A mess in Daily Thoughts, Ideas, and Experiences

A series of diary entries about someone who I grew to really care about, finally all compiled together. I’m super dramatic and just here to have my sappy teen romance moment. Some notes, I work in a mall and attended an online high school. These entries also show a lot of changes in my life and the cycle of my mental health.
2-4-2017
Don’t you just love those days when everything goes wrong. I already knew today was gonna suck. I didn’t finish as much work as I needed to over my “weekend”, however I wouldn’t really have any extra time. As it stands I still think I can get enough done but I wish I was done with all this. So yeah I’m stressed. Which sucks because it makes it impossible to get any type of good, quality sleep. Which leads to insomnia and anxiety dreams and more stress and more insomnia etc…I couldn’t sleep this morning but all I wanted to do was wait for my alarm to wake me up. I was still dead tired but I couldn’t sleep even though I had a long day ahead of me. I started work at eleven this morning and its eleven o’ two right now, I just now got home and changed, it’s been at least twelve hours of tiring day stuff. I wasn’t looking forward to my shift at all, but luckily work wasn’t that busy. It’s hard to appreciate though when I’m already so ready for everything to be over. And then meh became worse. I knew closing was going to be rough. I’m not a strong closer anyway, but to have someone who actually makes work harder is just so awful. And to top it off all of my tills were about thirty dollars off. I counted them all twice and still. I know I was tired but I don’t think that would account for that much of a difference. During all of the we pretty much had to redo a bunch of stuff and got out so late. And I have to open tomorrow and I just want to not exist for a little while. As a little side note, usually seeing someone that always makes me happy helps through these rough days, but he wasn’t there at all. I can usually count on him being there every weekend, and it gives me something to smile about. Now he could have just taken the day off but part of me is worried that he quit. I feel like that doesn’t make much sense, he seems to really enjoy his job, and I feel like he would have mentioned something, but who knows. All I know is seeing him makes me happy and I didn’t have that today. Hopefully he’ll be there tomorrow and I’ll get plenty of rest tonight, and work will go by swiftly, and I’ll be super productive and get everything done. I can certainly hope.
2-14-2017
Today was Valentines Day. I feel like overall I’m most certainly a pessimist, however, I like holidays. I wore my purple shoes and shirt, along with a red (or pink as described by my coworker) undershirt. I used to complain that Valentine’s was purely commercial, and while I still agree with that, I think that it’s nice to celebrate love. Single people complain, but someone else’s happiness shouldn’t negate yours. Now, of course, I had my own little fantasy. He wrote a note and exchanged it for a drink. Of course, I didn’t expect that, but it was a nice thought.
The day was a good day overall. I got a ride to work and was almost two hours early…but it wasn’t so bad. Work was slow, and I was a bit disappointed when I noticed he wasn’t working. He always comes in at noon, so I assumed he wasn’t working. It was a bit disheartening, as a requested day off might imply plans. And then I saw him briefly, in a pair of dark jeans a gray and black striped hoodie, very festive haha, with some girl and two water bottles? I feel like he would dress more fancy on a date or something, the hoodie look is one of his more casual, but it also looked like he was just visiting, and maybe he was at the mall with someone. Later however, he stopped by and explained. It was, in fact, his day off, but he came, voluntarily, to do some training. He said there was talk of him being demoted, so he wanted to be trained to secure his position. I want him to keep working there so..Anyway Jessica offered him a free drink which was nice. I felt a bit awkward doting on him with free drinks, but for Jessica to do the same, I feel like it solidifies the idea that he’s not special? I mean he is but like I don’t want him to feel singled out or uncomfortable. He said his usual “it’s nice to have friends” and I was more distant than I meant to be.. While she got his drink he balanced on the partition stand things. He’s tall as is, but when I looked up and he was pretty darn close and several inches taller it was a bit odd. He complimented their sturdiness? It was cute, if not odd. I might also mention that when he walked up we made I contact I let out a causal “sup” although I don’t think he heard me as he said the same. We also both said ‘coke’ when asked if he drank dr. pepper. I don’t really think he’s ignoring me at this point. Maybe we’ll have a long, one-on-one talk sometime soon. I really like talking to him. That would be the only perk of working tomorrow, a better chance to see him…
Also, wants to see me all made up? She wants me to show up all dolled up on Friday. I don’t think he works Fridays, but I kinda want him to see me dressed up. Having someone see you as a girl might make them more curious about you or something?
