No Gas Left in Self-Improvement, 2018

Y’all. I feel like I’m running on empty. But hopefully the end result is worth this battle. The letter to the husband actually went really well. He took it to heart and seems to accept the fact that we’re actually going to separate and eventually divorce.

This should make me feel relieved, and I am, but there’s that small part of me that still can’t quite see the light. The tunnel is still very dark.

I did apply for a small one bedroom apartment on Saturday. I should hear back from them today sometime. The fact that I went out and applied for an apartment made the hubby actually really happy because I think it helped solidify his mind that I’m not actually trying to keep the house and displace him. Hopefully everything with this apartment works out. They don’t have weight restrictions on dogs (my dog will be coming with me and he weighs 60 lbs) but they have breed restrictions (my dog is a mutt, but the vet has him listed as a “lab mix”).

I just need to move out of the house. We’re back on friendly terms because of the letter (yay!) but its still so awkward. I wish I could afford to see my therapist on a weekly basis to help keep my mind clear. I wish I had a close relationship with my family and that they were local to give me a shoulder to cry on and to tell me everything is going to be okay.

The one thing I’ve wanted more than anything this past weekend is a close mother/daughter relationship and for my mom to tell me everything is going to be okay. She supports me and my decision, but I wouldn’t say she’s the most emotionally available mother in the world and she definitely doesn’t live close by. And I don’t see myself moving back to WI any time soon (although now would be the time to do so if I did actually want to go that route).

Anyway, I do see my therapist a week from now. Hopefully I have good news to report to her by then. Right now I just kind of feel like I got hit by a bus but the hit wasn’t hard enough to kill me. Ya know?

And work is super stressful right now. One of our clients that we do bookkeeping for has a negative bank balance and they have bills that are super overdue and the owner keeps calling me asking why their bills haven’t been paid. Like, this is not my fault. I am not a bad person. If this job didn’t pay a liveable wage, I’d totally consider moving back home and starting life over with brand new everything. But this job pays just enough, and I actually really like this state. If I do get this apartment as planned, I’ll probably sign a year lease and then re-evaluate my life in a year once everything has calmed down and I have a clearer sense of direction.

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