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nothispenelope

March in The Wonderland Years: 2011: entries, 1/2 done

Feb. 1, 2014, 8:18 p.m.
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'1st

not what you think. actually. I don't know what you think but usually when I see an entry title such as that one I tend to get a little worried.

This is about Jacob. a nondepressing entry. for once.

We really don't have much in common. Far as I'm concerned we're off. again. The only reason I'm keeping him around, as it were, is because we've been friends for the last 3 or so years. he knows my shit. he's great w/ emotional stuff but as far as pop culture specificaly before the '60's........goes. that's. where the similarities end. I need to be with people who get me long story short. and he. doesn't. we don't even talk. sure maybe it's 'wrong' or 'bad' or. whatever. to keep someone in youre life for that reason but I don't make/keep friends very easily, so.

Yes he's hurt me. but ever since realisng the above it's not as. evident i guess is the word. I'm not upset about this. I'm not anything, really. Honestly it is what it is.

As always. Note w/ civility.'

______________________________________________________________________________

'......world - Clapton.

yeah i'm a little upset. about one of my recent notes. The noter seemed annoyed that I hadn't given Jacob a chance because we didn't have much in common..........something about '60's pop culture........I didn't read the rest of the note bc I didn't like the tone of it.

Ok well.........the noter's right. actually. That's not why it's upset me. And really, I think we all need to be with people who get us why's that have t o be such a bad thing? that's how I felt it was taken. though i could be wrong.

And yeah mayb I don't give people enough of a chance. but y'know w hat that's my issue to solve? or. not solve.

It upset me because........of the way it was phrased. something along the lines of 'y'know, maybe next time you could.........try/do this' instead of basically verbally attacking me.

If you don't agree w/ me or have a different opinion or thhink I 'should' do something differently that's fine. But when I put 'note with caution/civility' I actually mean that. that's not something for people to ignore.

I'm really starting to think I shouldn't allow for notes if that's how people are going to be. If I don't allow for notes then I don't get hurt. yeah maybe i'll do that then.

...............though. the notes fuel my writing, so.

I know I can't change how people are. doesn't mean I won't try. people can say if you keep reacting that gives them a reason to keep doing what they're doing. and if you don't like that then don't do that thing. Well, yes............but also. If you don't do something about a certain situation it'll keep happening. which is interesting bc usually when people do something i don't like [this when i'm out and about] i usually don't tell them.

I like writing here and in general, I do. it's how i deal w/ things. and it's sad that bc of the way things are phrased I feel like I can't. ya know? like wow..........thanks really that's very helpful.

it's a Morton's Fork, in a way. if i don't allow for notes then i won't write more..........but then if I do i set myself up to be hurt, so. people really don't take people like me into consideration.

well that's it. i'm not allowing for notes and i've already explained why.'

'19th

......nothing.

I a ctually hadn't planned to write today. was going to tomorrow since it's the 20th and i have this thing w/ even numbers.

So, it's not so much that I don't know what to do about this. it's that I don't want anything to be done.

So I have this friend. He's a few years older than me, very sweet, up in RI. new friend. [if you're reading this then you know who you are]. But......that's the problem. is he's too sweet. He noted me and he's like 'i would've protected you'. well uh thanks i guess. no i get the sentiment I do and appreciate it. But I don't need protecting. that makes it sound like I'm incapable incompetent inself-sufficient. [the latter's proably not an actual word]. I'm not 5 ok? and I don't need you to talk to me like I am. Look. I've been emotionally on my own since I was 17. just because my dad hasn't protected me doesn't mean I need another man to. It's not your job to step in and fill that......well. void, i guess. don't be my dad for me. well. as it were.

Here's my issue w/ sympathy: it makes me feel incompetent. thought not as incompetent as pity oh dear god. don't you ever pity me. And that's why I don't like it when I.....uh. when people give other sympathy. I'll tell you I get it. but I sure as hell won't give you sympathy. If that's what you're lookin for from me well. go find someone else.

I'm not a bitch [no, clearly]. I'm just all about empowerment. and sympathy doesn't empower you. It's interesting.......I'm really sweet but that's the one area of my life where I'm practical.

And, really. it's not a personal thing. If someone I knew were the same I'd feel the same. his grammar's also not the best. Which, again. isn't a personal thing. it's not like oh i don't like you bc your grammar's not the best and therefore we'll stop talking. it's.........regardless of who you are I won't like incorrect grammar. same w/ repeating myself. You could be the queen and I'd still hate it.

And. I don't want him to suddenly be mean because well that would suck. obviously. [yes really]. As my friend Athena once said, "don't stop doing what you're just because of me". and yet, in saying that aren't we all hoping subconsciously that said person does? well yes. But that's also saying 'well i don't like what you're doing so i'm going to change you'. which isn't right either.

I'm sure [and don't tell me there aren't because I know for a fact there are] things I do that annoy the hell out of others. i'm not saying i'm perfect. [unless you're in love w/ me/my significant other/have just met me and/or a friend. which indicates [no that's not the word....um....] that you don't know/haven't experienced what those things are.....ever notice that the more you get to know someone the less you like them? it doesn't take most long to annoy me]. bc i'm not.

yes i could email him [which i've been meaning to do anyways] and actually tell him all this via email. but see..........the thing w/ emails is that they require a reply. and i don't want one for this. I just want it to be known. like hey here's what's goin on.

sure maybe that wasn't his intent. but that's beside the point. I don't care if it's your intent [again not personal] or not! the point is it happened and it made this person feel this way which if they're hurt/annoyed/offended/upset/other, obviously. wasn't right. and don't apologise as that doesn't help. just try and do better.

see [and no i'm not done here. almost though] that's the thing most people don't get about apologies. is that without the 'i'll try and do better' part they don't mean much. There isn't a going forward. 'i'm sorry' well yeah ok that's great and thanks but that doesn't tell me much. like, are you planning [read: going] to improve or are you just going to leave it as it? I'm making a point I'm not asking a question here so don't answer that question bc it's rhetorical and, as said.

um..........there was a bit more to this......... '

'I'm still very hurt by this which is why I've avoided writing about it. Frankly i'd sooner be drinking. but well i'm not. dangit. [oh that's my new thing now. one of them]. and apparently today's my day to get caught up w/ my writing.