3-25-2017
It’s been a while. Not much is going on, the weeks are going by so quickly. It’s a bit unsettling. Real quick note about today then I’ll recap the week. Someone sprained his leg? Odd but I was even more odd. I was on the oven, kinda doing my own thing and he came by to purchase a milk. He said something about Godiva but it’s hard to hear and if I’m not looking at someone while they’re talking I don’t retain everything. Anyhow as soon as I saw him he did the usual sup and my usual shrug, and after I just asked “what happened to your leg” idiot. He seemed a bit surprised but answered. I think he said that he sprained it on a ladder? but the statement was quickly followed by the thing about Godiva. And again, it’s hard to hear. He then turned his attention to the kid helping him, and me to my work. And thus he limped away, milk in hand.
On another note, I got really sick this week. Monday I felt pretty good, a bit tired although that was justified after a ten-hour shift. I painted my nails and planned my outfit for the next day. And then I woke up around four with a pain in the left side of my throat. It hurt to swallow, so I drank some water and drifted off to bed. I woke again around six, and the pain was slightly dulled but spread all throughout my throat. At this point, I hoped that some more sleep would help, and if not I would call into work, so I set my alarm for a bit later. And it woke me up and I felt awful. So I called in and went back to bed. I woke again around nine to my mother freaking out. I laid down for a bit, before dizzily making my way to the bathroom. Moving made me feel super dizzy, my throat was sore, I was dripping with sweat, and I was both numb and in pain. Things were literally swirling, that’s how dizzy I was. I went to the bathroom, and sat for a second, and avoided dirtying my hands. I got up and immediatly sat down with a strong urge to vomit. I dry heaved a bit, but nothing came up. The nausea was still strong, so I unlocked and opened the door and texted my mom to come to the bathroom. She brought me a hot towel, a bottle of water, and later some diluted apple cider vinegar. I laid down on the bathroom floor with a couple of towels serving as a pillow and blanket for a little while before requesting some plastic bags and returning to my room. Where I slept. All day. I did try to use my computer, but the screen hurt my eyes, and I couldn’t think. So I just slept pretty much straight until the next morning. I didn’t eat or do anything, only having a few sips of water. The following day I wasn’t so immobile, but it was pretty bad still. And here I am Saturday night, and I’ve got a sore throat, although it hardly hurts now, a nasty cough, and a stuffed nose. Here’s to hoping I don’t feel worse tomorrow. Goodnight.
3-26-2017
I’m thinking about giving up…on it on him. There was a short time when I felt nothing, save for a slight happiness. I didn’t feel my ears flush, and my heart didn’t skip a beat. Now those things still happen, even if they’re not that strong. The mentality has certainly changed. As a hetero-ace I feel that the feelings in my head are more important to my body’s impulses. Part of me is thinking that this is part of my lull. This was the only real, strong motivation I had. And I’m kinda over it. I just feel like I’m not special. I know I’m not special, but I could at least pretend. He would look past people to give me a head nod and ask what’s up. When we talked the first time, it was for a good while, and he mentioned that he didn’t know any of our names. I introduced myself to him, and after that he made some efforts to acknowledge me. It made me feel special. But now I see him talk with everybody, sharing things with them. Which is fine, he’s an charismatic person. But everyone’s the same. And I feel like he’s special in my mind but I’m not. What’s worse is that I like watching him talk to other people, laugh at others remarks, and even seeing girls flirt with him. But yeah I’m kinda getting dull. It’s no fun hoping for something that will never happen. I still feel like we’d be really good friends. It’s hard in ten second interactions to connect with people. I guess if I lower my standards anything that happens will be nice. Although he’s still so perfect.
Also, we got a new girl at work today. I guess she did train last week but it was the first time I meet her. She’s really pretty like she made me realize what features and stuff I really like. And while she’s a bit odd, she seems promising.
