I attempted to add and entry last night but i guess i did it during the site update so it never saved or uploaded.
i will apologize for lack of punctuation and spelling. when i write i like to just let it all flow through my fingers. i find it the best way to clear it all out of my head. if i stop to fix things i lose the flow.
i have been under stress lately. a few things causing it. some are new some are not.
i had a pelvic ultrasound a week or so ago. i had to hunt the doctor down to get my results. all she told me was that i has a few smallish cysts which are normal for me. but she then told me there was a complex cyst that was large on my right ovary. she neglected to tell me anything about complex cysts. so i took it upon myself to research them. i didn’t think i would find anything bad. i just wanted to know why it was considered complex and what made it different than my other cysts. the only reason i didnt question my doctor about the complex cyst is bevause the last couple of times that i went there she made me feel like a pain in the ass patient. like i was being over paranoid and asking too many questions. anyways, i have a family history of cancer on both sides so i am at a higher risk than the average person. i also have ocd so i obsess about having cancer and it not being found until its too late. my Dad had flu symptoms and weeks later was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. so if i have a cyst that has a reputation for being cancerous i feel like it is more than likely. but again i have raging ocd. i can feel this complex cyst, when i move, bend. it makes me have to pee becuase it is pushing on my bladder, it is also fucking with bowel movements. tmi idgaf. im venting grow up.
next up.....
jordan makes me feel crazy. he makes me feel like i am the abuser and not the abused. i don’t have anyone to talk to about this. i had two people i would go to but one told me she doesnt want to be involved any longer and the other is a friend jordan and i share. i trust this friend but i dont want to put him in a position to defend his friend or make him uncomfortable. back to it. soemtimes when he gets mad or we get into it i end up feeling like i am the one hurting him.
PAUSE* I am upset that my writing didnt save last night. it flowed so much better.
so only two people know about the abuse. my family has no idea. if i told them i might as well sign the divorce papers. he isn’t really physically abusive. here is what i mean. he hasnt hit me in the moment but he will leave bruises after the fact and act like he is horsing around and got a little too rough. now it is possible that what i just said isnt how it is but how i see it. i always feel like he is angry at me and i always feel like i have to walk on egg shells. i have bruises on both of my arms right now because during one of those times when he wasnt angry he stabbed me really hard with his fingers multiple times. you cant see the bruises well but they fucking hurt even just to brush my arm on something. hurts enough to wince when someone touches my arm. if he wasnt angry and holding grudges or whatever would he do taht? or is that just another way he can abuse me without it seeming like abuse? he has this way of making me feel guilty when he is the one angry and being mean. like i feel like i did something wrong and i end up apologizing. that is abuse right? sometimes i feel like i am making it up. i am afraid of him. i need someone to talk to that isnt going to judge me or tell me to leave. i dont need a preacher. i need a friend, an outlet.
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