A fools errand! in First Journal

I don’t know what I had said in my last entry, but I don’t care to look back. I was receiving signals from the X that weren’t real. She tells me she misses me. She sent a message to a girl I started to see to “mark her territory”. I asked her if I was her territory and she said I was, but she was still marking it. It got my hopes up again. I decided I would bide time as a friend and make her see what I’m capable of and be within reach if she ever wanted or felt like reaching out. I spent some afternoons and a morning brunch with her since my last post. A fools errand indeed. I knew it was a bad idea. She’s okay to have me around and I’m happy to be near her until I am home at night, alone. I miss cuddling with her and her smell. I catch a whiff of her hair when we hang out and I die inside. I wish she didn’t have such power over me. I wish I could be stronger than she is. I’ve resigned to giving up. I told her today why I was still around and that I can’t be anymore. I’m supposed to meet her after work today and say goodbye. Rough.

I do truly believe that I had to try because if I was willing to give up on someone I love, I’m not worth loving and I didn’t really love her. I can’t help that I love her more than anything in this world. I can’t help myself get over her. I can’t help myself. I told her she is a dream and I need to face reality. She told me she’s not coming back. It all hurts so much, but I think its a good lesson. I intend to have a child one day. If I have a son I can tell him its okay to cry and its okay to try. I can tell him that I tried for someone that wasn’t his mother, but it all worked out in the end because I got him. If I have a daughter I can tell her that she needs to do what she feels is right and the path is hard, but it is worth feeling something good and feeling good about herself in this life. I can tell either one all of these things and more.

That being said, I’m feeling pretty numb today. I want to go home and cry. I’m hiding at work at the computer in the back of the store typing this instead of working. I want to be loved again. I’m so alone in this stupid fucking life. Everyone is just a passer by. To me, to the planet, to nature, to life. Its all temporary and I try and take solace in that fact because it will pass, but it is also saddening. I don’t want to die but it will all be over eventually, and it will move forward whether I want it to or not. She will forget about me in time. I hope I forget about my feelings for her in time. Only because everything seems soiled and like second hand now. Everything will be my second choice or third choice from this point forward. I need to find something that makes her seem inferior. Something that makes all this pain, worth it. Something that makes me happy again. I do deserve it as she says. I was only loyal to her, I only cared about her, I only wanted her to be happy because I was happy to be with her. I am a good man and I want a companion because I want someone to share with, have a connection with and love. I don’t feel a lot of love in my life. I have passions, but no love. I don’t have a close family, partially by choice partially by conditions beyond my control. I’m a support role in a relationship and friendship I think that may be due to the fact thats what I want. The golden rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I’ll miss you, Love. You left me with your shitty sister, Sadness and she’s a cunt. Time to drag my feet all day and actually do work…