3-27-2017
Today was rough. I woke up tired, and it never really faded. Opening was easy enough, I had a good fifteen minutes to spare after setting everything up. It’s spring break this week which is always interesting. People don’t have school, so they can work. However quite a few people requested the whole week off, so we barely have enough people to cover the necessary shifts. Really we have the amount of people that would be ideal for a normal week. And of course, because people aren’t in school it’s busier. I constantly felt strapped, and it was near impossible to give breaks. It wasn’t that busy, but people were buying lots of stuff, so we had to pretty much roll constantly. It wasn’t the rush of the weekend, but it was annoying. And it made the day feel so long. I was hoping that the busyness would make the shift go by quickly but it was the sweet spot for a long day. Plus my cough hasn’t lightened. I think it was worse than yesterday? It flared up a couple times, lasting for minutes of nonstop, grasping for breath. It was rough. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better. At least I won’t have to think about what all needs to be done, and kiosk is a chance for tips. If my cough subsides I should be golden.
Also, I felt pretty numb today. I didn’t feel the usual rush, and I didn’t find myself trying to catch a glimpse of him. He took off his glasses for a moment, and it was a nice sight. I did also glance at the clock, waiting for noon to see him walk in. He was late, but so was his boss a couple hours earlier. There’s a certain sadness that comes from the end of a one-sided relationship. I meant to mention that I can pine for months, but the change in my mind left me completely dull. I’m wouldn’t be upset if the crush returned, but for now, I’ll enjoy the romances of fictional characters.
4-1-2017
Today was kinda weird. Overall I was pretty disoriented and I came to the realization that I’m just going through a slow mental episode. A year and a half ago I freaked and stayed downstairs. Here I am now, with prolonged mental and physical symptoms and I’m sleeping downstairs. I’m very tired. My heart skipped a beat. It was a very brief moment, but it happened. Apparently, he and my coworker were talking about me, or moreso my shoes. I think anyways, it was hard to hear the name. Good night.
4-5-2017
It’s been a minute. I’ve been working a lot lately. Spring break was busy, and we had a few people gone the whole time. I worked ten thirty until close on Saturday, about eleven or more hours. Sunday was nine thirty till close. I was hoping to get out really early, since I had three people, myself included, to count the tills. I also got things ready pretty early, so there weren’t any extra things to be done. I had someone close kiosk for the first time but they came back to the store pretty quickly. She forgot to print one of the reports though, and I had to run down to get it and sort a couple other things. Then we had some trouble with a couple of the tills. Sometimes I forget that not everyone is as quick as I am, which doesn’t help. I recounted one of them maybe three times and stayed until eight fifteen, which was about forty-five minutes after I expected to leave. I had a bit of a meltdown with the most pathetic cry. I really wanted to cry my eyes out, but my mom was hovering and I couldn’t. I wanted to be alone, I don’t even like showing any weakness to my family. But honestly, she’s the worst person to be around when I’m like that. My neighbor had a birthday and her mom gave me a cupcake. I came to work a half hour early on Monday to recount everything. I didn’t start opening until the time I was supposed to be there, and I finished everything with about twenty minutes to spare. The day went pretty alright, and yesterday and today were kinda great. Yesterday was uneventful, but I felt lighter in some way. Today was pretty great. I got up earlyish, and after quickly getting dressed I had plenty of time to spare. I climbed the plum trees, basking in the pastel blossoms. It smells really good in those trees. Then I took the bus, which is always oddly calming. Being on the bus kinda stressed me out, but the actual rides are relaxing. I got to work early and did some drawing. Today felt slower than the rest of the week. Some girl gave me three dollars in the little time I was in the kiosk. Everyone was really tired, but I was glad to have the quiet.