So as yall know my new goal is [well. was.] to get a girlfriend. it's nearing the end of March and I still don't have one. probably because I've stopped trying because I wasn't having much luck. Anyway.......I thought I'd found one. So she emails me and proceeds to tell me what she's going to be doing when I phone her. at the time we hadn't exchanged numbers. still haven't bc we've stopped emailing. thank god.

So I tell Jacob about it [at the time he and I were still speaking]. and he laughs.

See she was going to be. um....god........wow there's absolutely no way to put this discreetly. uhmmmmmmm.......i'll just say it's what women [some of us] do to deal w/ their sex drive. and yes i know there's a word for it but i don't like that word.

Ok firstoff, there is a time and a place to tell someone that. and that's when you're either having phone sex [had that. and i'm not having it again for awhile] or you're in bed. Really! god! have some fuking tact! When I say what you do behind closed doors is your business I mean that. and your business alone. I don't need to know what that is. in regards to sex and all that, i mean. If I phone you while you're making dinner and you're talking to yourself [as people do] while doing so than that's entirely different.

Secondly. You don't laugh at someone who's been hurt. well unless they find it funny too, like on AFV. and those physical comedy sketches they used to have back in the day like Abbot & Costello and......others. oh and the fact the woman put that in the email both shocked and hurt me. And then when Jacob laughed. well that didn't help. he's kinda like 'well yeah what did you expect her to do?'. obviously not that.

Does that happen a lot? like, is it a regular occurance?

When someone's hurt you do everything but laugh at them. Unless, well. as said.

I would never put something like that in an email.

pardon me for living in the victornia era or whatever..........but wow. what. an ass.'

'20th

.....to be stronger than my patterns.

I'm once again annoyed w/ Jacob. yeah like that's news. Here's why I don't like him. Basically he's really not that nice a person. actually. guess I was just too blindsided by love last year to realise it. He made me feel like a princess. so I thought he was sweet. what girl wouldn't want that?

But in all honesty:

*he's hurtful

*he broke my heart

*he doesn't get me

*he doesn't take things seriously

*he's made me feel awful about me

*he's made me feel like all I was was a sex symbol

*he doesn't know any pop culture before the '60's and in the past when I've tried to tell him he doesn't retain it

We're not even friends at this point just acquaintances. we've been on and off friends for years. The only reason I still have his FB page/cell is bc I won't ever delete someone/their number. I'd hate not knowing where it went. Even if I haven't talked to you in ages....I'll never delete you.

But then, in the past when I've been like this I've gone back to him. I have to be stronger than my patterns. Have to. He's not abusive he's just. not that great a guy. The song Landslide fits this perfectly.

He's not worthy of my white rose. I mean this both as a metaphor [sexually] and as......um.not. According to the movie Beastly white roses mean loyalty, humility and that I'm worthy of you. also, according to a guy I hung out w/ last summer they also stand for someone who can't ever be loved. well they've certainly always seemed isolated to me. so hm maybe it's both?............and Jacob's favorite flower is the white rose.

Also. he's not worthy of me. i'm sorry if that sounds mean but w/ all the crap he's put me through.......y'know.

or. maybe it's that i'm not worthy of him. well i'm not though. as i've come to realise. as evidenced by this entry.

I deserve so much better than this. than the crap he or anyone else put/s me through. interestingly enough he was the one who taught me that.'

'credit goes to Fleetwood Mac:

I took my love and I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills 'Til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? Mmm, mmm, I don't know Mmm, mmm...

Well I've been 'fraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you, But time makes you bolder, even children get older oh, I'm getting older too So...

I've been 'fraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder, even children get older I'm getting older too I'm getting older too

Oh, Take my love, take it down Oh, you climb a mountain and you turn around And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills Well, the landslide'll bring it down Oh, and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills The landslide will bring it down Oh, oh, the landslide will bring it down'

'Walkin On Sunshine - Katrina & The Waves. because it's been so warm lately/spring is coming

Le Jazz Hot - from Victor/Victoria. and after spring, summer

Silly Love Songs - by McCartney, apparently. just because this is an adorable song

Need You Now - Lady Antebellum. loneliness

She's Not There - The Zombies. and this one goes out to Jacob.......don't bother trying to find her she's not there

Firework - Katy Perry. very empowering. played daily. reminds you that you're worth it. *

Landslide - Fleetwood Mac. about sticking to changing your patterns

Changes - David Bowie. self explanatory, and. more on this later

*Circle Of Life - from Lion King, Elton John. about my grandmother....more on this later

*Colors Of The Wind - from Pocahontas. about my paternal grandmother

*He Lives In You - from Lion King, Elton John. about my paternal grandfather

*Umbrella - Rihanna. it's cute.

*You'll Think Of Me - Keith Urban

*Stupid Boy - Keith Urban

*Ain't No Sunshine - covered by Eva Cassidy. who is amazing. not because of the lyrics but the music. sexy and sad and beautiful. great song.

*actually all of these are played daily except Changes'

'.........plucks his orchid

We were lying in the living room on the carpet in front of the tv our backs to it. Even though she’d seen me in my ugliness she still thought I was beautiful and loved me. We had roses and orchids growing everywhere her favorites. Both flowers were white. White roses for isolation, humility, loyalty and worth. The orchids for lust and elegance. Grace Kelly herself couldn’t have picked a better flower. Very ‘40’s very classic.

So there I was in my black hoodie holding my brunette beauty to me. She smelled good but she always smelled good. Maybe it was all the time she spent in the garden or maybe it was just her in her entirety. Some days I went without my hoodie she no longer cared we’d been together long enough. But I didn’t feel like being exposed right now. I was sad and she knew it. We didn’t talk.

