No show in Self-Improvement, 2018

I don’t know. Maybe I do need to go back on meds. But I’m not exactly thrilled about the idea of having pills in the apartment either.

Yesterday was a hardcore struggle day. Mentally. My leg was sore from Wednesday’s kickboxing class. I thought it would go away, but it got worse. It was a crappy work day. I was supposed to have football practice last night, but the mental downward spiral began at noon. It was fast and fierce and by 2pm I had already made the executive decision that I wasn’t going to go to football practice. I had no legit excuse. My leg hurt, but they still would have wanted me to attend and watch. I just couldn’t “be”. I turned my phone off from 5pm-10:30pm. I had a text from the team’s owner and from a teammate when I turned my phone back on.

I had no energy. I didn’t want to be contacted. I didn’t want to be alone, but I wanted to be left alone. That doesn’t even make sense, but that’s the best way to describe it.

I slept okay last night, but the dreams weren’t amazing. Leg wasn’t good enough for kickboxing this morning, even if the desire had been there.

I’m struggling hard core to want to play football this year. I signed the contract saying I’d play, but there are so many talented rookies this year who WANT to play, who are MOTIVATED to learn....that I’m like…give them the chance. Its been a struggled to motivate myself to attend the practices that I’ve actually attended. I’m scared that I’m going to get more injured than I already am. Injuries and my mental health don’t get along. At all. An active me is a happy me. If I can’t be active, its hard for me to be the happy version of myself.

This has been depressing enough, but it helps to put the feelings into words.