I’m starting to get some feeling back. He worked yesterday, and I saw him with a girl. There were two of them, but he seemed closer to one. Now she could be his sister, a friend or something more. Initially, my heart dropped. I actually felt a bit ill. But then I felt kind of relieved. I felt something, which was so nice. Sunday we talked awkwardly. I went to get a couple hot chocolates from cinnabon, and he was the last person in line. I’m a ‘speaks when spoken to’ person, so I didn’t really know what to do. Although he did confirm that he talked to my coworker about me, or more specifically my shoes. He mentioned them yesterday. When I asked how he was as he as in line he said something about how his shoes gave him no comfort. I took a step back and said that my too-small shoes were giving me the same problem and he said something about never seeing me in something other than docs. I’ve only worn different shoes to the mall twice, but it was interesting. sidenote; I instagramed a picture of the plum blossoms with a caption stating the fact that I climbed the tree in flats. One of my coworkers who was there when these comments about my shoes made a comment on the post. It was weird because we talked about it this afternoon in person. He actually stopped by again today. I went to help one person at the register, then I had a line. He waited in it, talking to everyone else. I can only listen so much to another conversation while helping customers, but when I noticed him my heartbeat did hasten. He grabbed our display orange juice and asked about the expiration date which was interesting and I don’t know why I’m writing about it. It was just nice I guess. He said something about his milk, although he didn’t make eye contact. Like sometimes he’ll continue to have a conversation with someone while he’s getting his drink but no one else seemed to be listening. I kinda want to actually talk one on one again but I really don’t see it happening anytime soon. I was sitting outside the other day in my usual spot which isn’t in the covered area. When I went back inside, he was sitting there. He could have easily at least say hi but nothing. Everyone else seems to be talking to him and yet. Our paths crossed a couple of time of course, but his patterns have changed. I don’t know, my mind is a mess.
I have to finish a lot of work by next Tuesday. I have the next two days off, and I’ll have to really hunker down. I actually didn’t do any school work today, but I’m hoping that I can get what needs to be done plus more done without exhausting myself. If my slight improvement in mood is any indication, maybe I’ll be super efficient. I might go and get some fresh air at some point, being outside really gives me energy.
4-11-2017
Heartbreak…LOLjkjk…kinda
I feel kinda numb. That’s not that weird, but now I have a reason for it. I can’t wait to look back on this and laugh at myself for writing about a boy. In any case, he has a girlfriend, although it’s not in his insta bio, so official can it be. That thought kinda stung, and I felt a dull rock in the pit of my stomach. There was a slight ‘I’m gonna puke’ moment but it quickly passed. I just gained some renewed emotion, but I’m glad I was shot down before I gained all of those feelings again.
Last night I dreamt that he comforted me while I cried, and sang and danced with me. It was really nice.
What’s even worse is that any connection we may have made seems to be severed. I came in and he was already in line. We made eye contact, but he seemingly ignored me, continuing to talk to everyone else while I was stood right in front of him. He gave a defeated reply after I asked what was up.
I guess I’ll have to wait to happen for someone else who I can chat with and maybe even come to care for. Turning off emotions is apparently pretty easy for me, and writing is cathartic. It’s just a shame to let go of all the thoughts I’ve invested. Whatever.
4-24-2017
It’s been a week. Honestly, I was hoping that I would be writing about him again, but here I am. I hadn’t seen him at all this weekend, and after four days off it was a whole week. This weekend was especially rough, and I didn’t even have the joy of seeing him. For a while, that was what really made Saturdays tolerable. I told myself I was over it, and that if he was going to be gone all of a sudden I was glad that I wasn’t still pining. Then the princess asked me if I missed my boyfriend. It kinda made me laugh. Anyways apparently he’s in Arizona. I’m not sure how long or for how much longer he’ll be gone. But it’s nice to know that he’ll be back and that he didn’t just disappear. Idk nothing very interesting happened today. I’m tired.
4-26-2017
He came back today. No conversation, not even eye contact as far as I could tell. I have the lingering feeling that he’s been avoiding me, or at the least any of our interactions are awkward, so I haven’t made much of an effort. He did, however, conversate with the princess. Maybe conversate isn’t the right word. They exchanged hand movements. He made a heart with hands and she said’ aw he loves you’ even though it was for her. It was sweet, although the communication ended with her throwing his heart in the oven and him stamping hers down with his foot? I don’t know how they got so close. She’s great, and I assume he’s more comfortable around her. Once a distance is created between me and someone else I find it really hard to bridge that gap. I feel that if someone wanted to talk to me that they would. We used to exchange waves, peace signs, or a head nod. Now nothing. I don’t know. I Miss You by blink came on the other day and it almost brought me to tears. It’s a great song and one that I think I’ll love forever, and I can’t help but think of him every time it plays. When I bought my mom those shoes that song was playing and he was singing along. It was really cute, and it made me feel closer? And I think the title of the song really sums up how I feel. Blegh, blegh, blegh.