I pulled her closer dying to itch the cuts that grew on my arms along with the tree. She found every part of me beautiful but not lovely she described it as shockingly beautiful. Because that’s what it first was when people stared and saw all the tattoos. They didn’t know what to think. But they judged me. It was very sad. They didn’t take time to be blind to who I was physically. Because that’s all they ever saw. At first glance. And that glance stuck with them. But, instead of itching I wrapped my arms around her. It was so much easier to run we both knew that. But it wasn’t always better. And she'd seen every. Part of me. We both knew something big was going to happen a change a big change. That neither of us would like. But one of that mattered now. It was quiet. And we were just there. Who knows how many hours had passed.

It took her awhile to open up because she was used to being on her own. She'd told me time and time again she didn’t need protecting. But maybe I’d changed her after, I myself changed. I knew she thought of me as gentle and loving and to her I was. She. We both were so careful with the flowers. Because we had to be. You have to be careful with everything in this world. And everyone. I’d learned that from her. But I hadn’t always been as she knew me now.'

'21st

ok I just listened to this song for the first time in ages and it's. pretty damn incredible. It's inspirational and uplifting and sad very sad. it makes me sad. It's a great song. The music just washes over you. it's like the music in 'Phantom'. now that. was an increible show.

It'll be a year this April 8th that my paternal grandfather passed. [which is why the song makes me sad].

credit goes to Elton John:

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [Here is a lion and a tiger] Night And the spirit of life Calling

Oh, oh, iyo Mamela [Listen] Oh, oh, iyo

And a voice With the fear of a child Answers

Oh, oh, iyo Oh, mamela [Listen] Oh, oh, iyo

Ubukhosi bo khokho [Throne of the ancestors] We ndodana ye sizwe sonke [Oh, son of the nation)]

Wait There's no mountain too great Oh, oh, iyo Hear these words and have faith Oh, oh, iyo Have faith

Hela hey mamela [Hey, listen]

Chorus:

He lives in you He lives in me He watches over Everything we see Into the water Into the truth In your reflection He lives in you'

'I'm still not sure how I feel about this.

So.

I just sent Jacob an email saying we're through. For our relationship. And as for our friendship......well we're more acquaintances than friends. No I won't delete his FB bc I don't do that.

I said........I'm not saying I don't want to ever not be friends. I'm just saying not right now. And that I don't want to talk about why I'm doing this.

which. i don't.

I actually was going to do this on FB but then thought better of it.

he might wonder but y'know what?........that's. that really shouldn't have to be my problem any longer. I know god I know 2 wrongs don't make a right.

I'm really hoping he doesn't decide to drown his sorrows in alcohol. I know he like me does that. and yeah i will fell guilty for that. like, so I decided to basically cut the cord so to speak and because of my actions he'll decide to do something like that.

which is another reason I have to be stronger this time. It's my guilt that's been pulling me back godamn [sorry]. like wow. That's what's been keeping me with him because I..........well i care more about him than i do. and that's why we love me [well. one reason] but is that really what's best for me?

I think we already know that.

How do you stay strong in times like this? no I'm actually asking here. i really want to know. How do you come to terms with the fact that no you didn't do anything?

or does it eventually just sorta happen?

well. think back. how did i come to terms w/ the assault.

wow that's. um. big.

look i'm an independent self-sufficient woman and i don't need a man and i've proven that. time in the words of cyndi lauper. after time.

not that that makes it any easier.

i don't deserve someone like him.

no because ya know what. i deserve better damnit. yea. a helluva lot better.

he can call me a bitch he can call me cold hearted. and yeah that'll hurt. a lot. a lot a lot. but i need to do this for me.

well. that was a hell of an epiphany.

that's one less thing i have to worry about'

'/gotta make a change/rearranging prioties.

well we already know why.

But besides that.

Now I'm still single because I'm coming to terms with this whole Jacob thing. and maybe that's why I don't want comitment right now.

although sex would be great. bu-ut.........i don't have condoms. what? if i'm not currently fuking then i don't need them. seems logical to me.

great. this means i'll continue to be sexually frustrated. damnit.

ok well. [thinkin outloud here].............i could. focus on somethin else. writing/drawing/music. so..........this means I need to have another playlist. [i'm constantly makking new ones]. filled w/ happy songs. you know. oh and empowerment songs. already started doing that.

um and.............read/write more.

rearranging priorities.

that's really all i got for now'

'Or maybe. Jacob actually won't be too upset about it. On his FB he hasn't posted any status updates on it. maybe I'm wrong in expecting him to, you know. be upset about this. actually be hurt.

yeah sure. in a way it's a relief. it means I don't have to worry about it. which is really weird. I know guys aren't big on sharing their feelings. well. some of yall. but at least if I knew he was hurt it would show he actually. cares. and if he doesn't then wow. he really is an ass.

This being single thing isn't new to me. i've been single for the last 6 months going........on. 7. damn.

In the words of Cee Lo Green. well. you know.'

'22nd

.....mean that things are great.

In a way it's a huge relief [Dog Days Are Overer.fits.this.] because I don't have to deal with that. anymore. Y'know? I don't have to worry about him anymore about his annoyances. It got to the point where I was tired of putting up with his crap with him. and decided I wasn't going to any further.

The thing that no one ever tells you about switching priorities is that. it's not always the relief you were hoping for. sometimes. it's not even a relief.

I've started to go on a Tina Turner kick lately. well. starting with 'what's love got to do with it?'. great song btw. [some days........i change my musical preferences as often as some people change their...............?]. and, although i'm pretty sure that question is rhetorical, the answer. is everything.

not love between significant others. love because i'm lov-ing. [apparently]. unselfish. always putting others before me.

switching priorities is weird. yeah kindof.'

'credit goes to Tina Turner:

You must understand though the touch of your hand Makes my pulse react That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl Opposittes attract It's physical Only logical You must try to ignore that it means more than that

What's love got to do, got to do with it What's love but a second hand emotion What's love got to do, got to do with it Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

It may seem to you that I'm acting confused When you're close to me If a tend to look dazed I've read it someplace I've got cause to be

There's a name for it There's a phrase that fits But whatever the reason you do it for me

What's love got to do, got to do with it What's love but a second hand emotion What's love got to do, got to do with it Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

I've been taking on a new direction But I have to say I've been thinking about my own protection It scares me to feel this way

What's love got to do, got to do with it What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion What's love got to do, got to do with it Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken'

'......guys" when all you're intending to do is sleep w/ her.

well ok maybe not all.

