So recently I lost my job. I could tell it was coming though, I have not been well these past few weeks and I was not able to keep up with the work rates that were recquired of me. It was a very bitter sweet feeling. I got along with my team and we were like a little family. My team leader told me that she thought I was a gem and a true team player that everyone will miss. That made me warm inside to think she felt like that about me, but also I felt disappointment in myself that I am leaving such a good team and that I have brought them down.
I do feel the dread of having no income and being supported by my family again until I find a new job. Also the judgement I feel from my family and friends is too much for me to bear now. It’s like I walk into the room and I can feel a sudden shift in the atmosphere and I kind of shrivel in on myself and try to leave as quickly as possible. I knew this was coming though so I tried to prepare myself for the glares but it’s still tough no matter what.
At the same time though I feel slightly ‘relieved’. I did not really like the work I did, the travel to work was horrible and every day I worked there I kept on remembering my past, thoughts in which I’m not ready to face head on yet. I will have to face them one day and really reflect on them however right now I need more time. Everyone thinks I’m a strong person and that I’m getting over things so well. Heck even my older sister said she looks up to me because of that quality, “you just get on with things like a badass, you see whats really important and strive for it without letting anything beat you down”. Thanks for thinking about me like that, but really I’m just good at hiding them away and focussing on other things. The thoughts and feelings always come back at night like a punch to the face, ten times worse because I left them for so long without reflecting on them. And lately with everything that has happened my emotions are more in control than my will power.
So right now I’m in a very odd place. Even though my situation is terrible I’m quite ‘calm’ about it all, I can tell though that this is like the ‘calm before the storm’ kind of feeling. I feel as though I should be more worked up about all this like how my family are but I’m not. It’s a very strange feeling.
The only thing that is bothering me right now is that I feel quite lost. I have nothing to really strive for during my days now and I don’t really have a long term goal, I feel so lost within myself. I am trying to fill that gap with random chores and spending time with my pets but the feeling refuses to budge. I need to do something, I want to do something but what?
My family have left the house for the day so it’s just me today which I feel is a good thing. I can now take this time to comfortably reflect and think what I truly want. I may not come up with an answer to that straight away but it’s a start.
I think the tea for today shall be Cranberry and Raspberry tea. Something warm and fruity to energize myself ^.^
Loading comments...