¯\_(ツ)_/¯ in Struggles with Addiction & Depression

My ex reached out to me. It was completely unexpected considering the way things ended. I had done a fairly excellent job of convincing myself I was never going to see her again and I had to move forward and make some serious changes in my life. I’m not sure how her sudden desire to forgive me and see me again is going to affect my narrative. I hope it won’t disrupt my momentum.

I’m still taking my medication daily. I’m almost certain at this point that it is helping me in a very real and measurable way. My thought process is changing in unexpected ways. I am still a gloomy and melancholy guy by my nature but I don’t second guess or put myself down at all anymore. My first thought was once immediately to be “realistic” and destroy myself before I could ever make any effort.

Denial and perfectionism are a toxic combination.

But Kendra’s number is in my phone again and all is forgiven. She’s moving into a new place with a friend that is just down the street but this isn’t a major change; she already lives about a half block away from the new apartment and always has. It was so strange these past four months feeling like I shouldn’t walk down particular streets in my own neighborhood because I might run into her and it would be uncomfortable.

I actually did walk right up behind her one day coming home from work by mistake. I was in my own world listening to music and I looked up and suddenly found myself standing behind her. I froze and stared at the ground until the light changed and I could cross to the other side. I wasn’t sure if she noticed me but it turns out she had and she was also fighting the urge to say something.

What was the awful thing I did that made things so awkward between us you might be wondering? I could hem and haw and say that the situation was complicated or offer my best Ross from Friends whine about how we were on a break at the time but the plain fact is I didn’t show up for Valentines day or her birthday and I felt like a total piece of shit about it.

She says she overreacted and wants to work on things. Honestly I still believe she was right to abandon me and move on but I’m not looking to waste a chance at being happy with her. Once the opportunity was gone I felt its absence totally. I hope I’ll be making up for that Valentines / birthday fuckup for many years to come.