endlessly in 2018

4:08pm

I’m over today…

My brain hurts and I feel like I’ve done too much thinking, although not a lot of actual work.

I don’t know how it really feels outside but it looks relatively nice. Thin clouds and sunshine. It makes me want to drink a beer in the courtyard, or some sort of outdoor patio.

Days like this I start to miss my college town. Going home after a long day of school/work, grabbing the roommate, and sitting outside of the restaurant eating too many french fries and drinking pitchers of beer. Ahh the fun sweet memories.

That’s what this town is missing. A cool hangout spot. I should give up my carefree lifestyle and open one up. I know there’s a decent desire for a place like that around here. But I’m too lazy. haha. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it the same way if I had to run it. ;)

Anyway, I guess my brain hurts because I tortured myself by reading old emails between TF and I. I know, I know! I’m a freaken masochist. It’s like my brain, or my heart, or some strange part of me cannot live without the drama. I have to live this tortured life. It’s just not the same if my heartstrings aren’t being tugged.

Some day I have to find a better coping mechanism for life.
Some day I’m hoping I’ll be so deliriously happy that I won’t miss the drama one bit. ha!

I try to take it easy on myself. Knowing what I went through and the fact that I’m still healing. Remembering that this is the 1st season back here and there’s a potential meet on the horizon. Of course there are going to be triggers and the memories are going to come flooding back. That’s ok. I’m doing really well in life right now. I am happy. I’m 10,000x better than I was a few months ago. All’s well that ends well. I just have to remember all that.

It was some thing in an entry that made me go back to look up the email exchange. And they were from this one moment that was probably the beginning of the end for us. It was really good. Like flirty exchanges. I could tell from reading back on it that I was so happy to be joking around with him. I was excited, and enjoying the moment, and happy. He was finally asking me to hang out again and it seemed like we were getting somewhere. I had no idea that things were about to flip and I’d be falling apart within 24 hours.

That’s the thing, looking back on it today I started to wish I’d accepted his invitation to hang out at his house. I wish I would have quit being anxious and just gone. I wish I would have flirted a little more instead of dodging. I wish I would have given in a little. I wish I would have just let the guy kiss me already…

But I knew.
I knew he was never going to wait for me. It wasn’t going to go anywhere. There was nothing more than attraction between us. That’s fine and dandy for apparently every other woman on the planet but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around that notion. I don’t know how not to want something deeper and more meaningful. So as much as I’d like to go back into that moment right now and relive it, and experience it differently, I know exactly why I couldn’t do that at the time.

Doesn’t stop me from wanting to have had it all though. =\

Maybe the two of us can make one of those pacts, like if we’re both still single in a couple years, we’ll just run out and get married and wing it from there. There’s no doubt that there would be passion and fire.

Probably like mixing a match and gasoline. heh.

I’m done rambling. I’m going home.

rose.
6:14pm