6/8/05 in Victim of Society

I was reading an old diary and it was back when I first started working at CPK. Most of the entries were about how much I liked Matt and then gradually fewer and fewer were about Matt and at the very last one which was on December 8th I wrote....." I hope I'm not starting to like Craig more then I should...he's 23. Twenty-fucking-three." haha...and thats when it all began! This emotional rollar coaster of me being all in love with stupid Craig. It's already June 8th....thats 6 months!!!! It's time to get over him already! I guess the only way I can get over him is if he really leaves. Part of me thinks that he's just scared because of the age difference but he really does have some sort of feelings for me. But then I remember that book I'm reading "He's Just Not Into You" and I realize if he really was into me he'd do something about it instead of ignore these feelings. I guess he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings and in reality..he just is not into me. He's not a good person anyways. Time will pass and I will hopefully get over him soon. He's been over-taking my feelings and love life for far too long. And of course just when I think I'm over him because of Matt, Matt does a flip back to Miki. I guess I'm just so desperate to get over Craig that I will grab onto anything...even a guy who is TAKEN. So I decided the best way to get over a guy isn't to find another one but to realize that I can be happy without a guy. The only time I was semi-happy with being alone was when I was really into Wicca so I decided to step back into that. I went to the wiccan store and bought some candles and a candle-burning ritual book. The lady at the store gave me a good spell to do to give me strength and purify myself. So I did that and I am still lingering on the fact that I want a guy in my life. And I'm still sad that Matt and Craig hurt me..but hopefully if I keep continuing this spell, all of those feelings will disappear and I will have the strength to be happy by myself. And will be purified of this awful lust. All it takes is time and believing I can do it. It's hard to distance myself from Craig and Matt when I work at the same place as them, but lately I have kept to my work and not focused on them. So hopefully I can continue that. Things were going ok, I was slowly forgetting about the whole Matt thing when suddenly he texted me and asked if I was still mad at him and said he didnt understand why i was chill with him and then all of a sudden mad. So I told him it was because he told me that he didnt think he was going to stay with Miki much longer but then I saw them together and it was totally obvious he still loves her. He never texted me back after that.....so whatever...back to the ignoring him thing.............