It’s complicated when a sociopath leaves you. I’m lying here trying to sort through the mess in my head and I know I need to get it out. I’m resisting the urge to send another text describing my pain, lashing out at how thoughtless and cold she is. It won’t do any good anyhow. Why should I give someone like that reign to leave be raw when they don’t care to begin with. I think that’s the biggest problem for me, I won’t answers or at least closure but I need to take silence as a blessing…as freedom. I am somewhat surprised that they are no tears this time. My sister had asked me earlier why I was even talking to her knowing what I do. I replied with more honesty than I thought. I continued contact because I’m lonely and even knowing what I do I could still pretend that someone cared. How fucked is that? What kind of life? Ugh. It’s so hard to not be sucked in. This girl is literally the biggest train wreck I’ve ever had the displeasure of coming across and still I want to pretend that I haven’t wasted my time, that I was worth something. But I guess that’s the thing…I’m worth so much more than how she made me feel which has made me teeter on this big cliff. Depression looms over me and I’m frantically trying to find something to cling to but the things I’m reaching for are just fantasy.
I bought some makeup today. Pricey stuff that. I told my sister that maybe I would feel better about myself if I used it a bit. I’ve never been one for makeup but with everything that has happened over the past few months I feel like that direction is okay, to want to improve one’s self for myself. Well, that’s not entirely true. Being ghosted before and the whole nonsense with K…destroyed my self worth. It’s hard to think highly of yourself when people can so casually use and discard you. I guess that’s the point though, to tear someone down so they are miserable like you or so you hang on the scraps of validation they give you. People are assholes.
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