5-1-2017
Hey, it’s May. Almost halfway through the year and things are still less than great. I was checking some old posts and I’ve been in a funk since my birthday, maybe even before that. I was actually in a really good mood last night and this morning but that faded pretty quick. Not too long ago I was sitting, waiting as usual, and thought ‘am I happy?’ and I had to answer no. Someone told me not too long ago that my happiness was important. As an altruistic person, this thought never really occurred to me. Seeing people I care about be or making people happy makes me happy. But that doesn’t last. I’ve always been a pretty apathetic person. And I still very much am, but it’s hard. Not feeling is safe, it’s much easier to control your mind that your heart. I try to rely on myself for at least be stable; I have such a hard time connecting with other people, so I don’t want to rely on them. But sometimes that’s hard. Rationalizing to yourself only lasts so long. Moreso, you can’t always help how you feel. You can try, but we’re people, we need to feel. I try so hard not to base my happiness on people or things but when something makes you happy it’s easy to want that. Admiring from afar, seeing someone and the little things they do make me happy. And that feels so good, and it keeps going. I crave that little taste of happiness, they race of my heart is like nothing else. It got to a point where I just needed to see one smile, even if it was for someone else. Knowing that I could glance over and have a fix got me through many tough days. Even after trying to cut off these feelings, this newfound apathy only lasted so long. I invested so much thought and I couldn’t just cut it off. And now here I am again feeling sad about a boy.
I think it’s official that he is avoiding me. He came to get stuff and didn’t even do as much as make eye contact. Even fiber in my being recoils when I think someone’s avoiding me, and I couldn’t say anything. And he mentioned his stupid girlfriend again. Okay, I don’t know her, but him saying that made me sad and I can be petty when I’m talking to myself okay. I’m kinda disappointed in myself. Part of me thinks I had a chance. Even at just a friendship. But now nothing. And it sucks because he hasn’t changed. The only thing that’s different is our interactions or lack thereof. He’s no less ideal, and I’m overwhelmingly awkward.
Ultimately I don’t think these feelings will completely fade. Not until I find someone to replace them. But knowing me I’m not sure when or if that will happen. I just want something that I can admire that’s close enough to touch. I’m a big believer in if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. I know that I have to put in some effort, but if that effort is ignored or is really draining I’m not sure if it’s worth it.
5-9-2017
I hand wrote a thing yesterday. It was about avoidance and stuff and I might write about that again here. It wasn’t half bad. But an event occured today that kinda goes against all that.
Someone’s been avoiding me. I’m pretty certain of that. But he talked to me today. It wasn’t much of a conversation, but there were words said. As I said in my handwritten note, even eye contact was a rarity. There was this kid who came up to the glass talking about a program that works with businesses to help kids who want to be business owners interact and build a college fund. It was actually really interesting, although his dad had to reexplain as it was kinda hard to hear a soft-spoken child behind glass. Anyhow, he came up to the counter/warmer. He was kinda listening to this kid, and it was kinda awkward. He was also holding a tiny mannequin with boxers. So I asked if he ‘often carried around a little mannequin’ and apparently his boss offered him ten bucks to carry it around. It always seems like he’s getting paid to do something. I guess it’s entertaining. In the end, he only got a water, which I was suspicious of. He’d been refilling a water bottle for the past couple weeks, there was no reason to get a water from us, unless either he forgot his bottle or he just wanted that ten dollars. In any case it was a step somewhere…
5-17-2017
I know I said I wouldn’t write anything here, but right now it’s my best and closest outlet. Knowing about something is so different than seeing it for yourself. I can still have my little fantasies, ignoring the thing ruining them. Escaping to that place in my mind makes me happy, even if I know that it will only exist in my head.
Seeing the thing that’s holding you back, however, is awful. It’s right there, you can’t pretend it’s not. Your heart sinks, and you feel a pressure behind your eyes. The urge to let the tears fall is strong, but you’re trying to be stronger. For a moment you admire his warmth and affection, even if it’s for someone else. Ultimately you think about the part you play in all this. And I think I’m an irrational party with no involvement at all. Is there a reason for everything? How do I not put my happiness in someone else?
