Around 5am this morning I decided that I had enough and that I was going to commit suicide. Really do it this time. Not like I have in the past, but to make sure there would be no possible way I could wake up. I decided this and I decided to delete everything. Instagram, Facebook, twitter, snap chat, everything. Erase myself like I never existed in the first place.
But now I'm scared, I am so so so scared because there is no going back and I won't know if it ever gets better for me or where I am gonna end up. I know this depression won't go away, Ive accepted that fact a long time ago but what if I end up living in a beautiful city in Europe surrounded by books and coffee and beautiful people, and I love it. Or I might end up on the street doing nothing with my life with no friends and no family and I don't want to wait around for that.
Most of the time I wish something horrible would happen to me. Like i get into a car accident and I die, or that someone takes me and just kills me. Its a horrendous thought to think but its only because I don't know if I could do it myself.
I am just so scared.
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