reader beware, this may not make any sense. I am having an off day and i just need to get all the damn thoughts out of my head. i plan to write them just as they come out.
i have no idea what is going on with me. i guess i have been off the last few days? at least that is was he has told me. i feel angry, maybe at him. it feels like its at him. but idk why. i sometimes cant tell what my real thoughts and feelings are and what thoughts/feelings belong to my mental illness. these last few days my thoughts have been he hates me, he is disgusted by me, he is annoyed by me and he is mad at me. he has been looking at me lately with this look of pure disgust. i have felt so stupid lately because of the things he says to me. he has a way of making me feel i am less than i am.
like this morning… i have been telling him that i hate sleeping so late on the weekends. he always gets up early and just leaves me there in bed. i have been asking him to wake me up so i dont sleep so late. he never does. he didn’t this morning either. when i came downstairs and he asked why i looked cranky i told him i didn’t want to sleep late and he didn’t wake me. i was watching tv at the time of this conversation. his response was “well what difference does it make if you got up when i did? you are watching tv and doing nothing right now so it wouldn’t be any different.” that comment made me feel so lazy and worthless. am i justified in feeling that way? i cant tell anymore. i also cant tell if some of the thoughts i feel after our conversations like these are a result of reality, my mental illness or the mental abuse. sometimes i think the mental abuse alone has made me feel crazier than my depression ever has. so anyway, that conversation set the tone for the day. i have been in a blah mood since. but then again i usually am.
i miss having friends. i feel like they gave me a reason to get out of the house. i haven’t really had any friends since my Dad died. i think when he got really sick and i neglected my friendships to care for him was when i lost my friends. at first it didn’t bother me but here i am three years later and it bothers me. i literally spend my free time on the couch. watching tv. i am lazy. i hate that i am so lazy. this isn’t me. not the me i remember. how do i get her back? where the fuck did she go? i have so many things that i would love to do. but my motivation isn’t there. idk. when i really sit here and think about how different i am from who i was, i hate it. it makes me honestly wonder why the fuck i continue to live. no i am not suicidal. i have heard all that bullshit about how suicide is a selfish thing to do, think about your loved ones and what it would do to them. yes i know. i have been suicidal many times. just never have the balls to do it i guess. i am afraid of pain and i am afraid i will regret it. but there have been just as many times that i have regretted not doing it too. i have never really thought about death as a way out because of the conditions of my life until recently. before it was also i was tired of the depression and the grip it had on me. anyone that has been there understands that when you are under the control of your depression, it doesn’t seem fair to think of how others would feel if you left the world because you are living in such turmoil that live just isn’t worth living. only those that have been there get it. reminder: i am not suicidal.
i just have so many thoughts going on in my head right now. they wander back and forth amongst them all. it also makes them hard to keep track of.
i am tired of not feeling like myself. i am tired of feeling like my husband doesn’t want to be married to me, doesn’t love me and whatever. i feel like i have no idea who i am anymore. i want to enjoy life. i want to be happy. its just so hard (that’s what she said). he told me not too long ago that i used to be such a fearless, i dont give a fuck person. what happened? i am filled with so much fear about so many things.
HOW THE FUCK DO I GET OUT OF THIS? HOW DO I BE ME? HOW CAN I BE HAPPY? HELP ME!
i feel so alone. all the time. i feel alone even when he is home with me. more alone then.
when i look back life it was so different. so much better. i remember being happy. but maybe i wasn’t.
i was hoping that after writing awhile i would feel better if i got it all out. but i don’t feel like i got it all out. it’s all wedged in the crevices of my brain.
i am home alone right now. i feel sad and i don’t know why. maybe because i wasted away my day? because he left and we haven’t gotten along all day? who the fuck knows.
i just feel like what the fuck. will this ever end? will it be like this the rest of my life? feeling empty? i don’t even know what i enjoy doing anymore. i used to love to bake. i baked all the time. i don’t bake at all anymore. same thing with sewing. i don’t really do that either. photography was my favorite hobby but i do that even less than sewing.
THIS IS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!
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