Today at work I got called in to Personal and was told I needed to work a 2 to 11 tomorrow so there goes my huskie plans. I was disappointed, but I do need the hours. I had to tell Matt that it was a no game for me, and of course he tried to talk me into still calling out and of course I thought about it, but I need these hours this week and I need to save for rent. So blowing dough on the game and booze and ditching work would not be the best move for me. Well when you walk into the deli, the door is right between the deli and the bakery so you always see bakery people. Matt and April were standing there and she turns to me and yells "Aw too bad you have to miss the game tomorrow, I was just telling Matt how it is so obvious you have the biggest crush on him". AWKWARD. Ugh I hate that stupid bitch. I just laughed it off and hoped to god my face was not bright red. I hope he DOES NOT think that. That is all I need.
I hate being alone here at the apartment. I have this itch that needs to be scratched. I wish I could just go out and hang out with friends, get drunk, have random adventures. I texted Justin and we are chatting right now. He always says something that just makes me go suddenly weak and tear up and want to fall to the ground and all I can think about is this fucking power he has over me and wonder will it ever go away? John says I need to start really thinking about him as some fictional character in my life and STOP contacting him. But I can't. I always wonder, what if I didn't have this strong force in my life always drawing me to him at inconvenient times? Would I be happier? I don't know, but I can imagine I would. And it's like he always feeds me something really sweet and loving and then makes sure to throw something really horrible and mean at me right afterwards. It is some sick and twisted relationship we have with each other and I wonder what Dr. Phil would say about it.
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