I’ve been going through old journals, and thinking about how my life turned into what it is now.
I came across my words from 10 years ago, talking about how I used to have so many friends, and that things are changing and I don’t feel like I can depend on close friends anymore. And/or that some friends don’t really act like friends, and that I should (finally) let them go.
However, I also spoke about isolation and fear of it. I spoke about a day when I was much younger, where I could pick up the phone and call one of a number of friends to talk. Back then, before text or widespread email, we’d call each other and spend hours on the phone. Even 10 years ago, I expressed how I didn’t feel like I could just call someone out of the blue and talk about “things” anymore.
Now seems worse - many of those “friends” from back in the day have dropped off… either I gave up on our friendship or they gave up on me. And other friends have since gotten married, had kids, moved away, etc. That’s not to say that they aren’t “friends” anymore. It’s just that their priorities have changed and meeting for happy hour weekly (or even monthly) doesn’t really happen. And, frankly, I haven’t made new friends other than at-work “friends” in a long time.
I have become isolated. I am somehow isolated in a city - and trying to prevent isolation is a major reason i live in a city. Granted, I talk to neighbors… and occasionally we say that we should grab a drink! but it never happens. And there are other people I know who I say we should get together… but that never happens either.
But I’m wondering how this has happened, and looking back, I do not think I’ve ever wanted to belong to anything…
Even when I was young, my friends were typically the “outcasts”.... no, not the overly weird an antisocial ones… just the ones that were a little weird. The ones that looked like (and I believe felt like) they didn’t fit in. It would always be those people I’ve befriend. And somehow the minute things turned into a “group,” I would retreat.
I remember parties that I would (occasionally, but more rarely…) throw, where the attendance would be a random 2-3 people I knew from different places.
I know I am more comfortable among 1-3 people than I am in larger groups. In larger groups or parties (except in the case of my own invite list), I would hardly talk to people. I would watch people and conversations. And then maybe I would talk to someone in the corner not talking to anyone else. And especially when I was young, I would make sure people were “safe” in the drinking environment, at an age when my friends would not necessarily act wise with alcohol.
What is wrong with groups? What do I not like about them? People typically act different in groups than as individuals (or small groups). Also, typically there are 1-2 bad apples in any group - and I particularly dislike those who hog conversation or cut people off to talk about their personal whatevers (that they deem more important than everyone else’s). There are a few friends I have now (who I rarely see), and they are friends with some of these type of people. I go to these friends’ parties when invited, but I typically dread it, since I need to deal with these others. I normally don’t talk much - I eat and drink, nod and smile, and then I politely say I have to go after a few hours.
I know this has contributed to my isolation. Maybe I have gotten much more picky as to the people I want to spend time with? I have also realized that I expect more out of a friend than my “friends” are capable of. Those who I wrote of from 10 years ago… they were people who I did not feel acted like friends to me. I could not depend on them. In truth, I wanted them to be like “family” (not that my family has often acted like family…). I’ve always wanted people (someone?) in my life that I could really depend on. Looking back, I’ve never had that. I don’t depend on people (or try to) anymore. I don’t ask for favors very often. And if I do ask for something, typically it is a pretty large need, but I have already worked out back-up plans where I do not need anyone.
Back to the “outcasts” as friends concept - Most recently I was employed at a company where i was lower management. There was a bunch of us lower management who had no control over our work-life. Upper management was pretty poor, and we all got depressed about our situation. Somehow I became friends (or at least friendly) with most of these people. But I resolved these people to “work friends” rather than friend-friends. Aside from 2 of them, I never saw or spoke to them outside of work, with rare exception. And I never spent time with any of them as a group (I tried 2 happy hours over the course of 6 years, and it just wasn’t for me). One on one was good/ fine. But not more than that. And for the holiday parties, I would normally find myself in a group of 1-2 of my coworkers (and maybe their spouses) rather than enjoying the large group. I even dated one of these individuals. He was surely an outcast among the company - lower management that was further an outcast. Interestingly, outside of work he seems to have a lot of friends… but when I dated him, I never met that side of his life. I only knew him one-on-one and in work, where he did not belong.
About 10 months ago I left this company for a start-up, where they act like everyone is “family”. Well, that’s what they say, anyway. And truthfully, it makes me uncomfortable. (although they have been nice and great - why do I feel this way?)
The only thing I can conclude from all of this… I do not want to belong. Some people strive and I believe it is a natural human desire to belong. Somehow I do not have that desire or want.
This may also be a reason why I am single. I recall some guys being VERY into me. And regardless of who they were, it would make me be skeptical and/or run away. So I am into guys who are only “sorta” into me? What is wrong with me?? Once again, perhaps I do not really want to belong.
Am I afraid of depending on someone and them letting me down? That would be the easy psychological answer. But I do not think that is right.
I believe somehow I am relating “belonging” to being shut down, controlled, my privacy invaded. I don’t even have anything all that private to protect!
I recall a few years ago trying “meetups”. There was a dining-out group that I enjoyed, and I started to become friends with one of the individuals… until I decided that she was a right-wing nutcase. And then I joined a different group where people seemed to go to every meetup, every week. I went to 1-2 a month. Although initially they seemed welcoming, it seemed that with my sparse attendance, over time I felt less welcome. Many people would show up to many meetups just to be around other people. I would only show up to the ones that were around things I really wanted to do and/or were convenient in my calendar. After a couple times where I did not really feel welcome, I stopped going.
Plus, I have realized, if I am not really meeting a friend, how does anyone know or care if I show up? Going by one’s self, does it make a difference to anyone else? Nope. It only makes a difference to me.
After thinking about all of this during the summer, I somewhat made a “plan” to be more social and make more meaning out of my life. Things I planned on doing: volunteering, joining a choir, calling and meeting up with older friends (and work friends from my old place), testing out new meetups, checking out thursday night Jazz at a local wine-tasting place, going to random happy hours, going to musical performances.
None of the above has happened. In fact, for today, I was planning to do a volunteering event. I had it on my calendar, I set my alarm, and as of last night I was ready to go! This morning, I thought about the large groups (including kids) that would be there. I thought about how no one would be expecting me or care if i didn’t show up. I thought about the drive to get there and the current ugly weather. I thought about how tired I was and noticed a stomach ache.
Yet, I showered and got dressed (after hitting the snooze bar a couple times).
After I got dressed, I felt achy. And I remembered that the volunteering event would mean me carrying heavy boxes. Given that and the large groups and the other unknowns.... I never left my house.
Truthfully, I am lazy. Or have become lazy? I don’t do much, and find it more comfortable to be home than go out. And if no one really expects me somewhere, it is just as easy to stay at home. But it is not like I have a lot to do at home… well, I guess there is always something that could be done at home. I just don’t actually do it!
TO make up for me not going to the volunteer event today, I am writing here. ....finally getting down my thoughts in regards to all of this (something I have been meaning to do for weeks). In fact, making an account here was part of my plan to be more social and give more meaning to my life! Yet, look how rarely I have written something!
I also have a plan to text a couple of former work “friends” and see how they are and if they want to get together. There is a happy hour I can go to on tuesday, but will I actually go??
And next week one of my friends is having a get-together, but looks like some of those less-than-optimal folks will also be attending. I will go, but who knows how long I will be there and if i will enjoy myself.
I am in a rut and need more to my life. But truthfully, this life is my making. I wasn’t always this way… meaning avoiding social things. But it was easier when I had friends who were local, single, and also looking for “things to do”. Everyone else seems to have moved on, and I am exactly where I was 10 years ago, but with fewer friends. How does someone move on?
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