unknown in 2018

3.20.18 - 3:37pm

Today’s been an ok day. It started out a little rough. I don’t know why I was in a terrible mood. A lot on my mind, I guess, but I couldn’t really connect to it. I wasn’t sure what it was that was making me feel weird. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed maybe.

I did actually have a terrible time getting out of bed this morning. I laid there until almost 7:30 and then was running a little behind. Every other day I “exercise” [and the quotes are there because I use the term very loosely.] so I didn’t get into the shower until 8ish. That was probably it. I just started my day off on the wrong foot because there wasn’t really anything else going on.

It’s Wednesday now. Things got busy in the afternoon and then I was too tired to pull out the laptop at home. I’m running low on fuel. I think the days are starting to catch up to me. Even having the one day off a week right now is not nearly enough to recharge. I went to bed a few minutes after 10pm last night. I did wake up for a little while around 3am, but nothing too bothersome. Then I woke up again like 7:15 but was in/out of sleep until 7:40 when my alarm went off. It was so nice. But I was still tired. Oh well. It’ll be over soon enough. Then I’ll probably complain I’m not doing enough with my life and I’m wasting my days. hah.

Man the afternoons just keep getting busy. There weren’t that many people but I couldn’t find a moment to concentrate long enough to type anything out. I’m at home now watching tv and contemplating another early night. I don’t really want to leave this unfinished for another day though.

I guess I could just cut back on the topics I have listed. I don’t have to pour everything out into one entry.

So a couple days ago I got a letter in the mail for jury duty. Honestly it would be kinda fascinating to be in a court room and/or on a jury. I did have a concentration on crime and deviance in college. But it seems like such a time consuming event. I’ve been called twice. The first time I went and sat in a waiting room for half a day and then got dismissed without speaking to anyone. The second time I didn’t even have to go in. This time they’ve called me for the beginning of April, which Ha Ha that is so not happening with my work schedule. My only option is to postpone, but I’m seriously procrastinating. I don’t want to look at what they have available. I think my fear of the unknown is what keeps me from making any moves. On anything.

There’s more I want to say on that topic. Thoughts I’ve been having lately and light bulb moments. But I don’t really feel like getting into it right now so I’ll save that bullet point for later.

The rest of my notes all kind of relate to the same topic and y’all know where that’s going to lead so I guess I’ll move on for now.

It’s been raining all afternoon. Pretty steady. It’s so nice. There’s something about the dark sky and grey clouds that’s really making me unmotivated to work though. A few more weeks. I just have to make it a few more weeks!

I saw the client yesterday, for work related reasons, and I don’t know. We get along well via text but every time I see him I realize how hard it would be to be friends with him in person. I like the idea of hanging out with him. I need more friends. But there’s just something. He left yesterday and all I could think about is how bored I’d be if we spent any significant amount of time together without anyone else. I’ve never felt that way or had thoughts like that about others before. It’s sad.

I’m not going to worry about it right now. It’ll happen the way it’s supposed to. Still sad thought that maybe it won’t work at all, even as friends.

I don’t really want to talk about this but it might help to type it out…so this client called today to make an appointment for her boyfriend. Long story short, she came in earlier this year with this guy and they were all over each other. Not like in obvious ways while I was sitting there but I walked away and back a couple times and could tell stuff was going on. Probably making out, definitely touching.
This isn’t really a big deal right? I mean, I know I’m way conservative and grew up around people who do not show affection, but just thinking about the two of them is triggering some weird emotions inside of me. I can’t connect to them enough to realize what they are though and it’s driving me crazy.
He’s supposed to come in Friday and I don’t know whether to take the client or pass him off. I just wish I could make this connection so I could understand what was going on inside of me. What this trigger is all about.

rose.
10:40pm