se8 in idea barrages

1.) Drama Machines have No Soul.

2.) Most of your heroes, accomplished well-to-do successes, spend most of their time deeply unhappy, cursing the world that they’re not a lot more famous, a lot richer, a lot more celebrated.

3.) If you have too many near-death experiences, you can develop Corporeal Tunnel Syndrome.

4.) Narcissism isn’t exactly obsessive self-love, it’s more like being obsessively in love with a perfected version of yourself that doesn’t exist, never existed, will never exist and being absolutely gutted by any reminder that you will never be that person.

5.) Your painting THE TREACHERY OF MEMES will consist of Paul “Crocodile Dundee” Hogan being threatened with a switchblade and the caption “Ceci n’est pas un knife.”

6.) Everything is political. Every single choice and action is political now. I’m not saying I like it this way, I’m not saying it’s good that we got this far, I’m just saying, this is where we are now.

7.) The first time I heard “Bohemian Rhapsody” I thought he was saying that his mother just killed a man.

8.) Strangely enough, living in a country barreling toward bald autocracy and on a planet teetering on the edge of nuclear war that could well be triggered by a social media posting, it actually takes the edge off of being a Mets fan in 2018.

9.) On eating pizza with knife and fork: if Pizza Hut counts as “pizza”, you have to eat it with a fork and a knife because it’s so greasy handling it with your fingers will give your grandchildren acne. Also, on the topic, how does Pizza Hut manage to burn the edges of pepperoni yet leave the middles as weird rubbery cups of oil? How do you do that on accident, let alone as a uniform company policy?

10.) Your D&D warring party of all bards will eventually retire to form an emo band called “Alchemical Romance”.

11.) A crossover of COP AND A HALF and TWO AND A HALF MEN would be called THREE MEN AND A LITTLE COPPER.

12.) Like 83% of all slang on Twitter, kombucha was a prank played on some really sheltered white people that got out of hand and now it’s accidentally a real thing. “Snoop really put one over, getting them to say SHIZZLE, I’m gonna see if they’ll drink mushroom ass tea.”

13.) “Don’t worry about the empire,” the Roman senators said, “these briefly-elevated members of the underclass beating each other to death will distract the hoi polloi and the good times will roll forever!” Are you ready for some football?

14.) I dropped the roll of toilet paper and, to retrieve it from a sitting position, I had to delicately balance pulling it toward me without making it just unspool further & further away. And it was a better metaphor for being alive than I could ever write on purpose.

15.) If your PARKS AND RECREATION porno spoof wasn’t called PARKS AND REPRODUCTION, what were you even wasting the poor actors’ and actresses’ time on?

16.) I like to think that about 17% of all braille is actually just dirty jokes at the expense of us sighted jerks. And hell, we deserve it so I’m not even mad.

17.) The feeling the child experiences at the end of a sixteen-hour sneaker sweatshop shift doesn’t have a word in English but it is roughly pronounced in Chinese as “Doit”. He experiences the soul-crushing feeling of Doit. Just Doit.

18.) These days, Mr. Whipple would be Tha_Whipz and he’d be disappointed when no one used his hashtag #pleasedontsqueezetheCharmin.

19.) George, George, George of the Emo, shoegaze all he sees… siiiiii-ii-i-iiii-iii-ii-ii-iiiigh Watch out for that twee!