We broke up almost 5 years ago, but we never stopped seeing each other. I know it’s not healthy, and I now know that he doesn’t want what I want. But it’s like an addiction and small spark of hope remains.
We’ve gotten into a habit of taking each other out for really nice, high-end dinners for each other’s birthdays. His birthday was last week, so I took him out last night. As usual he screwed up timing and was going to be about 40min late - luckily I called the restaurant and was able to make our reservation a little later.
We had a wonderful time at the restaurant, catching up on whatever has gone on over the past few weeks. His life has been crazy with his parents’ health, and traveling back and forth to see them (and having to take weeks off from work to do so). But we also talked about fun, lovely things… it was so nice with the laughs and smiles and good food and wine.
Afterwards (when we were effectively told that people were waiting for our table!), we decided to walk. My walking is so much better since my surgery. I asked him if he wanted to go anywhere (there are plenty of nearby places to go for another drink, etc), but we decided to just walk. I put my hand on his elbow, and he put out his elbow for me to hold on to as we walked together.
He used to do that a lot when we were dating - it’s like a natural instinct for him. But more recently, perhaps even towards the end of our relationship, he used to walk ahead of me, walk much faster than I could keep up (or i would struggle to keep up). But last night? Last night we walked together with our arms connected, strolling down the Avenue.
We talked more, watching all of the activity on the Avenue around us. He seemed to enjoy what my neighborhood has grown into - moreso than he ever mentioned before. And we talked about what is going on in Spain (I had no idea!). We walked the entire length of the Avenue until we were only a couple blocks from my home. So, he walked me home (at least that is where I directed our walking to).
When we got there, we decided to say our goodbyes and praise seeing each other and the nice evening we had. Typically with us it is hugs (hugs a lot stronger and longer from me than him), and then maybe a peck of a kiss before walking away. Last night was not unusual in that regard. I asked if he would like to come in… it was getting late, but not all THAT late. He said, “We both know what would happen if I came in, so I should just go home.” (His eyes spending a good amount of time between my eyes and my breasts....) But he has been in my house a number of times since we have broken up, and it has never lead to much of anything other than the same hugs and peck....
Except.... yes, that one time. It was about 6 months ago - he cradled my face in both of his hands and pulled me in to kiss me. Not just a peck but a real kiss… that same kiss that I had missed and had been hoping for again for years. And then he left, and we never mentioned it, pretending it didn’t happen.... until in a conversation a couple months later I spoke about a dream I had about him, and he made it sound like we had broken up ages ago and we are way past that.... so i brought it up. (sadly all this over text!) he didn’t respond. I actually swore to start dating again, or at least get myself back out there after all of that!!! But....
It seems we are still on the edge of something that could still be “something”.... However, it is clearly not enough for us to be an “us.” Being with him and having evenings like last night is why I still hold on. And maybe I hope that we will someday cross that line again.... But in reality, I should really (finally) move on.
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