This isn't the first time I've run into this issue. I realise that yes I might not find a straight guy who won't want to sleep w/ me. bc i'm hot/cute/pretyt/sweet. But really? I don't want to be some guy's Marilyn.

You might be a nice guy.......but, ya know. you're still a guy. which means you want sex.

Women want sex too. trust me. But that's not why I'm going to hang out w/ someone. Sure I'll cuddle/make out w/ guys. but when I hang out/"date" them, it's not about sex. Not at first.

I guess it's different for guys bc it's not emotional. well. some of them.

[i say i don't want to be some guy's Marilyn and yet I want casual sex. but more on that later] '

'23rd

......and my junk. sime people have real problems.

And by 'my junk' I don't mean anything sexual. not that anyone's thought that. although I'm sure now you're all thinking that.

Y'know up untill yesterday I thought breakups had a time limit. And yet......I'm still getting over this one. so apparently. they don't. y'know i thought 'oh after a year it won't matter'. yeah but. i was wrong. He broke up w/ me a year and 4 months ago. We were together 4 months. you'd think oh 4 months that's not a long time. well and you'd be right. it's not. But we had a future planned together. We had that Hollywood love. you know. classic. old fashioned. like Hepburn and Gregory Peck in that one movie.......Roman Holiay I think it was. i've not seen that. nor have I seen Breakfast At Tiffany's. seen The Nun's Story thought that was interesting. I was sick during that. [i doubt he even knows who gregory peck is. oh 'he' being jacob]. so yeah we were pretty serious.

I thought he was different. when we started liking each other he told me wasn't like msot guys. yeah but.....and then. we got to talking emailing over this past year. and. those were some very explicit phone calls/emails. I was surprised by what he'd detailed in the emails because, well. as said. i'm selfish in bed. when it comes to guys, anyway. idk bout the women since i've not had much sexual experience with women.

So guys, if you're looking for a woman to um, in the words of the Beatles' 'please please me' that's. not me. we'll touch cuddle kiss [and eventually fuk bc dear lord] but there is one place i will not go to. i'm sorry. and it's not a personal thing i jut don't like. them. [male sex organs if that wasn't clear enough]. but apparently i'm not the only one.

[my god can i go on about a topic. like 'ok we get it shut up tell us something new'. i will].

See women fall into these 'traps'. We meet a guy get to know him think he's nice think he won't want to sleep with us. and that's all because we fall into those 'traps. we self-sabotage. We get all happy and excited about him and then he thinks of us as sex objects and only that and it's damn. yall really suck.

I'm not the kindof woman who needs a man. my mom's not either. and thank god for that. [which sortof implies there's something wrong w/ being that kindof woman. well no that's not it at all. what it is is that. um. .........my life doesn't revolve around my always being in a relationship. ya know i can - and do - do other things w/ my time. i have other things to focus on]. and/but yet as soon as i get in a relationship i become that kindof woman.

I don't see things factually I'm not driven by fact and never have been. I'm driven by emotion. [in case you can't tell by how incredibly passionate i am about music]. When i go/get itno a relationship i don't think 'ok i'm not going to let this happen to me i'm not going to fall for him only to have him see me as his Marilyn'. i just let things happen as they do. i don't plan out my relationship.

Look yall. I'm not bashing relationships. If you're in one and happy and it's going well then great because the world needs more love in it. I'm and have been telling you why I don't want to be in one right now.

I realised, yesterday that. i can't ever have casual meaningless sex bc sex will always mean something to me. that's my assumption as of now anyway.

So.

Y'know.......to quote Spring Awakening, we all have our junk and my junk is you. yeah like we all got shit that er. sorry. i'm not being very clear here. clear here tehe. ok.

Like............we all got relationship stuff and things that hurt that's part of our lives wherever we are in them right now. And Jacob's mine.

Well........and to quote Sia no. i'm sorry. some people have real problems [that's the title of Sia's 1st album]. y'know. not, like petty shit. addictions and. whatever. emotional things.

[hence. the.......'some people'].

Need you colors what's love he lives in a house one bell home the bitch my junk why don’t you touch me ever The above are songs that describe my life right now: Need You Now [Lady Antebellum], Colors OF The Wind [Pocahontas], What's Love Got To Do With It [Tina Turner], He Lives In You [Lion King], A House Is Not A Home, One Less Bell, Home [The Wiz], The Bitch Of Living, My Junk [Spring Awakening], Why Don't You Do Right [covered by Natalie Cole], Touch Me [Spring Awakening] and Ever [Emilie Autumn]. '

'Before I start. Please Be Nice. Note With Caution. or don't note.

Ok, so. very simple request.

How do you come to terms with something? Or does it just happen on its own?

Thanks! '

'24th

Again, note with civility. With Caution. or, don't note.

Hey yall,

What are some good empowerment songs?

Also, about things not having a time limit? [this is in regards to my last entry the one about relationships/breakups not having a time limit]

Thanks! '

'I've discovered a new religion. It's. Music.

No I'm serious yall. Music will save you. It saved me the other night. That is the one thing I can, do and will promise people. And I rarely promise things.

See here's the brilliance of the thing. Um. It...........wow. I forgot. I know there's a point to this.........

it's like everyone's friend but you don't. talk to it.

Oh! Now I remember.

When Marion Colltilard and the other women of the movie Nine were discussing said movie on Oprah, she said something about how it's easier for you to listen to it when you're sad so it helps you be sad. And the thing.........the thing is. it's kind about your emotions. It doesn't tell you how fat or horrible or. whatever. you are.

It's easier to feel this way when it's already there

or happy. or. again whatever, emotion.

[here i am trying to personify music] '

'25th

......imitates life.

So I saw Beastly the other week. It was interesting. Romantic. I related to it. I haven't seen a romance in.......a long while. The last one I saw was. um. The Last Song. I love romance. and love. actually i also saw Dear John when it came out but didn't like it.

