Tom: Age 55, drunken vagenius, very enthusiastic in Sex Men and Hopefully Better Choices

I just made it through my first year of law school. I busted my ass and dear god I hope my grades are good enough that I’m not in the bottom 15%! I’ve decided to move in with my mom, which is interesting. It’s still too early to tell how that is going to go. I might be moving again at the end of the summer, I guess we’ll see. I’ve been seeing this man named Tom, he’s 55 years old. I actually grew up with his son Andrew, he was in my class since elementary school. Sadly, Andrew passed away 2 years ago. Tom is really nice to me and I do have fun with him. However, sometimes I think he behaves in chaotic ways and it scares me. He seems to be drunk a lot and I worry that he would totally smother up all my time if I let him. He’s always very excited to see me and his expressions are a bit cheesy for my taste. That said, I think he means everything he says so I try to be accepting and not critical. I think my inclination to be critical could be a product of my bad wiring. I’m trying to overcome it but it’s hard. I don’t know if he’s good for me and I’m just having a hard time accepting it or if he’s going to become an exhausting person that I can’t handle. He does have an inclination to make plans that occupy my free time without asking me. I consider his plans but I don’t break my own to make them work so they often don’t. He seems fine with that.
Yesterday when he picked me up for our date he was already a bit buzzed, he said that they kept giving him wine at his gig. In the car he was asking me a lot of questions about my father and then he seemed to have a hard time keeping track of my answers. He sensed my annoyance over that and became more attentive, which I think is a good sign. After getting a few drinks in me I didn’t think he was annoying anymore. I very much enjoyed his company during Shushi. Then we went dancing, generally it was fun but he was all over me a little more than I prefer. I like someone that holds me and dances with me but also gives me some space, so I can dance solo for a song or two. There were points he was pushing into me from behind so much, he was pushing me into people. I told him and he apologized, he said that he was getting pushed. This was possible but it wasn’t so packed that he had people directly touching him. There was at least a foot between us and everyone else. It made me feel like he just wanted to smash up against me and enjoy being drunk and having a young hot girlfriend without having to worry about other people. I was in high hills and I couldn’t stop him from slowly inching me forward with his mindless grope dancing. Like I said, it was still pretty fun generally but I felt like I had to be watching out for both of us because he clearly wasn’t watching out for me.
The first time I had sex with him was a week ago, he got me off with his hands, twice! Very wet orgasms, I soaked his sheets! Then we were sweating all night in his sheets for some reason? I don’t know, but the sheets got pretty gross. He knows how to please a woman, which is nice. Last night when we got home we had sex, I was on my period so we did it standing in his bathroom, he got off pretty quick but I didn’t. It’s not that big of a deal because it would have literally been a bloody mess for him to give me an orgasm. I hope he’s not planning on doing that all the time but I’ll have to wait and see I guess. Once we made it into his bed I was very disgusted to find out that he had not changed his sheets from a week ago when we had sex. They stunk and it was gross sleeping in them. I didn’t expect to have to deal with that sort of thing dating a grown man. When I woke up this morning I really wanted to go home right away, I wanted to get in the shower after sleeping in those gross sheets all night and I wanted to shower at my place with my stuff. He just kept touching and feeling my body and ignoring what I was saying. I didn’t have my car there and it really annoyed me. I told him that I really wanted to go home, he asked me why I was acting uncomfortable that he was touching me and I said it was because I’m bratty on my period. Honestly that’s true, but I think I just started getting turned off by the chaotic way he lives. He talked me into staying for breakfast. I did have to eat anyway so I thought why not. He asked me if I wanted to watch Last Week Tonight, He knows I love that show and I missed the last one so I said yes. He pulled up the youtube channel on his TV and played the same clip that he played when I was over there the week before. I didn’t say anything; he seemed proud that he could give me something I wanted since I was obviously not happy about not going home. He went into the kitchen and I thought to myself, is this how it’s going to be now? Watching reruns of John Oliver when I don’t want to, so dear old dad thinks I like being at his house and I want to stay here longer? Another parent to appease? Another man that expects me to reinforce his version of reality because it makes him happy? Then he made these two really disgusting protein shakes. He brought me a cup of each and I forced myself into taking sips of them so I wouldn’t be rude. Then he tried to offer me coffee. I told him that I don’t drink coffee without eating something in the morning, which is true, it’s too hard on my stomach. Then I said I was just going to call a lyft because it was almost noon and I really needed to get home. I was obviously irritated. I had been irritated all morning. I hated it that I had to ask him for a garbage can every time I changed my tampon because he didn’t have garbage cans in his bathrooms. I was grossed out by the sheets and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he actually seemed to be drunk during most of our phone calls.
