I'm Replaceable With People Who Have Cars in meh...

Conversation between me and Jay. He’s been rather quiet and I know someone passed away that he knew. I was just checking on him and this is what happened:

Him: I’ve got a regular karaoke buddy with a car now. We’ve been doing Wed or Thursday almost every week. Wife has met her and her husband, who also hates karaoke.

Me: I’m glad you got friends you don’t have to babysit.

Him: You’ve got it wrong. It’s good I have friends who don’t have to babysit.

Me: You mistake what I’m saying but it’s ok. “I’ve got karaoke friends with a car.” This puts me in the mind frame that I’m a bother. So the babysit reference was to me. I don’t have the kids a lot right now.

Him: That’s not it at all....and what do you mean about not having the kids?

Me: There’s a story behind it that I don’t want to talk about right now. I have them Tuesdays till 6 or 7 and possibly Fridays and Saturdays. But not this Saturday as I have plans. And while “that’s not it at all,” that’s the way that comment came across. Just a simple “I found some new folks to karaoke with” would have sufficed. You didn’t have to rub it in that she has a car.

Him: Sorry. I guess I was feeling a little guilty for not having bothered you to do karaoke. In reality you’ve been more available recently that you had been.

End Scene

How am I not supposed to feel slighted? Texting and calling does work both ways but I can’t always assume he’s going to karaoke. There are times when I’ve thought about calling, but then I would change my mind or I was tired. This is the very thing that RJ doesn’t say but she acts on it. She has replaced me with someone she doesn’t have to pick up.

Last weekend, I think I noted that I went to the Farmer Market and she met me there. She then took me to another store and that was that. I was about to leave to go home when she called and asked if I was still there. This benefited her so she didn’t mind the drop off and extra errand since she was there.

She invited me to this place in the county for her birthday celebration. So my son’s birthday is today. I knew he and I weren’t going to spend it together. Her birthday is tomorrow. I reminded her of this, but told her we already discussed his plans, etc. So she said she’d pick me up. I kind of don’t want to go. This thing with Jay has upset me and made me think about the only hanging with me when she wants to because of my carless situation. Any other Saturday, she would have gotten up and gone to the farmers market on her own. She knew I was there because I was up early and realized that the only bus that went directly past it, doesn’t anymore. I was mad and posted it on Facebook. But I’m the only person who is awake all hours of the morning. This is my second time waking up.

At any rate, I’ve been thinking maybe I want to weasel out of this or find another way to the party because I don’t want to ride with her. This could turn into her graduation night when she tells me that on big occasions, I need to rent a car.

At this time, I’d like to pause and say I’m premenstrual. So these things I’ve highlighted and am feeling are even more heightened. So I don’t say anything I feel on the usual suspects of social media, because now I’m attention grabbing and I’m sympathy baiting. That’s not my style. I just want to check out of all this shit. But since a handful of people EVER check for me, I guess I should delete numbers in my phone too. My cries for help go unanswered because the ones I want to answer, don’t deal with me.

I’m replaceable with other people who have cars.

This has happened to me twice. Probably all the time. It’s funny. After my van went down, I said I stopped getting dates. And I’ll be damned if it happened. My words are sometimes prophetic in nature.

One day, I will let go of my need to connect with people, to be there and want to help, and be a steward of love. As organic beings, we aren’t made that way no matter how much we try. But one day, it will happen for me.

That’s it…thanks for listening to me whine.

Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated March 10, 2018