So I’ve had a pretty odd night tonight.
I went to the games night that my friends do every Tuesday night but since there were fewer of us today we just ordered take out and put on whatever horror movie we found.
One of my friends told me to go with her to walk her dog while the others stayed. We walked for a bit and then she asked me the deadly question,
“Are you okay?”
I don’t know why but whenever someone asks me that I immediatly break down.
I am not fine. I’ve lost my job. I’ve been to my doctor and was told I have depression and anxiety and am on medicine with councelling being sorted for me. I find it difficult to eat, sleep, wake up, go out and just talk to people even my friends. I have bad thoughts every day and the biggest thing (that I think started my downfall), I went through a rough break up and I still think about him. Every day has been torture for me, even though I know I’m not wanted by the person I love so much, instead of trying to push forward my head keeps thinking of him. I don’t mean to think about him but my mind keeps going back to him, it’s like my brain thinks I want to torture myself. It’s a sick joke.
I’ve felt so empty and lost. I told my friend,
“I don’t think im fine”
There was silence for a little bit but she knew, she asked me if ‘he’ was still troubling me and I nodded. I’ve dreaded having this conversation with someone. My family and one of my other friends (who I share a lot with) think that I should be ‘over’ this guy by now. I wish I was but I’m not. And I feel as though if I try to confide in my family and friend about this they are just going to get angry at me, again. But this conversation went differently. She calmly asked me questions about my emotions and kept saying she is not judging me but trying to understand me a bit better and she said something at the end of our conversation that has stuck with me all night,
“I think it’s honourable that you followed your heart and cared for someone you so clearly love. It may not have been the same for him and ended badly but it’s an honourable thing that you followed your emotions and tried your best for him”
I never thought of it that way.
I’ve felt sadness, bitterness, anger, jealousy a flux of all sorts of negative emotions about my past relationship. But when she told me that, I kind of agreed with her. Even though things ended badly I did what I wanted, I loved him with my whole being and did my best for him. I did what ‘I’ wanted. This may seem like a very small or inferior point, but it did lighten my mind.
After this we went back and continued our night with the others. When it came to walking home I decided to sit in a local park for a little bit before going home. And for the first time in a long time I cried. For the past few weeks I’ve tried not to cry but in those moments sitting in an empty park with a stray black cat rubbing my legs, I cried. I decided to let my emotions flood me with no hold back. It was quite a relieving feeling just letting go like that. Also the cat was adorable and I wanted to take it home but it had a collar on so it already has a home…sad times.
For the first time in a long time I feel slightly clearer in my mind. I know that hard days are still to come but at this moment in time I’m kind of like in a moment of bliss. I’m melting some chocolate to have a hot chocolate, got my dog for a cuddle and a few episodes of Critical Role to watch. It’s going to be a calm night for me I think and I’m quite excited for it ^^
Thank you if you read this far haha I’ve just realized how long this is!!!
As always writing this down has helped me, I think I’m going to try to keep up with regular entries, each time I round my entries off I have felt so much better. Also sorry if there is a BUNCH of spelling or grammar mistakes, it’s pretty late haha
Well it’s a good night from me ^^ niiiight.
Loading comments...