Desensitization is a goddamned nightmare. in In My World

I don’t ever put trigger warnings on my journal because it’s mine and I don’t write for anyone else but If anyone reads this I talk about suicide.

Things have been rough around here for most of the people in my life for at least the last week or so. Some longer, some not quite as long. I don’t know what is in the fucking water but it needs to stop now.

My depression is really bad right now and it fucking sucks but I’ve been pushing all my shit aside to try to help the people around me. It’s emotionally taxing but it keeps me from getting too lost in my own head. Things are really hard right now for so many. At least my low lows aren’t as dark as they could be.

A friend of mine came to me saying that he’d survived a suicide attempt and that he’d be checking in to region 10 today. My first reaction should have been worry or fear when in reality my first reaction was “of course you survived it” and to move on with what I was doing. It wasn’t until I sat down and talked to him about it that I started to feel the fear. The worry that I could have lost a very close friend that night. I felt awful for not being worried in the first place but I didn’t tell him.

The problem is that suicide is a common topic in my life and there are a few people who have talked about it like it’s a real possibility and there have been others that just wanted the attention. When did I become so fucking jaded that that didn’t worry me at first? Of course it’s serious. Of course I should worry, and I do, and I am, but not at first.

There are a few people who bring up hurting themselves but it’s always a boy-who-cried-wolf situation so it’s hard for me to believe them. I try though. I try to always take people seriously when they tell me how low they’ve gotten.

He admitted to being a flight risk and told me his girlfriend and best friend won’t let him drive. I’m proud of him. I’m so fucking proud of him for moving forward and doing what he needs to do to get better. I know this is the calm before the storm–things are going to get worse before they get better–but at least I know that he’s still here, still fighting. I care very deeply for him and I’m glad I was able to realize that this isn’t just another attention situation because I know he needs me right now.

If you’re struggling and you’re reading this right now…I’m so fucking glad you’re still here, still fighting.

There is so much bullshit going on in my life right now that I feel like I’m drowning and I just keep taking on more. At least the chaos is a good distraction. I wish everything wasn’t constantly a crisis situation. I’m not complaining, though, I’m just glad to know that my friends are still here fighting through it all. I’d rather drown in the chaos then be numb ever again.

I need a damned vacation.