5-19-2017
Do you ever notice how when something is on your mind that it appears everywhere? Even if you’re not actively thinking of it, it seems to be manifested in the outside world. Obviously, this can be attributed to the subconscious and it makes certain things stand out. If it’s on your mind enough to dream about, it might place itself in your reality. But of all the names in the world, why must this one appear everywhere?
5-22-2017 ‘If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?’ Now, this quote is both perfect and not so perfect for the thoughts I’m having right now. Basically, the idea is that you don’t know what’s happening when you’re not around. You might think someone’s avoiding you, but you’re not sure because they only avoid when you’re there. There are however several factors and variables. Maybe they’re avoiding something else entirely, and in the process, you get the cold shoulder. Part of me assumed that he visited when I wasn’t there, but I wouldn’t know since I wouldn’t be there to witness it. But it has been…two weeks? since he’s come up, and over a week since any words were shared, even if it was only two words. In any case, I had plenty of reason to suspect avoidance. It’s atypical for one to stop by nearly every day, sometimes multiple times, then to suddenly cut down to nearly never.
When you sneak into the forest to listen for a falling tree, knowing that it won’t expect you to hear it your perspective changes. Before this mass avoidance, there were a few time when I was in the back and he came by. It might have been the most convenient time for him, but it stood out. So for me to see him visit when I wasn’t there…I was the only factor that changed. Unless there’s something on the other end, but I’m being avoided so I guess I wouldn’t even know. It made me nervous, he was just out of reach. But I turned on my invisibility and let him enjoy the company of my coworkers. Like I’ve said before, I don’t want to inhibit someone else. If I’m the reason for this avoidance (avoidance, avoidance) then I feel bad. They like talking to him, and it’s the same for him I imagine. So if they can have a casual conversation because I’m gone, then that’s okay. Like I’ve said, I can handle this, even if I do wonder why.
06-20-2017
Ahh remember this moment so you can reflect on it later…and stop shaking it’ll inhibit your work
6-20-2017
AHHH y’all today has been a thing…
First off, it went by way too quickly. Yesterday was too slow and now everything felt too fast, I hope I didn’t forget anything. Anyhow, I think today was a day of bad news. Not for me funnily enough with my awful luck. My mom started the morning by asking if I wanted to go to a funeral with her. Her friend’s mom died…I had gone to her apartment on fourth of July but never met her. Anyhow she wants to support her friend and she wants me to support her. AS I got into work I saw my coworker all red-eyed. She’s been having red eyes now and again due to allergies or other troubles. Turns out they were tears. Her grandfather died. Her mother was really upset, and although my coworker hadn’t met him, she was really sad as well. I think that was part of it, she hadn’t met him and now she doesn’t have the chance. And her mother can’t go to Mexico to properly mourn, which I can only imagine is hard for the whole family. The third bit of bad news came as a bit of a surprise. He came to get a coke, which was a bit odd since I haven’t served him in months. I didn’t say much, but my coworker asked him what was up. Apparently, he got dumped. I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t. He seemed pretty bummed at that time, and he was pacing around his store for a while after that. It must suck being alone in your head for hours when you’ve got something heavy to contemplate. Anyways this little interaction gave me the shakes aha. which I wrote off as being part of my little cold and I actually had to go and sit down for a minute. Anyways…it was more bad luck, at least for him. ANyways then he came by two other times, and we talked both times?? Like weeks of nothing and then…
That’s it lol
8-10-17
LOL I’ve been complaining about all last week about not having the time to do the things that help me cope, and yet I’ve been home all day and I haven’t written at all. I have drawn quite a bit this week which I think helped. I was really angry for a good while. It was sparked by something that was constantly aggravated. I didn’t feel anything other than nothing or anger which was kinda scary for me. When I’m like that I let the people around me know so they don’t take me too seriously.
The summer is going by so quickly. I’ve been at work a lot, and those long days meld together. During the school year, I had at least two days off in a row, which I liked because I could spend one day truly resting, and the other working on my own things or school. But now my days up are scattered and it’s hard to catch up. Keeping the days and weeks straight is tough. I’m hoping that things will slow down when school starts. That is if I can get everything sorted.
