different languages in 2018

7:35pm

I wish I had the motivation to do the NoJoMo thing this year. I have hundreds of words rolling around in my head, but I can’t seem to make them coherent enough to produce entries every day. I’ve been wanting to write for days now and I’ve had to force myself to put words to paper today. The thoughts are taking up too much space. I have to release them somewhere!

It’s the same ol’ bs anyway. My life seems to roll along in one giant circle. I start to think I’ve finally reached the top, made it through and survived, found happiness, and then I freaken fall back down again without warning. Like when the hell did that curve get there!?!

I feel like I’ve fallen into that pit again and I don’t understand what is happening to me. I’m so angry, and sad, and resentful. I snap so easily over stupid stuff. Like traffic, or my neighbours, or random people on the damn television that mean absolutely nothing to me and make zero difference in my world. It’s so stupid!

I caught myself saying things out loud today like, “what is my problem? that has nothing to do with me!”, or “oh man, why is that making me so angry?”. Or I keep thinking about how I’m kinda turning into a b*tch.

That’s another thing - I’ve been so hard on myself lately. I’ve started critiquing every thing again, from my looks to the way I function.

My mom said she thinks I need to go to anger management after I made one of the aforementioned type comments to myself at dinner and then buried my head in my hands. ....and it’s probably true. I’ve been randomly looking into seeing a therapist now and then lately. I think I need to talk to someone. I’ve lost my ability to psycho-analyze myself. I mean, I obviously still have the ability to recognize my emotions, realize they’re wrong, and decide I need to fix something. I’m so very grateful for that, but I can’t connect to my inner world as well as I used to. Not sure what’s blocking me or where I went wrong.

A little therapy, a little anger management, a little soul searching…or a lot of all of that is probably necessary.

I keep making these jokes about how I’m going to be “old and alone” anyway and therefore it doesn’t matter if I’m an angry ol’ bitch. But we all know the jokes aren’t really jokes. They’re part of my coping mechanism. They’re part of the way I cut the tension and express my feelings without actually having to say, “hey! these are my feelings! this is why I’m broken and hurting inside! Hear me! Help me!” Hmm…maybe that’s it isn’t it? A cry for help? I hadn’t really thought about that until I just wrote that line. Interesting.
A cry for help in a language that no one understands.
Hi Rose, I just figured out your problem!

Things that are clearly contributing to my mood:

• The “old and lonely” comment that I have very obviously internalized and let cut me way deeper than it ever should have. It was probably a stupid joke, or said to intentionally make me crazy, and I let it do exactly that. I’m letting it make me crazy, and sad, and emotional. He doesn’t even realize I let him have such an effect on me. That’s my fault. All of it.

• JR has basically fired me. This happened a few weeks ago. He didn’t straight up say I was fired but that’s pretty much what’s happening. He doesn’t think our schedules match or some bs excuse he gave. Nothing’s changed, it’s always been that way, but maybe he needs more now. I don’t know if this is where some of the anger comes from. I’m really just upset and sad that he wants to work with someone else. I know he hasn’t said that I suck, or I’m terrible, or anything like that, but it feels that way. Why else would someone replace you? Is this kinda like getting dumped for a younger woman? I don’t know. He took advantage of my friendship and I admittedly mostly let him. I like helping people and I really wanted him to succeed, so I did more for him than I might have done for some other people. Or maybe not. As I said, I like helping people!
  After poking and prodding him for answers about what the hell we’re going to do now, we finally decided on Friday that I would finish out the year and go from there. It makes the most sense. I was a little afraid about what might happen if someone tried to take over two months before the end of the year. What a disaster that would be! And I would eventually have to be the one to fix it. So this is the best option and I’m glad he came to his senses in that regard.
  I’m so hurt though that I’m having trouble wanting to do anything for him. I’ve definitely cut back on all the extras. I cut him off when we’re on the phone and he tries to talk about personal things. [Stopped interacting on snapchat or reacting to his stupid puppy pictures, etc] I don’t give him any extra time - same as I would any other client! I know I’m being a little petty about it, but I can’t help it. I straight up told him after it happened that I was in fact upset and I didn’t want to be super petty about it so I just wanted to get things done and over with. It’s hard though. I think at this point, even if he suddenly decided to keep me around, I wouldn’t know how. I’m not sure we could go back to the way things were. =|

• Back to TF for a second: I think I figured out that one of the reasons why I can’t let go is because of the hope I still have. Like if I’d dated someone, split up, and then watched that guy move on I would realize it was completely over. Without even considering the fact that we never really got our “start”, he’s also given me absolutely no reason to believe that he’s moved [or is moving] on either. I haven’t seen him with anyone else. We don’t really have friends in common, but I know pretty much all of his family and no one has ever mentioned him with a partner. Not even my random estalking turns up anything. And the way he showed up here the other day [after what? like six months without seeing each other?] and he still had that desire in his eyes. It’s so freaken hard to let go of him! That stuff keeps the hope alive inside of me. I’m so terrible about letting go of things in general; this just makes it worse. I would totally move on if I saw him with someone new. If I knew that he was over me, didn’t want me, and was into someone else. But there has been zero indication of that. In the two years since we went on our first date, there has been absolutely nothing to convince me that my feelings aren’t real and that he doesn’t feel the exact same way. [there’s so much more I want to say about the fact that it’s been that long and we both still seem hooked on this crazy complicated disaster but I won’t do that now]

It’s terrible and stupid just like every thing else…

This has helped a little, as it always does. I need to write more, and process, even if it hurts to start.

Tomorrow I have to wake up early to drive several hours to attend the funeral service of an old family friend. Not sure that’s going to help any of these feelings, but I have to show up…even when it hurts.

rose.
9:10pm