A contradicting feeling in An outlet from life

I think I’m in the point of my life that I am comfortable with my skin. I feel sexy and confident…

I am also in the point of my relationship where I don’t feel MY HUSBAND is the most confident or comfortable with me especially when it comes to the public eye. Social media to be precise. And that makes me feel … subconscious… not about me.... but about our relationship.

Lets go back....

We have been married for soon to be 6 years and together for 13. We pretty much grew to adult hood together. When we dated he worked at a warehouse. I have seen him grow as a person and as an artist. He is a videographer. Through out his progress I was sooo proud of him. I would tell everyone about him. Drunk me would put other videographer down lol. I was just so ecstatic about everything he did.

As the years went by, slowly I noticed the family presence (mostly me… all me) was being excluded from his business social media.

I mean deep down it didn’t bother me… after all it was his business social media account. Until the incident where the fabric of my trust was shattered.

And now Things bother me. We go to a family outing and he documents it BUT as if he went on his own. Universal studios, movies, cool thing over there, cool places… Fucken Christmas day he posted at the movies showing his ticket. Yeah it bothers me…

He says its business but is it fucken too much to ask for a heartfelt post on mother’s day, my birthday or some special day…

I am not there. I do not exist.

It hurts me when he tells me he was talking to someone and they didn’t know he was married… It hurts me when they say oh she has a etsy shop they didn’t know that. He shows the smallest amount of support to my passion when I have all the support and not only that… I felt so PROUD of what he was doing..

He tells me I should do it for me and no one else including him. Ummm I know that but I should also feel my husbands support just as I did when he did something he loved. It especially hurts when I see my sister’s husband be so proud of her (we do the shop together).

It just reminds me I do not exist outside of these four walls.

We haven’t gone out just me and him in a while.

Today was an opportunity. He worked in LA. It’s a sunday. His brother can babysit. kids dont have school tomorrow perfect opportunity… I dont think he wanted me to go to the show..

They’re only two reasons for excluding me from his business…
1. He is a womanizer and cheater who doesn’t want women to know me.
2. Doesn’t want me to be scrutinize by the industry he works for.

Honestly I am 98 % sure it is not number one.. I mostly trust him with 2 percent doubt … i am still in recovery from his past coverup…

Geez… but two. I have honestly sent him photos near days or have actually said you should post this maternity pic on your insta with a heartfelt text.

Does he not want to be seen with me? is he embarrassed of me? what is he hiding.
Wish he would just tell me straight up.

As he always says, ” Social media is all about perception, not the reality”… so what is the perception he wants to give? that he can do better than me? that he is single and ready to mingle?

Such a surreal feeling… to feel confident and small all at the same time…

Last updated January 21, 2019