am i sane or am i crazy? am i straight, or am i. girl, int. ambiv. *LGBTQ in 2017. got it.
- April 29, 2018, 2:31 a.m.
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- Public
this is from the 22nd:
‘that’s, a line from the movie ‘girl., interrupted’. when they’re talking about ambivelance.
i. don’t want to be both. i don’t want to be both straight and. and a lesbian or w/e. and yet here i am. there’s nothing wrong w/ that outwardly. but for me.......it doesn’t feel........ok and i’m not entirely sure why.
i don’t. know. maybe i’m still denying that i’m both. i. i wish i was completely straight but i’m not and that’s hard right now. maybe. my sister expects me to get married to a guy i don’t know. but i hate disappointing people.
do i. expect myself to? maybe i do. i’ve never really put much thought into. marrying a woman if i ever get married.
i’ve never. heard talk of my parents pressuring either me or my sister into marriage. but my relatives. i don’t know. if one day the day comes when ‘hey guess what she’s marrying a woman’. or even just. ‘she’s dating, a woman’. and i think they might all be quite surprised.
my mom’s cousin is gay. he’s super nice. but other then that........far as i know we don’t have any other LGBTQ members in our family. great so i’m a rarity again i’m a unicorn. f**k.
i’ve never been someone who fits in. yeah and that’s been hard.
but no. i’m not going to hit on every woman once i if i ever do, come out...........more. publically i don’t do that now so. can’t see that really changing. my being respectful has little to do w/ my sexuality.
like ‘omygod she’s........’ w/e i am ‘and so that makes her a freak’. um. no. that just means i like more then one sex. i’m not a freak don’t lock me up or put me in a cage. and we’re back to old fashioned circuses. circi?
and it’s not anyone’s fault i’m like this. i don’t want them to feel like they’ve somehow failed me just bc i might not want to marry a guy.
or ‘really? cause you act like you’re straight’. um. yes and how, exactly, is someone who’s not supposed to act? of course i act straight! of course i come off that way! it’s safer. no...........really? well wouldn’t you? but ya know thanks for pointing that out.
i’m like cole porter in a way only not really..........not. literally. no but bc he was gay and that was a big thing during that time the 1920’s. and he was out too. like no gay person was out during that time. and he was married to a lady so. there’s that.
i haven’t accepted my orientation.
yeah life would be easier if i wasn’t..........this..........way. but i’m. i’m just not. and there’s actually nothing wrong w/ me but i feel like i should be fixed. which. yes sounds horrible. like i’m somehow commiting some heinous act just by being this way. yes bc being straight is a lot more acceptable to a lot of people.
and the other thing of it is. the woman i live w/ is religious. and i know she goes to church and that’s all good nothing wrong w/ that. and while it has never. been talked about........i’m not sure how she feels about people of the LGBTQ community. and a part of me doesn’t think i should ask.
so yeah. i’m actually making an effort to be something i’m not not completely.
i’m not the one w/ the problem though. [obviously. not. not in this regard.]. people who have a problem w/ people who are. um LGBTQ. are the problem. like not everyone’s that accepting. yeah. i wish they would be but the reality is some won’t. so really best we can hope for is they’re not jerks about it.
if i were a lesbian. yeah sure then i might not be afraid of being raped. sorry but guys are jerks and i’m. sexist and a feminist so. but i don’t really have a guy problem per se.......i just have a problem w/ anyone like that. it’s just. well my last relationship was w/ a guy and it was. an abusive one. and all my rapists again have been guys so. and i know not all guys are like this.’
Deleted user ⋅ April 29, 2018
Be kind to yourself.
If you're not comfortable coming out as bi right now, you really don't have to. It feels weird because it's like saying "some day this is who I theoretically want to have sex with", and that's just a weird conversation generally.
If you are a private person, there's no reason you can't wait until you have a need to tell anyone else - for example, you are dating a woman or have a girlfriend, then you will want to tell people naturally.
Before then, it is entirely up to you how much to share or keep to yourself. I promise, you're not doing the LGBTQ community any sort of disservice by keeping yourself safe and secure.
Focus on what is right for YOU, and try to worry less about others imagined reaction. Easier said than done, I know.