Finally...and Finality? in The Truth (As I Know It)

FINALLY- 86 blessed, sun-soaked degrees. It’s been a long, long winter and spring, and now just maybe- here on May 2- we may have finally turned the corner with our weather. First mow of the year today- it felt good to sweat. To see green grass. I’m a different person in the warmth and sunshine- the gray and cold eats away at me more and more each year. I feel ALIVE when it’s warm- and today I think I finally came out of hibernation.

FINALITY??? I think Cheryl and I are at the proverbial fork in the road. I know I told her I’d give this 18 months, but at this point is anything really gonna change? I can’t give her what she needs, and she can’t give me what I need. I know she is shedding a lot of tears these days, but I am all cried out myself. I’ve emptied the emotional tank. She is my dragonfly- flitting about but refusing to land anywhere. Even this deeply entrenched into her life with her family, she still really isn’t there. After all the damage she has suffered, I don’t know if she ever WILL know how to be fully present in ANY situation. She has been this elusive, uncatchable object dancing in my peripheral vision - once long ago, and now again. Maybe it’s time to realize that dragonflies aren’t meant to be caught. Is a dragonfly in a jar still a dragonfly? Don’t you take away its essential grace and beauty by denying its freedom of movement? Cheryl is like that- She’s like the line in the Billy Joel song: “… and the most she will do is throw shadows at you…” She’s most comfortable darting about on the edge of life , and I can’t say that I blame her given all she’s endured. I’m very thankful for the glimpses she has shown me, and if we have reached the end of our journey, I need to let her fly away into the summer sky.