I’m out West, and my phone just dinged with an alert about a Facebook message. My Pavlovian response was to think it was you, even though - time zone difference - it’s way past the point when I know you are probably in bed. Then I think, no it’s a weekend night, not in bed, probably up/out with your husband.
It was some asshole with some passive-aggressive comment wondering why I haven’t done something to promote his thing. I’m not clicking on my messenger mailbox so that it hopefully shows him I haven’t read it yet. And I regret being Facebook friends with professional contacts/acquaintances I dislike. And in many moments, I get pissed off by hearing from anyone else when I want to hear from you.
Why am I doing this? Will I keep it up? I don’t know. You used to talk about how you talked to me in your head all day long. Same. And I’ve been frustrated and self-conscious about talking too much or sharing too much or bugging you too much over messenger. You’re busy with professional responsibilities, and household tasks, and friends who need you. And to be honest, I’m mortified about the possibility that I might yammer on sometime when you are busy with … that other person. I’m getting a crazy deja vu right now. Probably from a combination of past attempts to explain things to you in writing, and the crazy role reversal situation that has happened in our experience together.
I don’t know if it’s a good or horrible idea, but I thought maybe I’d just write whatever I want here. Maybe it’s to mitigate my loneliness. Maybe it’s a way to share in a way that leaves it up to you to read on your own timetable and terms, if at all, rather than me bugging you when you aren’t in a position to engage.
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