I was just thinking about how it seems that once I actually find someone that I get along with really well, they disappear. The people who I think I could have a lifelong relationship with don’t last nearly that long. And maybe it’s partly my fault. There’s only been one person that I knew irl that I then talked to online who is on this list. Everyone else, whether I met them online or in person I feel like I never reached out to find an easier way to contact them. I haven’t exchanged numbers with these people, and now it’s near impossible to communicate. I also feel like people I’m such the introvert that the few friends I have are really important to me. But I know that I’m not as important to them. Like, hypothetically speaking, my best friend has a different best friend that isn’t me. I’ve come to terms with that. But it still stabs sometimes.
That’s it, I’m not trying to get too sad today.
9/19/2017

The words I didn’t get the chance to say

I’ve never been a poet, but for you, I would write a thousand words if they would convey the feelings trapped within my head. But words are not enough.
The rush of blood to my ears has always been the sign of unpleasantness. The skip of my heart was a sign of fear. But the sight of you brought all this with a sense of calm. Fire up to my ears paired with a smile. A rapid, content, unsteady heartbeat.
I don’t get easily attached to people. If I am fascinated with someone it only lasts for so long. If I befriend someone its fun while it lasts and numb when we part. But it’s been months since I’ve seen you and I still miss you. The littlest things remind me of you, and the amount of times I’ve nearly been brought to bittersweet tears is alarming.
At first, I thought I missed the feeling. Which I do, but I miss you too. I always think about how perfect you were and how great things could of been. I’m kicking myself for not getting a definitive answer out of you. I felt like I tried so hard, and I truly did, but it wasn’t enough.
I dreamt of you again a couple of nights ago. I was expecting them to stop completely but I guess the hope of you coming back to visit never left my head.
I can guess and guess but I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing. I just hope you’re happy. And part of me hopes you miss me too and that you’ll eventually come to visit.
I’m glad I met you and I’m sorry you’re gone. Thank you for those moments of happiness.
9-30-2017
You know I’ve been doing good. I’ve been living day to day, trying to stay on track. Maybe I’ll write more about it soon, I’m sure future me would like to look back on this week.
But this is a stupid emotional post.
As I said I was doing p good. But, and this isn’t new, he resembles a certain singer. I like this artist too, but I don’t listen to them now on purpose. He’s widely regarded as talented and attractive and at one point I believed my boy was better. So that explains my feeling then.
Now sometimes I’ll hear one of his songs every now and again, reminisce, and move on. But lately, there have been a lot of ads for blogs on tumblr. Which is whatever, I didn’t like when they added the feature but it jazzes up my dash. The blogs also match my taste, which includes boys apparently. There’s a fan blog that keeps popping up. AND ITS A STRUGGLE. LIke I had that in the flesh just beyond my fingertips. I get a bit mad because it makes me miss him. I’ve been looking for him or what he was to me more often lately. And I know nothing’s going to come of it. sighhhh
11-13-2017
It’s been a while aha
I have been journaling a bit on paper, but honestly, there’s too much and not enough going on. There’s nothing that seems very interesting and the days are going by too quickly to appreciate them. School is a lot. Its def good, but a lot. That being said, school is a break compared to work. Registration for the next term starts this week and it’s kinda sad. I like my classes, and my teachers and my classmates. I’m sure things will be okay next term, and it is still over a month away, but I’ll miss whats going on now. It’s nice having friends in my classes, both new and old. But I have faith that I can make new friends if the need arises.
I was reading through old entries about him. Its actually been a while since I’ve really thought about him. I can’t really remember his voice very well and his face is a blur in my mind. Still, whenever I see a tall in glasses I look up. That being said, yesterday two things happened that reminded me. Firstly his friend came by. I wasn’t actually in the store, just walking in, so he didn’t see me and I didn’t talk to him or anything. but they set up this shop(?) called Awkward Family Photobooth, and judging by his colorful sweater I assumed he was working there. These suspicions were later confirmed after some walking around. Anyhow, it was a shock because I didn’t think I would see either of them again, let alone have one of them work across the way again. I don’t know the extent of their current relationship, but I do know that they were friends for a while, even outside of work. And I can’t help but hope that maybe he’ll come to visit. Makes me kind of sad that I took two days off…
The second thing was a snap story about a music award show. Now a certain musician reminds me of him. I remember so fondly thinking that this singer was a step down from him, and he’s pretty fine. I gave in and watched and it was bittersweet. He’s so lovely, and to think that I had someone that perfect within arms reach is sad. I’m hoping that things will work out in the best way, although I’m not sure what that is.