I didn’t mind initially when I realized that he’s more fun than I am. But for me, part of the appeal of dating an older man is that they’re responsible and stable. But he’s not necessarily unstable. He works all the time. He rents a nice 3 bedroom house for he and his son Alex to live in and he drives a 2016 Hundai. He’s not incredibly rich but he seems to afford himself nice lifestyle as a musician and responsibly take care of his bills. But he is a musician, and for some reason I find myself wondering if he’s planned for retirement at all…? I don’t know why it matters to me but I don’t like the idea of dating someone who acts first and thinks later. It feels sort of reckless and gives me anxiety. I don’t like the idea of trusting someone who might not have thought through all the implications of his choices when he pulls me along for the ride. I already have to be a baby sitter for my crazy mom and I don’t want to be a baby sitter for my crazy boyfriend who’s old enough to be my dad. That situation would really just dry my pussy right up. Seriously, I’m too young to keep the Sahara Desert between my legs, I know it will happen someday, but there’s no need to make that day today! Recklessness can take all sorts of forms and financial recklessness is only one. For example, I’m also very concerned about Tom’s drunk driving. He says that he’s fine to drive but after he picked me up last night he couldn’t get us to Takashi. The streets downtown all look alike so I understood and starting directing him. He seemed totally disoriented, he was unaware that we were about to drive past Gracie’s a place he often plays Jazz music…? Then he realized that he forgot his wallet once we arrived. He said it was because he was late going to his gig which did seem legitimate. I talked to him earlier when he was leaving and he said he was running late. There was an hour long wait for sushi so it wasn’t a big deal, we drove to his house, had a glass of wine and grabbed his wallet. When we got back our table was ready and it was perfect. Then he and I split two small bottles of sake and then he ordered us each a whisky. I was totally drunk. After that we went dancing and he drove us home where he poured another glass of wine for us both. I didn’t drink mine, that was a lot of alcohol for me. I’ve had to rest all day today to recover. I haven’t asked him what he’s doing tonight but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s drinking. I can’t believe he looks as good as he does when he’s 55 and parties like this!!!
At this point, I can say for sure that I don’t want to spend a long period of my life with a man like him. I need someone a little more thoughtful and slow moving like I am. However, he is a fun break now and then from the law school grind and I think he is a good person. I just can’t see myself with him long term, our conversations always get too cheesy and emotional for my taste. I don’t find them intellectually stimulating. Not that emotions aren’t intellectually stimulating, I love taking about emotions but not the way he does it. One can only tolerate so much enthusiastic verbiage; everything is a synonym of something else and the process lacks the necessary evolution to be engaging. There has been no additional expression between those synonyms to make one of them convey something slightly different. I’m fine with repetition and I never get bored of it because I like the slow process of chipping away at something. I like finding the small but subtle differences each time I revisit what I’ve already visited. I love researching what I’ve already searched, sitting with the discord, getting second and third opinions and then, reaching a resolution or pushing it aside for another day. When I try to insert such things in our conversation it doesn’t evolve, he just uses it to change the subject. I don’t know that he could engage in the type of conversations I like to have. He always seems to rush to the end of every conversation and the end is always some overly excited state of his. It’s usually aimed at consuming me or being excited about certain traits that I have. Sometimes in these moments, he gives me very nice and genuine compliments that I do sincerely appreciate. But it doesn’t feel like we’re sharing a journey, is that important? Do I need that? It feels like he’s on one path and I’m being pulled along for the ride sometimes. I don’t get mistreated on this ride, my feelings are considered when I make them known. He does really seem to adore me… am I being too judgmental about the sheets and garbage cans? He did recently get out of a relationship with someone who definitely seems bipolar. Maybe he just has some bad drinking habits from the relationship? Maybe he thinks that’s what I like because I’m 30? He does party with his kids a lot, maybe he’s struggling in life, like a mid-life crisis? What does “a man like him” mean anyway?
