Now playing: “Green Light” - Lorde
It’s been a while since I had any sort of journal. Now is as good a time as any I suppose.
I’ve been thinking a lot about death. My father in law has terminal cancer and is on chemotherapy as a life-extension measure. He has been staying with us for a few days because this treatment has been particularly rough on him. (He also has no water at home–not ideal for someone who can’t keep their food down.) It’s pretty scary. Not the illness itself, but the fact that eventually days like today where he can’t hold down breakfast and wobbles a little will be considered one of his “good days.” “At least he could walk today.” “At least he could speak today.”
I fear for him. Not necessarily because of the cancer, but for his own mental health and stability. His own mother died from pancreatic (I think) cancer and he watched her wither away. He said she was miserable. I wonder if he thinks of her on days like this where he’s barely sipping a gatorade in between naps. He’d never say. He’s not a big “feelings” guy.
I fear for my husband. He and his father are so close. Husband is absolutely terrified to see his father so pale, so weak. He asked me the other night, “this will get better, right?” I kissed his cheek softly and told him of course it would.
And it will. For a little while.
The IV chemo really knocks him down. He only gets it every 3 weeks. So he will feel better in a few days, with any luck. It’s just the knowing that with the next treatment, he’ll be back down… And there is no possibility of remission. Stage IV colon cancer. Fuck.
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I just started an online class. I already messed up an assignment, which aggravates me to no end. I am a 100% perfectionist, and I already screwed up a discussion question. Why is there no edit button? What self-respecting message board doesn’t have an “edit” or “delete” button?
Other than my own anal-retentiveness, class is going alright, I think. I have a really hard time focusing and teaching myself, though, so I take extensive notes from the text and then read them over and over hoping something will stick.
I was one of those kids that were told how smart and gifted they were that sort of spin out of control when things don’t come naturally like it “should.”
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DH and I just started a new diet a couple weeks ago. Keto. Lots of meat and veggies. I have lost 10lbs already but it’s mostly water weight and I have a long ways to go. Supposedly it can have a good effect on those with mental illnesses so here’s to hoping.
I gotta go cook now. Father-in-law may actually want some soup.
xx
ladylexapro
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