11-27-2017
Ahhhhhh
Be still my suffering heart
I was just minding my own business when an angel decides to distract me. I haven’t seen him in months, had forgotten the sound of his voice and the distinction of his features. The last two nights I’ve dreamt about someone else the way I had about him. And now his stupid pretty face has to grace my eyes again? And he didn’t even say hello-or come by the shop?
He was in his old work of all places with another boy. I’m assuming they were buying shoes as that’s the business. He had another shopping bad with him, but I’m not sure where from. At first, I thought I was hallucinating, but they aren’t that concrete. It was only a few short minutes but I’ll tell you
12-19-2017
I don’t write much anymore. I do so in other places, like in my notebook or on my phone, but it is still not as much as may be best for me. Things are moving quickly and my feelings change day to day. I was depressed for a while, but numbness isn’t something to write about. I’ve been happier the last few days, but very tired as well. Nonetheless, nothing worth writing about. But in these slow moments, I start to think. I’m thinking about things I’ve thought about countless times before but I’d like to put them somewhere other than my head.
I have attachment issues. The issues being that I don’t really get attached. I can grow close to people and have them leave without feeling much of anything. Of course, thinking back I miss being with these people, but I don’t feel a loss in losing them. Which I think is abnormal. Lately, I’ve had a few people come back into my life. Not anyone that was significant and not anyone that was gone for very long. But people that I saw relatively often, then not at all for a few months. In having them back I realize that I feel nothing in particular. I feel like I should be happy to have them back but its almost as if they were never gone. But I know that they will leave soon and I’m fine with that as well. I have no desire to spend my time wisely with these people. Maybe if they were more special to me I would, but as I said there is no change in how I feel.
Now I’ve come to terms with these sociopathic tendencies and I don’t mind. Maybe it is abnormal, but it doesn’t hurt anyone or myself.
The issue arises when there is a break in the pattern. I keep cycling around and around. It’s been about two years since I first met him, and a year and some months when I feel our friendship started. I passed by that spot that I had sat in for so long this whole time and still felt something. I drew a picture and animated it, trying to let some of those memories go. But all I can do now is remember. I thought I had let him go and filled my mind with other things but as they’ve faded it all comes back. I remember feeling a bit annoyed because I wanted to work on my contest page in my sketchbook. I remember thinking that I was being patronized by compliments on my dirty busted up shoes. I remember him talking too much to someone who was basically a stranger, but who also listened to a basic stranger. I remember the vapor pouring out of his nose. I remember how our minds collided and I couldn’t help but smile at this cliche meeting.
I’ve seen him again twice since he left. The first time he was far away and it lasted for a few minutes. At first, I thought I was just seeing things, but I would recognize any inch of him. I regret looking away. The second time he walked by not five feet in front of where I was standing. For some stupid reason, I was crouched below the counter and only saw him as he was walking facing away from me into the crowd. I wish that I had stood up a few moments sooner and let him see me. I wish that his heart would stop the same as mine. It was just a moment though of recognization. Seeing him for that moment didn’t make me particularly happy or sad. I wasn’t relieved or frustrated. It just happened. And now it won’t leave my head. ahhhhhh
12-27-2017
I don’t know if its because I’m tired, or because I’m over it but seeing and actually talking to him today for the first time was incredibly underwhelming. I hope that since he actually came by that he’ll be more willing to do so in the future. A few days ago I was on the lookout for a pair of glasses, thinking how nice of a gift it would be to see him again. And ofc I would love to continue to see him, I feel like there was so much untapped potential between us. But maybe it was just one-sided.
He looks good in blue and fake leather tho. And he didn’t seem repulsed by me either.