I think I'm like Belle [from Beauty & The Beast] because I see past what's there. I see people.......in the words of Rose from Titanic. I haven't watched that in years. It was one of the first DVDs I bought. I love the show they have in Disney [beauty & the beast, that is. at MGM]. well. I love any show. except Billy Elliot. I liked the music in it. esp. that one song. [oh how specific]. the one the workers sang about coming together.....during which there'r police singing onstage. The actors who played Billy were great dancers. But I wouldn't reccomend it.

I love the theater.......but I never come late ha. well both are true and sometimes in the same event. I try not to be late to things. Not that I'm usually meeting people. but in the event I am.

Anyway back to Belle.

I'm not conceited. which, ironically. isn't sexy. like yeah ok we get it you're hot. I like to read........and I'm a bit odd just like Belle.

The song 'beauty and the beast' reminds me of Mom's parents because of how long they've been together. 50 some years. And my grandmother was stunning in her day. As does 'some enchanted evening'.

I keep hoping............something will change Dad's mom. she'll be unselfish. just like in the story with the rose. I used to think she was sweet sweet as me. and yeah maybe she was. or maybe because I was young I didn't see her as she is now. I keep remembering thinking of her as she was. not as she is now. just like with Mom and Kate.

But life doesn't work that way. we don't get magic flowers. to give to people that change them. no not literal ones. not real ones.

I love fairytales. i also realise that life isn't.

According to the movie [and I know not many people look into flower meanings anyore but I do so call me old-fashioned] white roses mean humility, loyalty, worth. and isolation. [according to a guy i 'dated' last summer]. I know of a few people who could do with white roses. they might not know/understand the concept/meaning..........and if i gave them to my grandmother she'd just be the same. ya know i'm trying in a way [though i haven't actually done so it's the sentiment here] to show her to be nice to people by being nice to her and giving her the flowers.

but i know that'll never be. so.and.which is why i haven't/don't.

when i say 'do with white roses' i mean 'do with humility'. Jacob's the other one. my friend Heather's mom's the other from what i hear.

The "magic flowers" are pills. my grandmother's on pills now. well. she was before. actually. but she's on Ritalin now. which is sad. that the only thing that makes her happy are pills. the only thing. for the first time in fukin ages. the only thing that does it is. well. for lack of a better word fake. artificial. but she's at the point in her life where nothing else will. and don't sit there and read this and think 'well how do you know?' or 'oh sure it will'. yeah you can hope and that's nice and i appreciate the sentiment. but hope isn't always what's real. which is why pessimists are more right than optimists according to a former therapist of mine. i know there's more to that.....

more right? er.no. sry. I meant....right more often than optimists.

You know I don't believe in pills. I believe in the natural approach. I won't ever tell you 'no don't take pills for that' because well i don't do that. I stay quiet. but I also don't agree w/ it. If it works for you then ok. I think people should find what works for them. I'm not judging/bashing people for taking pills. I'm stating why I don't believe in them.

Thing is as much as I'd like it to be there the hope for my grandmother's sortof dying. and honestly. not much can/will bring it back.

I think everyone knows by now that whatever I've got going on I relate it to a song. or 2. or 3. or 10. or........ok you get it. And here in this situation I'm not choosing 'beauty & the beast' because it's romantic and sweet and pretty and makes me cry because i love it that damn much. No. no. I'm choosing it because of the message of the movie.

Yeah but what if that even wasn't enough? changing someone on the outside to match how they are on the inside? you know. in "that world".

what if they never got it.

just a thought.

Regardless of whether or not I'm related to you I don't want to be around you if you're selfish and mean. Regardless of who you are.

Y'know. in a way it's like an addiction. The person can only change if they themselves want to. and she doesn't. no well clearly she doesn't. we've known that for months that's not new. don't sit there and tell me otherwise.

And because I can't say all this to her I do it through music. to how incredibly connected I am to it. how incredibly passionate.

you think you own whatever land you land on the earth is just a dead thing you can claim..........you think the only people who are people.......

that's it that is it perfectly'

'In the words of Neil Young. I feel. helpless.

not such a new thing as I've been feeling that way for months. About my grandmother.

[yes now i've switched on to this topic]

I was put on this earth [pretty sure i've covered this before] to help people. I discovered this when I was in high school. I will always put the world before me. Always.

and ijust hope to god i don't become like her

I don't like feeling helpless. like there's not a damn thing i can do about it. which well cmon let's face it. there's not. i went over that in my last entry.

I don't like feeling like something's dying. that something being hope. sure I wouldn't exactly call myself an optimist. but it's. it's very sad. it's heartbreaking.

I don't like feeling like people around me are changing. I don't do well with change. as we've already discovered. i don't care if it's a good surprise fact is. it's still a surprise. and i don't like surprises. not......not big ones. There's a line from the Sara Bareilles [started listening to her] song 'love song'; 'you're not who i thought you were'. My grandmother's not.

This is just like when I found out my dad had Asperger;s. because it won't ever be the same. I'll just have to adjust. and i won't like it.

won't?

it's already started

I can't just write it off just write her, off. And that's because she's my grandmother. Ya can't quit family. You know not like with Jacob.

so I'm stuck. damnit. and I don't like being stuck.'

'more on my grandmother.

She used to be lovely. A lot like me, actually. Sweet.

We used to go to shows........the ballet. That was our thing growing up. Ya know?

And then as she progressed [i don't want to say 'got older'. you know me i always try and be discreet/polite] in her life we stopped going. I went off to college. I came back and it just. stopped.

Because of her depression she really doesn't do much. yeah well neither do I but I do more than she does. I. go to the store.....and the movies. I know how trivial that sounds.

And some days I'm not all that depressed. It's lessened. Believe it or not I do write about a variety of topics/don't always bitch.

This literally just occured to me: I [again] hope I don't end up like her. Since I already have depression. I know that's not for a long way off.

And maybe. this'll change how I think about dance. I love dance. I love doing it and I love watching it. And I'm pretty good at it. She taught ballet for 30 some years. It's so beautiful. and controlled. The last time I danced was the last time I went clubbing. and we all know how that turned out. The last time I took dance was in college.

it's charming, ballet.

mybe..........i had a better way to explain this.

