I do in Elm
- July 10, 2018, 10:51 p.m.
- |
- Public
I should care so much about what she thinks of me but I do.
I compare myself to her too much.
I wish I didn’t feel so scared all the time about everything.
And guilty.
I guess it’s because I am mostly alone and I allow my imagination to go wild.
I don’t feel settled. I have all this nervous energy in me. I don’t really know what to do about it all the time.
People’s lack of response to me lately drives me wild.
I start to feel ashamed like something is wrong with me. Like I did something wrong. That I am not that important.
I feel like people treat me this way.
But than again I feel like a I am important.
Important beyond measure. That I am a good person mostly. That I care. That I am valuable and I start to think that people don’t react to me that way is because maybe they haven’t noticed how special I am or they did notice and are scared of me. Because I am powerful. Powerful beyond measure. I am not really sure.
I do know that I am pretty perceptive of people and I am not that impressed with many people. It’s like I can see through them but than I am also mean and critical of them for shallow ass and petty reasons as well. Like an inner mean girl I have inside me. That has been trained to pit other girls against me or feel other girls are defensive or jealous of me and vice versa. It’s this all encompassing brainwashing that society does to women. This lateral violence because we cannot feel or actually get justice from those who really really cause the problems in our lives. At least I am aware of it and am forcing myself to act think and do better on that front. I want to be better I don’t want to be petty. It’s hard to do in the types of enviroments I live in. An all women building. But I truly do not really go out of my way to hate on people judge them unless they fuck with me some how. By bulling or doing bad shit to me and others. Because deep down with me I love most people really. I appreciate and care for them but have a hard time if they are rude cruel nasty evil people. I can’t take that. I don’t care what you look like what you do if you repeatedly do bad shit I have a problem with you. And will never trust or like you again. End of story.
Last updated March 14, 2019
Always Laughing ⋅ July 11, 2018
My inner mean girl comes out at times and i hate it. I am doung my best to keep her locked up. Sounds like you have a handle on what you want to do to move forward in a positive manner.
Asocial_Chaos ⋅ July 11, 2018
I'm going to make a stupid analogy but it's the best way I can describe what I mean.
A kind graceful duck will swim across a pond without leaving behind ripples in the water; without getting in the way of any of the other creatures swimming about or tearing at the rocks and grass surrounding the water. She will go unnoticed, no one else acknowledging what she does to make life easier for everyone around her. A disruptive duck will flap his wings, shoot himself in and out of the water, leaving waves that ripple all the way to the edge of the water. Everything around will notice his presence and if he does anything to correct his behavior, even for a moment, he will be praised.
You are important. But it's harder to notice because that's just how you are. You have the same thoughts and capabilities to be as disruptive as anyone else but you have something else. A sense of sympathy, an understanding that everything you do will have an effect on the things around you. And that can be really unnerving. But the people around you are grateful for it whether they know it or not. The world needs people like you to be sustained.