guiding light in 2018

2:57pm

I’m taking a break from work. I’m legally allowed 15 minutes right? =]

I just checked on my package that I ordered last weekend and it’s supposed to arrive tomorrow. I’m excited for it! There were multiple pieces to the package but the main one, and the one that’s supposed to be here tomorrow, is a print of a painting I really liked. I actually found it because someone on here posted a constellation type painting and I’d been wanting to look for something related to the North Star. This particular print was one of the first I came across and it really caught my eye. I saw a version of it listed on one of those mass produced type sites for less than 20 dollars, but I didn’t pull the trigger right away.

I’m super frugal and a big saver, but at the same time easily drop 100 bucks on dinner and drinks. haha. So whenever I’m debating on buying something now I think of it in terms of that. Like, I’ll spend $6 on a beer at the restaurant why won’t I buy an entire case for 16. Logical, right? =) I did the same thing with this painting. I am glad I waited though because the next day I found the print from the original artist. She was selling stuff on etsy and I’d been drawn there because of a framed one that cost about $60. A little steep for a picture on a wall. I poked around her store and she had the same picture, just a little smaller and unframed, for half the price. I ended up choosing that one. One for the price [I only work 4 months a year haha] and two because I want to frame it myself. Also it’s signed and I’m supporting the original artist instead of some big faceless company.

I only own one other painting like this. Something I found at a casino of 3 horses at sunset framed with barbed wire and this amazing smelling wood.

Anyway, I’m excited. I don’t know if I can figure out how to post a picture of it but basically it’s these two foxes and one has lassoed the northern star.

Here’s the connection y’all don’t want to hear about. When I saw that painting I immediately thought about TF. I didn’t write much about our one date but I know I mentioned he randomly bought me a pair of socks with a fox on them. And during the night we’d talked off and on about the north star. First as a reference to some part of the movie The Patriot that I still haven’t seen but apparently there’s an exchange of a necklace? I don’t actually think it’s a very big part of the movie but he mentioned it to me a couple times that night. Then there were jokes about my getting lost and not knowing how to find the one guiding star and maybe he made jokes about my being too bitter to be eaten by coyotes [that’s a whole other story]. Lastly, when he dropped me off at my door the stars were so clearly visible that it came up again before we hugged goodnight.

It just came up a lot and whenever I hear about it it reminds me of him. And it’s kinda stupid but I wanted something to commemorate that day and/or our whole thing in general. Originally I was leaning towards adding the star to a tattoo idea I’ve been working on. It would fit in nicely. Not just because of the memory attached to it, but because of its regular significance and its tie-in to the rest of the tattoo [which has religious themes]. Who knows when, or if, I’ll ever get that tattoo though and I was really drawn to this painting. So that’s the story.

At first I thought having the reminder would not be helpful but I really need something tangible to hold on to, or look at in this case, that reminds me of what it was and what it meant in my world. Whatever it turns out to be in the future doesn’t matter. I need something that signifies what it was. The way it changed me in all the right ways. Even if it hurt like hell sometimes.

That came up last night. Well not the hurting like hell but the broken heart. I guess I wouldn’t necessarily say he broke my heart but that’s certainly the closest I’ve ever been. I was joking about my erratic BPM and I said something like “maybe my heart’s broken” and then started laughing at my own joke. She made some comment and I said, “oh nevermind I’ll just get told I’m full of shit.” And a whole thing about who said that and blah blah.

That’s the thing though. Whenever I say something like that, and I’m being serious, no one believes me. I get laughed at, or told I’m dumb, or full of it. Why would I lie? Do I really come off as that insensitive. Do people really think I don’t have any feelings? That I’m incapable of being hurt? I mean, I don’t get it. I know I’m not a big crier in public and I don’t shout my love for things from the rooftop, but I’m not a damn robot.

It feels like everyone else gets to sit in their sadness. They get to experience the whole broken heart and friends comforting and people knowing. And any time I try to express myself I’m lying. That doesn’t seem fair.

Or maybe I am just full of shit. =\ I don’t know.

The other day I had this exchange with mom: I was giving the lady on TV unsolicited love advice and then I caught myself and go “I should keep my mouth shut…I couldn’t even get to a 2nd date. hahaha”
Mom: You messed that one up.
Me: What??
Mom: You didn’t want to go again
Me: Oh really?
Mom: Yeah!
silence mostly because I was in shock my own mother was saying this to me…
Me: Hmm, if I remember correctly I waited around all day and no one showed up..but IDK…maybe my memory is off.

She didn’t say anything after that, but come on man! I didn’t do this to myself. Not entirely. Why does it always have to be my fault? Am I that screwed up that everyone is always going to assume it was me that messed it up?

I know that I’m probably self-sabotaging my own happiness here. I don’t know how to truly be happy. I couldn’t be happy with him. I wouldn’t let myself. And I can’t be happy now that he’s gone because I still won’t let myself. I won’t accept the way things are even though I know I’m ok. It’s like I need the drama. I can’t live with out. Something always has to be going wrong. The other shoe is always going to drop.

How do I get out of this mindset? How do I move forward and realize that it’s ok to be happy? How do I convince myself that I’ll be fine either way?

A little more healing time. A little more of that patience that’s always been so elusive to me. A little more time.

rose.
9:26pm