Then again, last night he told me that he likes doing acid. From what I can tell he has never done a lot. He has never tripped super hard but it’s still concerning. I feel like I got that out of my system when I was 23. I understand he was Mormon and didn’t get to have those experiences when he was young but I have seen people lose their mind on that shit and never come back. We talked about drug abuse a bit and in general it seems like he’s probably harmless in his use. Still, I’ve had boyfriends that were secretly living lives on acid and I hope that’s not what he’s doing. I don’t want to watch another Tanner, the boy he was is gone forever now. Acid wasn’t the only culprit, he struggled with drug abuse in general but still, he did a TON of acid for a very long time. And then there was Sean, he’s just a fucked up and generally terrifying human being. Dating him was horrifying. The fact that Tom likes to occasionally drop even just a little acid, triggers bad associations for me. Tom gave me the same justifications my friends and I would preach about back in college. You know, all that about how drug addiction makes people retreat from the world and “feel less” but acid, helps them “feel more” it helps them be more in touch with the world…? I think it’s a very narcissistic plight honestly and one often laced with denial. However, I don’t judge it, I do understand the perspective, I myself believed it at one point. Nonetheless, I’ve grown out of it. It is possible that I’m dating a man nearly twice my age yet living as a 20-year-old? I’m done dating train wreck men, I just can’t decide if this guy is a train wreck? He seems to have his shit together and who am I to judge his lifestyle?
On the up side, he accepts me. I’m a 30-year-old law student that works as a stripper on weekends. A walking cliché really! Additionally, I live in a very conservative state where people get married very young; I haven’t seen a single guy my age for 4 years now. There are plenty of 25-year old guys that seem interested but the eligible ones all want to put a baby in me. If I ever decide I want kids, I’m going to adopt. There are so many children that need good loving homes, I just don’t feel the need to create one of my own. Plus, there are other reasons I don’t want that to be my story. I danced for theater companies for about 8 years before law school. I traveled a lot and had a great time but my body is really messed up from it (if I stop doing yoga or physical therapy for too long, I start walking with a limp). Yeah, it ends up that I have structural damage in my pelvis, back and knees. To compound the situation, I’m a very petit woman. At the end of the day, I just don’t want to put my body through childbirth, I’ve done enough to it. I’m not a traditional law student, I haven’t had a traditional life and I’m not about to start now. Younger men are usually train wrecks (jobless, carless and looking for a mother/sugar momma) or they’re on the marriage and family path. They don’t understand me and even worse, they think they can change me. That’s why I date older men or divorcees my age/dads every other week. But men in general just seem to have a hard time handling the stripper and the law student in one package. They usually love one and find the other terribly threatening. One might imagine that most men would love the law student while finding the stripper threatening, right? Nope. I’ve actually found men that love the stripper and find the law student threatening to be proportionately equal. Different men have different preferences and although they’re varied, they don’t usually include both sides of my coin. I tend to get along better with the men who take issue with my stripper side. There is something especially fucked up with the guys that can’t handle the idea of me being a lawyer. There’s just no middle ground with them.
The truth is, I’m very passionate about the law, and determined to get through this. I come from a single mom and the only thing I’ve ever been naturally good at is dancing. Now there happens to be a way for me to use that skill, work two days a week and make enough money to fund the life I want. How could I not do it? Plus, I actually like being a stripper. Don’t get me wrong, there are bad days like every other job, but it’s really fun and a great way to stay in shape. I have been sexually objectified at basically every job I’ve ever had. Yes, contemporary dance jobs but also jobs in restaurants, call centers, retail stores and offices. All that sexual objectification happened without my consent, I wasn’t compensated for it and I was put in a position where I felt unsafe and demeaned. In the strip club, on the other hand, I willingly make myself a sexual object for my job. Something that grown women are completely able and competent to do if they choose. If a man makes me feel unsafe, there is big guy standing behind the DJ booth that will gladly throw him out for me. But generally, the men that come into the club are more respectful than your average guy in line at the local grocer. This is another problem for men who try and date me. They say they’re are “okay” with me stripping while I’m in law school. However, my pro sex work attitude bothers them. Many of these men pride themselves as being “feminists” yet they want me to feel differently about my job because it would make them more comfortable. They believe that sex work is objectifying whether or not a woman gave her consent. They want me to be a victim doing work I hate because it’s the only way. They of course are entitled to their opinion about it but, I cannot change who I am. Just as I cannot live a different life, I can’t change the narrative of my story because someone doesn’t like it. My experiences are what they are, my truth is what it is and I cannot change who I am. I cannot lie about my life, it’s the only thing that has always been with me.
Tom accepts all of me, so what’s the harm in giving him the benefit of the doubt and seeing where this goes?