dxvi in idea barrages

1.) I’m like Bow in SHE-RA, kind of useless but you need one or two dudes around and hey at least my hair is incredibly handsone.

2.) If you say “Big Rock Candy Mountain” ten times fast you eventually slip, say “Big Cock Randy Mountain” and then you’re imagining a spy farce where a Chippendales stripper has to try and save the world and… I’m sorry, but this happens to everyone.

3.) You can’t spell “judgmental” without “u” and “mental”.

4.) The ultimate evolution of “is the pope Catholic” and “does a bear poop in the woods” is, of course, “does the popemoble poop in the woods?”

5.) Your musical/Star Wars crossover will be called “Moulin Rogue One”. It will be… terrible.

6.) Will LCD Soundsystem eventually evolve into LED Soundsystem, just like Jefferson Airplane was the caterpillar from which Starship would eventually vomit forth?

7.) Though scientists believed all tongue-twisters in the English language had been documented, this young upstart Twitterer named Mike comes along and whispers to the Tongue-Twister Council: “Koala Cloaca”. AND LO, THEY DECLARED, THERE ARE NEW TWISTERS YET.

8.) Someone pointed out my typo in a previous tweet “vomit fort” instead of “vomit forth” and… yes it was a typo but now if I ever start a heavy metal record label what it will be called. “Vomit Fort Records”.

9.) KEEP THE CRASH MIST IN CHRISTMAS!

10.) Well, at least we have a name for a speed metal band with a Miami Vice aesthetic: NET BRUTALITY.

11.) How much would you have to bribe a Catholic priest to start off a Christmas mass by solemnly intoning “We Wish You A Turtles Christmas, We Wish You A Turtles Christmas, We Wish You A Turtles Christmas And A Turtley Awesome New Year”? A handle of Jack?

12.) A parody of Lennon’s “Whatever Gets You Through The Night” about ginzu knives? How obscure can I go before the Irony Police catch on?

13.) Of course, Alderaan was a bunch of hipsters anyway, even their princess had to be Organa-ic.

14.) If there’s ever a big time British rapper, I’ll call him “Nutella ICE”.

15.) If your hands are constantly phasing in and out of reality to tell you to come to the light but you’re fighting it? That’s Corporeal Tunnel Syndrome.

16.) Wrist hurt from waving all snicker-snack at the Jabberwock? That’s Vorpal Tunnel Syndrome.

17.) Wrists lock up from digging war trenches all day? That’s Corporal Tunnel Syndrome.

18.) Dreams you’re going to suffocate trapped in an elevator with a talk show host? That’s Oprah Tunnel Syndrome.

19.) An inability to use your family’s flooring business to launder your gambling and drug money? That’s Carpet Funnel Syndrome.

20.) When ever I see that meme about the free seratonin necklace, I’m like “man, that convict sure had hippie parents if they named him Seratonin Necklace” and then I realize no one else would think that’s funny.

21.) Hands accidentally exposed to poison gas? Much more likely to develop Bhopal Tunnel Syndrome.

22.) BEE MOVIE was really just the first step toward THE BEE MOVIE CINEMATIC UNIVERSE.

23.) Well, yeah, I’m glad Ben & Jerrys’ never put out that “ADVENTURES OF HERCULES’ KEVIN SORBET. That was a good call, for their sake.

24.) From the Plumbers Local Union to all of you and yours this holiday: Season’s Groutings!

25.) Your vlog where you answer questions about fringe thought will be called CONSPIRACY QUERY.

26.) Dame Daphne du Maurier’s classic romantic thriller “Rebecca” except with the name “Rebecca” replaced in every instance with the phrase “My Very Real Girlfriend Sonic The Hedgehog”.

27.) I won’t spoil the ending of THE LUST JEDI for you but I will say, the climax was as predictable as it was disappointing.

28.) If Kylo Ren started a new Empire, would that be a Han Dynasty?

29.) WHEN A MAN IN A MASK JUST STARTS KICKING YOUR ASS, LUCHADORE, WHEN A DUDE IN A CAPE GOES INSANE LIKE AN APE, LUCHADORE, RING BELL SINGS “DINGALING DINGALINGALINGALING” IT’S A COUNTOUT, OWNER RUNS RUNALUN RUNALUNALUNALUNARUN, RE-FIGHT THE BOUT!

30.) Enjoying spending time with my brother and his two crazy dogs in The Land of Fire but I will say, I am still fighting jet lag and back cramps pretty hard. Planes were not designed for 6‘6 308.

31.) 364 nights a year, he’s a cop. 1 night a year, he’s Santa. He’s kicking ass and taking two lists of names in PROBABLE CLAUS.

32.) Uber downvotes passengers for not chatting up their drivers, total creepy strangers with no background check? Uber, are you TRYING to create the most dangerously toxic environment on Earth?

33.) And sometimes one of your weird twitter jokes gets retweeted by one of your favourite bands and the world feels not so bad. Thanks, tmbg!

34.) With both Peak Geena Davis and Peak Jeff Goldblum in it, there are very few sexualities that are not pleased by EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY.

35.) Naughty OR nice? I say WHY NOT BOTH.

36.) In CVS: “Sir, I haven’t been here in a while, where’s your lottery machine?” Three minutes later, I hold the tickets up “Now that I’ve made a purchase, what’s the code to the men’s room?” Because that’s how I roll when I’m in the big city.

37.) There is a tragic news story about a person in Goochland and, like, I can’t deal with it because I can’t believe there’s really a place called Goochland that isn’t, like, a pornography theme park or something.

38.) I hope James Franco and Angelina Jolie become a star couple at some point so that Frangelico can be their celebrity portmanteau.

39.) As the last person on Twitter to still publicly identify as an extrovert, despite it being a concept that is entirely extroversion, I would like to simply say “Hello, I am trying to talk to strangers on a social network, of course I am extroverted”.

40.) LAST JEDI SPOILER: a Porg stops, looks directly into the camera and says in plain English “please buy three of me at Target for 39.99 plus applicable taxes”.

41.) When someone asks you if you’re introverted or extroverted, look ‘em dead in the eye and say “EXTRUDED”. See what happens! Maybe they’ll propose right there!