Confused in First Journal

I dont know what to make of it. 2 people have interpreted it differently and they’re not wrong but it’s probably their reaction to such behavior. She told another girl that I had started to see, that I’m an amazing man, that this girl should cherish every moment she gets with me. My sister thought it was fucked up that she reached out to make things awkward and try and be in control. My friend said shes telling me something. He thinks once she goes and life fucks with her she will come back. It may be when I’m just getting over things. Well not getting over but coping better. I’ll never be over. I do of know where shes coming from but I dont know if I’d ever make that move of telling that person that she started to see. I’d just have to deal with it internally. When I think about her I just think about what I’m missing out on. My feelings being reciprocated, feedback, just being able to talk to someone intimately at the end of the day, saying I love you, being able to hold someone in silence with smiles, kissing her, and let’s not lie to the journal I do miss the sex. My point is, in my looking back I do know that, while I was in it, I wasnt the best I could have been. I do have regrets. I should have cherished every moment and I should have told her she was amazing more than I did. Maybe she wanted to put that into the mind of someone she thought was at the beginning of a relationship with me. I know I would feel like that’s my woman and you better treat her right if your going to treat her at all. Male pride. Turns out its human. It’s like the only part you might be able exert control over at this point. She doesn’t want to be my girlfriend and be committed but she cares about me. That in itself makes me feel good. Granted she interjected herself into a situation I was trying to get out of with this other girl.

That girl needed a lot of attention and in my current over arching stupor I cant commit that kind of effort into another person. Lesson learned, I’m sorry. I didn’t know I wouldn’t be capable anymore or for a while. It felt good at first but then the actual real relationship part comes around and I have to be concerned about how this girl feels when I still feel terrible quite frequently. It makes her stressed about something at work seem shallow to my pain. The fact I am and was in pain is another thing. So I’m sorry I was a fool to try.

Anyway, I miss her, alexia, and she told me she missed me. I dont want to be used, but please fucking use me. I’m yours baby. She is also the one that sent me screenshots of what she said to the other girl. To which the girl said I was unresponsive and MIA on sunday. Let me say I contacted her friday and screened ALL calls Saturday due to depression and sadness and then on Sunday night she said I was MIA. It took less than 24 hours for this other girl to create a bigger deal than it needed to be. She could have an entire text conversation with me without me replying. No message is a message. Anyway Alexia my dear sweet Alexia told her I was with her on Sunday helping her with family stuff. Which is true, I was there from like 3 to 630 ish. She knows that shes saying to this girl it boils down to “He was with me”. Controlling and possessive, but what does that mean for me? Shes clearly expressed in this same span of time, This last weekend, That she doesn’t want a committed relationship with anyone not just me. I have said before many times I just want her to be happy and do what she wants in life. Then she can settle down and be satisfied with what shes accomplished on her own. It may not be with me but I still want that for her and for anyone really. Youth is a terrible thing to squander. Anyway, I dont know what this all means and it could be the final death rattle of a burst of regret and emotion as it dies in her mind and heart. I wish I could hold her and kiss her again. I’d torture myself with something good. My hope certainly is bubbling again. I love her too much to let go when I see a glimmer of it.

She went and had a mani pedi with a mutual friend she works with. Preface, I’m in a band, the singer/guitar player is a girl. Her best friend, that she also shares an apartment with, is the mutual friend that Alexia works with. She goes to all of our shows. So, they apparently did their thing Monday and ended up talking for 4 hours into the night after. The other girl is a talker let’s not be mistaken. I dont want to be so vain as to think they talked about me but I saw alexia the day before and she sent messages to the other girl both days before hand. I feel like it was a current event and they both know me in different ways, how could they not. I still talk or think about her every day. I wonder what they said.

Its 4th of July and I’m working today. I’m going to see Alexia afterwards. I’ll admit I just want to grab the hair on the back of her head and kiss her until im done kissing. But I’ll probably just stare and smile and be sad after. I told her that I want to be around her and I dont want her to be committed to me necessarily. I told her we are both adults and can have consensual sex with each other if we ever feel it. I’m such a dude. Hate it. I said masturbation is fun and all but sex is great. I can be bold in text but I keep that shit in my head when I’m live with a person. Sometimes I wonder if where her preferences are would line up with what I think in my head if I acted on them. I filter a lot. Anyway wish me luck prosebox I’m gonna go gambling with my heart. Reverse Russian roulette. Theres only 1 bullet missing.