You know. once my grandmother and I were discussing her loss of things. Her ex husband died around this time last year....she moved. She's well. she's 85.

and she's depressed which i'm sure doesn't help matters. No in fact I know it doesn't.

She has cognition problems. which basically means she doeosn't understand why she can't say certain things. and she may never.

yeah. i get that.

doesn't stop me from not liking it. Looking at that as fact is easier. but as we all know. i don't go by fact.

Now there are certain things I don't understand. but the difference between myself and her is. quite simply, i'm not selfish. now everyone can be a little selfish at times.

I get things aren't fair. well. things aren't exactly fair for me either. that doesn't give you an excuse. Like 'oh so these things were taken from me so I'll be mean'.

not exactly a way to win people

but maybe she doesn't want to.

I get it but I don't like it. though i'm not currently liking much of anything.

That's actually precisely why I'm this nice. is because I do get it.

and things haven't ever been fair. does that mean i'm a bitch? hell no.'

'28th

yes, as in. of the opera. Relationships. Basically another one of those frekin long entries. Worrisome. Dark. TW

I really hadn't planned to write about me today. I actually hadn't thought about me in great detail. This isn't a conscious decision. I just hadn't. hadn't wanted to. still don't, not really.

*Worrisome

So I'm depressed. [yeah like that's new]. I mean, my depression's become evident. very. evident. I'm not depressed because I don't have goals. I'm depressed because I don't have hope. well that's honest enough. And if you don't like it then don't read.

Well that, and god am I drained. see this is why being overwhelmed isn't good for me. because then i get. as said. like this. but i don't want the world to stop overwhelming me because well. that'd be stupid. After all. the world always comes first. always.

don't stop doing what you're doing just because of me

unless it's being mean in which case yeah, stop.

And the hope I don't have is my grandmother. she's here but sad thing is the only thing that's really helping her right now are those damn pills. they're doing more for her than i am. now as i've stated time and time again I don't want to visit her. [which means i won't be able to help her. yes i know it's a contradiction]. well no not if she's going to be like that! and i don't know anyone who would.

the pills mean more to her than i do

yeah. you'd be pretty damn depressed too.

hence the 'sittin on the dock of the bay'.

worrisome bit end

So. Relationship news. no I'm not in a relationship. And the other day I wondered just how good all this isolation was/is for me. [well obviously it's not if I'm depressed]. but I don't want to be in a relationship right now. and see, i'm a flirt so whenever i hang out w/ guys and flirt it heads that direction.

Jacob, according to his FB, is been drinking. now idk if it's because of me or.......not. if not then that sucks. i want to believe it is. but what we want to believe and what's real aren't always the same thing.

'course. prolly doesn't help that i've spent the past few unwritten days thinking of being depressed. [no, really now?]. yes i'm apparently redundant now too.

I've also relapsed. not that that's new.........it's become evident. it's easier just to not deal with food. when i have all this other crap going on. it's too much effort to microwave pasta. yes. that's too much effort. god that's trivial. it actually kindof makes me laugh.

I haven't eaten an actual meal in days. I know I "have" to eat eventually I'm not stupid [no well clearly not. stupid, no but i don't always make the best decisions as we all know]. [well ok i could always. not. but then ya end up like Karen Carpenter].

my body hates me right now. we're raging a war. for the first time in what seems like forever. Thing is. your body wants you to live even if your head doesn't. it's managed to outsmart me. damnit.

sometimes, scary as this isto admit [wow this is a dark entry], my only goal is to make it somewhere without falling.

So.........and. you can only cling to things so long distract yourself so long untill it stops working.

Look. If you don't want me to bitch then you shouldn't've started reading this.

And I bring this up because.........the other day [Friday] my friend's words meant a lot to me. He was a guy I went to boarding school with. He looks scary [least he did back then] but he's actually really nice. Also one of the funniest people I know. anyway long story short I remarked on his FB status saying something along the lines of how breakups suck to which he replies something like 'yeah i know it sucks but ya just gotta keep on t ruckin'. just. wow. now we don't talk but that meant a lot to me.

And then a friend of a friend's [cuz that's how FB is] goes on my staus 'i hope your day gets better!'. well thankks hun me too. but see that's the thing w/ depression. is that it's not just a bad day or moment or whatever. it's so much more than that. i thought everyone knew i had depression but apparently not.

I have depression. Have had it since I was 13 but wasn't diagnosed untill age 15.

[for those who still are unaware].

And for the past few days, his [my friend's] words are all I've had to cling to. and so yeah maybe I'm putting him on a pedastol here but. fuking let me.

However........that staus didn't go so well for me. er. what I mean is.......

my sister got involved. She commented asking what was wrong. sweet of her to do so. I commented back saying I was going through a difficult time [understatement there] nothin personal but I didn't want to talk about it.

that's..........um. honest.

I'm honest but I'm not open. there.........yeah..........yeah that's a good way to put it.

Well. it is personal and it isn't. Kate, as I'm sure I've mentioned, is a bit judgemental. tells me how to live my life. she has in the past, anyway. and even if she won't now she could still tell Mom, so. and therefore I'm paranoid now of what I post on FB. [as you can tell I don't trust too many people completely. actually i can count on 1 hand the # of people i trust completely].

So..........yeah.

btw i'd talk to her about this but we don't talk about such things in our family. I don't want to hear it.

Anyway moving on.

Speaking of depression I've one more thing to add. the nights have gotten lonelier. longer.

[almost done here. thank you for sticking w/ me thus far]

so. him. by whom i mean Michael.

