Its getting nice outside in Self-Improvement, 2018

I cancelled my Kickboxing membership today. The weather is starting to get really nice again and the days are getting longer, so my interest in working out indoors is waning. It’s also money I don’t feel like spending anymore if the interest isn’t there. I do get a $50/month reimbursement through work which is how I justified the expense in my head when I signed up in September. But the membership is more than $50/month, and I can no longer justify the extra expense when I’m not really going.

I’m also going to cancel my Amazon Prime account after I order my mom’s Mother’s Day/Birthday gifts. My renewal comes up next month, and I don’t use my account enough to justify that expense either.

I’m trying to be a bit more realistic with my budget now that I’m living alone and completely supporting myself. Those two memberships are the easiest to get rid off.

I don’t really feel like working today. But I am here. Contemplating life more than contemplating work. I joined a few local “social” meetups on meetup.com yesterday. That’s the site that the book club is run through. I haven’t RSVP’d to anything in the groups I just joined yet. But I might. There’s a kayaking day trip that looks very tempting and they provide the kayaks.

The nice thing about Monday’s therapy appointment was that she finally realized I am in no way, shape or form ready for a job interview anywhere. I told her about how i applied to two places and then hoped they wouldn’t call me. Instead of pressuring me to try again and reassuring me that everything would be okay, she said “yeah, we need to worry on your anxiety cycle.” if only she’d caught on to that earlier. But I guess she had to rule out that I wasn’t making excuses. She said I dissociate during extreme stress.

Get this: I told her how I went hiking the day I took a mental health day from work. That was the day I quit the football team and wasn’t in any condition to be going to work in. I thought she’d be proud that I went hiking and didn’t wallow the day away at home sitting in my apartment. And she wasn’t as proud as I thought she’d be. She said the extremity of the distraction I chose was avoidance of the emotions I was feeling. Since the hike was a pretty extreme (her word, not mine) hike in the fact that it rose 2,000 ft in elevation and I had to pick one that would literally get my heart racing enough to focus on my body, not my moods, wasn’t a good coping mechanism. SO i need her to explain that and the whole anxiety cycle thing to me better. There are less “intense” ways to deal with heavy emotions I suppose, but yeah I don’t know any. I think I need to make of a list of things I need her to explain to me.

Avoidance is sort of my thing though. Like writing this entry instead of working.