JR’s been working on this huge contract with a new company and contact and yesterday he finally gave me the details to it. Turns out the entire thing is being facilitated by and through TF. 😔 Of course. He’s now basically involved in every single aspect of my life and I have absolutely no say in it. Sometimes I still wonder if I seriously f*cked up in a past life, or maybe a family member did a hundred years ago, or perhaps I pissed someone off so bad that they set a curse on me. It seems I’m quite good at pissing people off and making them want to hurt me [ emotionally!]… 🤷‍♀️

rose.
1:28pm