It rained very early this. uh..........morning. [9:40 a.m. atm]. while I was out. the rain reminds me of how old the world really is. when it rains it's transformed. No no sorry. It had rained so it smelled like rain. wet and........watery. i love water. [and yet i'm living in CO where we don't have a lot of it]. it reminded me of him. not as in Michael. as in.........this spirt we encounted in my dream. see. the spirt was the fiancee of a young woman. and the guy was Michael's. [spirit that is]. But, legend has it, the guy died.

it was raining the night he died

which is how the aforementioned weather reminds/ed me of Michael. i wonder if it always will.

and then it snowed for like a literal minute. and then about an hour and 20 mins ago it did the same. He [Michael] loves the snow. this morning was not off to a great start. i've yet to sleep. was up at 4:07 yesterday afternoon and it's now almost 10. [a.m. although i don't think that really needs to be stated].

god am i knackered

alrite last topic. Phantom.

just started listening to the movie soundtrack. bought it years ago. forgt how much i love it. and the movie and the show oh god the show's incredible. yes it's dark but that's precisely why i've been listening to it for the past hour. is because it's dark. the music is sweeping and haunting and beautiful. and, sad. i like how they've mixed rock in w/ classic theater. interesting. t's so amazing.the show is breathtaking. 'Masquerade', upon first listen, is a celebratory song but the undertones are sad and disturbing.

i'm a little emotionally hungover'

'31st

.....love her.

in the words of the Beatles.

well not love not in that sense of the word. As a friend, yes. But not....we're not there yet.

Yes you read that right. Her. [don't we move fast? well yes].

So. sigh. Today was emotional. funny and sad and. rooted. but more on that later.

Apparently Jacob's moving. To where I don't know. And I don't particularly care long as it's not here. not that there's anything, er. "wrong" w/ CO but he's not welcome in my life anymore no not really. It's more a shock than anything.

See, there's someone else I like. [but you're barely getting over this breakup......] no we're not. involved. but we def. have feelings for each other. A friend.

Here's the thing: do I want to be in a relationship? well yeah part of me does. because I miss it. And physically oh hell yeah. [as if that's not obvious enough by now]. I know you can have sex - it doesn't even have to be sex! - w/o being in a relationship.

And they say don't be in a relationship just because you miss it. And I now finally get why. Because then you're pushing yourself into something you're not ready for. And I'm not ready. Sure on the surface it's so easy to say well yeah I'ma go on a date this coming Friday.

but life isn't measured by surfaces. ya know?

[or maybe you don't]

It's like diving: when you dive you. you know, actually go deep. in that way life's like an ocean. If you intend to dive you're not going to sit on the shore and go 'yeah...i think i'm going to sit here for the day'.

And I want a relationship. I don't want fuking [well i mean i do but....] I don't want just one date.

And therein lies the problem of availability. The other reason I'm not in a relationship right now is because everyone's busy with school/work. Except for me. so.

I want love. [really? i've wanted that since high school given what I didn't get from my dad. no he......it's just. he doesn't show it] I want romance. remember that? nowadays it's all about fuking. yeah whatever happened to that?

it died with all the other values of the '40's.

I want Nat King Cole. love........I want Sleeping Beauty love. I want fairytale love. hollywood. love.

wait I had that and then he broke my heart. and who knows how long it'll take me to get over this?

But I don't want to wait! I want to be in the After. but in order to get to the After you have to be in the During. and I'm def. not liking the During.

So, there's one confliction. I want love/a relationship but I'm not ready for it. And with my friend [since when I fall I fall really quickly] I care about her way too much to ever be in a relationship with her. And maybe that's part of it.........is because I do know her and she is way cool and we do know each other's shit. and. there's not a whole lot of explaining to do.

I care about her too much to ever break her like that

We've discussed this and decided it's for the best.

[and she's not local. yeah so what else is new. when have i ever fallen for someone who's local. oh wait last summer]

I don't like deepening.

ok there was more to this........um...........something about conflictions........

oh!

And then there's the whole.........body/head debate. That's Confliction #2. I still don't want to be here. [omygod freak out. calm down yall. I didn't say I was going to do anything about this. I just said I didn't want to. There's a difference]. If you don't like it then don't read. your body wants you to live even if your head doesn't. And it will do everything it can to make sure you do.

untill you get to a certain age.

See. Before this time last year I actually didn't mind it. And then.........w/ all that crap w/ Michael and my grandmother and my grandfather dying. yeah. you'd not want to be here either.

See [yes again] I've been through therapy. years and years of it. do I need it still? oh probably. but i'm pretty good at self-analysing, so. it's not for me. it's very isolating.

and, like i said. self-analysing. i don't need a therapist if i already self-analyse.

i don't want to work through shit. i want to get away from it.

And I'm not allowing for notes because. I don't want to hear it, frankly.'

'oh good more depressing news. I warned yall within the first sentence of this entry. unlike the others.

Sorry to depress yall but when I feel I feel it wholy. When I'm depressed it's fully. When I love it's fully. When I feel I feel everything to the depths of my soul. I'm a very very emotional profound person.

In the words of Idina [Menzel], 'i love till it hurts like crazy'.

It's better, really. that she and aren't involved. I don't want to break her like that. Ever. If she weren't so damn cool then I wouldn't've fallen for her. but she is. then again. if she weren't so damn cool we wouldn't've become friends.

But I want to be. yeah so maybe I'm not ready. see the........the thing about relationships is that once you're in them and then out of them and then you get your heart broken and you find out who said person really is. And I don't want her to become that person. again, ever. I don't want her to become the ex I never talk to the ex who's not welcome in my life. To clarify, I'm not in love.

Maybe we should all stop placing people on pedastols. But is that really worth happiness? yes. [As in, because you place someone on a pedstrol. er. Because they make you happy you place them on one].

Maybe no one's ever who we think they are.

you can call me a cynic for thinking this way and i won't deny it because i know i am

but god it kills me

That's not the only thing 'killing' me right now. as it were. It's also my grandmother. [yes this again]. She used to be unselfish. yeah when i was little. I was thinking about this when I was rearranging my CDs the other day. [no correlation between the 2, really]. In being selfish she's taken away who she was. we used to go to shows and ballets..........'course, I used to bake w/ my mom's mom too. however. she's not selfish.

you can't kill somebody like this. no. ok?

but i can't say a damn word'

'in the words of Bon Jovi. A 2 part entry.

And now for some slightly less depressing news. You'll all be glad to know. Yes I said slightly, less depressing. [oh thank god].

