Well I don't think about J the way I did last year that is -for sure-, but he still makes it impossible not to think of him, our past, what could have been. . .especially lately. I don't know if it is this time of year or what. It is just weird because it was ALWAYS me chasing him and now how the roles have reversed. He always texts me little "what if's" or what I call the "memory game". Remember when we did this? Remember that one time. ..?
And then yesterday he texted me a picture of the blanket that was mine and he still has. He was saying he is so lonely and sad and tired and misses Washington. He says I am "giving up on Washington" to move across the country and that I should just stay here and find a better job and go to school here. But he doesn't realize, I'm marrying Dave. MARRYING him. Which means I must love him quite a lot. So much that I am actually giving up my Washington dream. My Justin dream. Everything I thought my future would be, trusting that Dave and I will make it and that I will grow to love Massachusetts.
So, anyway, J is coming back to Washington from December 16th (my birthday coincidentally) until the 26th. He wants to hang out, BUT Dave is going to be off the 19th through the 25th. So pretty impossible to find time to drive over to Quilcene. I could be sneaky like I was last time, but I don't know. Part of me just wishes I didn't have these imaginary set of rules forbidding me to do what I was so freely able to do this time last year. But I know it is a small price to pay for the amount of happiness my life with Dave brings to me. I just wish I could say, "Hey I am going to go visit Justin and his family." But we all know that would provoke a fight or simply a laugh in the face and a big Fuck No You Are Not!
What I was -hoping- for was that Andrea and Tyler would be here the same time Justin was. Then Andrea and I could easily go off and do our own thing. Meaning drive up to Quilcene, as is our yearly ritual, and see our old family/friends. Dave and Tyler would be fine going to a bar or doing something while we had our "girl time". But that really doesn't look like it is going to happen. And it's okay. I don't need to go back to Quilcene any time soon.
I know one day I will be back there visiting and both his and my life will be completely different then it is now. And we will be able to have a drink and be civil and not want to get into each other's pants. That time just isn't now.
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