It’s my friends birthday today and he wanted to go out for a meal. I did not feel well in myself and have been depressed all day so I thought I may bring down the mood. But I love him, he’s one of my best friends so I said yes.
So today I actually bothered to put my makeup on, put some nice clothes with long sleeves and was ready. I actually felt pretty for a little bit.
So all together there is 5 of us, we’re a very close knit small family kind of friend group. For some reason however I feel ‘off’. It feels as though theres a glass wall parting me from them, I’ve been dozing in and out of conversations and I can’t lock eye contact with any one of them for too long. I feel as though I have to force the smiles and laughs out of me then I think oh no there’s this awkward atmosphere because of me I feel so bad I can’t be like this on my friends birthday.
I actually thought ‘I want to disappear’. That thought has been with me for a while now but tonight it’s been on repeat in my head. I feel so lost and disconnected. Heck im here at my friends house, they are playing mario kart and I’m at the far corner of the sofa writing this all down. My head is so full with noise and I can’t force the smiles for much longer.
Then I feel shame for feeling like this. These people are supposed to be my closest friends whom I can share anything with. But tonight I feel like an outsider. It feels as though they expect me to feel better now and be over what has been troubling me. But I’m not. I’m not okay but if I let them know this they are going to be like “why are you still letting it bother you/I don’t know what else we can say to help you” I don’t want you all to say or do anything to make the pain go away, I just want to be heard.
But I can’t ruin the night.
Everyones laughing and having fun.
So I need to try too.
After writing this all down I do feel slightly better so thats a start.
Good night everyone lets hope I get through this. Thanks for reading.
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