First, on the concept of livin on a prayer.

[oh, and books. and food].

We all gotta live on a prayer some times. And not in the religious sense. We all gotta find that..........that something. or someone. Even if it does mean putting someone on a pedstrol. [pedastrol the fuk? like that's a word. sry typo]. Pedastol*. that thimble that thin line.

Again going back to one of the few things I know for sure. You have got to believe in something. I do not care what it is.

Part 2

Spring is coming! [there'll be more on this]. [i almost forgot how excited I was with all my......being. depressed]. So this spring I'll be helping my mom in her garden up at the Botanic Gardens here in Denver. She has a little plot. We'll be planting carrots and potatos and other. stuff. [my mom couldn't think too well when she told me this lol]. I'd love to planytflowers, orchids and roses. I've a thing for both lately. I'm pretty sure that roses grow on......bushes. not sure about orchids though. also both those aren't very practical. [whereas vegetables are]. I'm actually really bad with plants [ha no kidding that's why all of mine have. erm. died] but it's easier when it's with someone. when I'm planting them with someone. That way, they remind me. My mom's going to go to the garden twice a week. I'll go at least once.

My mom was the one who taught me how to plant. Kate and I were FBing the other week and I told her she could help with the garden. She's coming May 18. Mom's concert's the 22nd they leave the next day for Europe. 'they' being my parents. [still have to write about her last entry. dear lord am I behind. i sound like my mom awww we must be related. lol]. Kate's not too good with watering. Ha, me either.

And I'd teach my sister how to plant just like Mom taught me. not that Kate doesn't already know......that's beside the point.

[oooh or camellias. I just recently learned about them from a Martha Stewart Living magazine. they're the flowers that look like roses but aren't. what? well it's new/s to me, anyway].

So I finished my current Kristin Hannah book, Mystic.......something. it was really good. all her books are. I related to the characters.

Oh and Beastly. I. loved that. it's been a long time since I've read a romance. i don't usually. it was so romantic and sweet and just. aww swoon. The last romance I read was..........hm probably.........Time Traveler's Wife which I also absolutely loved. oh and Twilight.

So I learned from Beastly that the roses you see in the store are different from the ones. grown. er ok the ones in the store are grown. well pardon me for being redundant. I meant......they look different. Like, on rosebushes there'r a bunch on one bush. as opposed to in the store where there's just one.

I'm thinkin of writing more on my Beastly inspired story the one I posted a few weeks back. entitled 'he's not worthy of her white rose and yet she plucks his orchid'. I don't usually do that.

So......food. well I've been eating. kindof. burritos yum. i mean clearly that's not a lot. but. idinno.'

'More on spring. [yes another'good-news' entry]

So yesterday while at the Panera drive-through, across the way my mom and I saw a nesting goose. She was on the driveway in front of a building which wasn't a good place for her to be. She was gorgeous. well. most geese are. i'm learning not to be so afraid of them. She was all full and gorgeous and maybe pregnant though I don't know what nesting means in geese terms. and fat. I don't mean that in a bad way.

She looked like a comfortable goose......like if you were a younger goose and wanted some wonderful goose to lean against.

sorry. I just, love animals. [here i am trying to personify a goose]

I hope she found a better place to nest. Are animals aware of that? Also, do they have sexualities? Or is it more love the one you're with/let's just have sex kindof deal?

I always wish animals - and people - well. But this entry is much more than simplistic.

Oh! So speaking of nesting..........on the 25th my friend Lucas [who I know from high school], his wife Clara had their baby. Odis Michael. Lucas posted this via FB. I could feel his happiness. and I was crying when I read that. wow. how. amazing.

See the world needs that right now............[oh. yeah. not only do I read people very well. also places]. the world needs full and love and growth. It's not 'oh it's spring so it's going to happen any how]. No. It's deeper than that.

and when I saw that goose that's why I hope she's ok. So that she could bring this her. er........goslings* into the world. her full.ness.

Also yesterday. we went to Wash Park. [more on that later. maybe]. We parked across one of the streets from the park. [it's a fairly large park, so]. And right by the car were 2 small rosebushes. They didn't have roses on them. the bushes [well. they weren't really bushes just stems w/ thorns sinc e they weren't. um. bushy and full] looked empty. incompletet. without the roses.

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<< : in the midst of all this livin on a prayer weighing heavily : >>

<< miss fat goose. and what the world needs. Thursday, March 31, 2011

More on spring. [yes another'good-news' entry]

She looked like a comfortable goose......like if you were a younger goose and wanted some wonderful goose to lean against.

sorry. I just, love animals. [here i am trying to personify a goose]

I hope she found a better place to nest. Are animals aware of that? Also, do they have sexualities? Or is it more love the one you're with/let's just have sex kindof deal?

I always wish animals - and people - well. But this entry is much more than simplistic.

and when I saw that goose that's why I hope she's ok. So that she could bring this her. er........goslings* into the world. her full.ness.

I'm not too sure how to explain this........thing, of this entry being more than simplistic. I don't know what the more would be. to be honest [what a weird saying. i wouldn't lie to yall]. I don't know what the depth is.

The world's a bit sad right now. that's why I thanked Lucas in my FB status. because he and Clara they brought so much. more into the world. We've not talked in years but.........idinno. what my point was there. I know I have one.......

it's not just me that's sad. it's the world.

[Random Side Note: in tarot, the moon represents the mother, the sun, the father. makes sense since the full moon's round and, er, full. and 'pregnant']' '

'"a burden is less when shared by 2"

I don't know who said that but it definately fits.

Hey yall,

I need you to please do something for me, something small but meaningful. I rarely ask for this. My friend Heather's uncle [who's 49] is going into hospice. Now my grandmother's been in hospice for the last........what, 2 years? And you've been all reading my updates on that.

I know you don't know her but you do know me. So please, keep him in your thoughts. and/or prayers. or. whatever it is. As with my grandmother the best we can hope for is that they go peacefully.

However I can help people.

Thank you

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nothispenelope

March in The Wonderland Years: 2011: entries, 1/2 done

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