It is very hard for me to look at pictures of me as a child and remember those times. Not because they were bad, but because they were very good and those times are no longer with me. The people I knew and loved are now deceased. The family members I was so close to as a child are now so far away from me. Family gatherings were a big thing in my childhood, and now they are very few and far between with the members that are still alive.
When I see photographs, I get angry because I feel the lump in my throat and the tears starting to form. I get angry because I don't want to be reminded of those times and feel the feelings start to form inside me. I can't talk about it with anyone because I will burst out crying. Sometimes when I am by myself, I try to think about things from my past. I visualize Grandma and Papa's house in Rancho Santa Margarita. I remember every little detail from the fake plant they had on the stairs to the plastic outlit covers that were in the drawer with all of their checkbooks and important paperwork. I feel like it is very important for me to remember every detail of that house especially because it was a very meaningful time in my life and I miss my grandparents so much. It helps me feel closer to them, but at the same time it makes me very very depressed that they are no longer with me and I will never see that house the way I knew it again.
I look at photographs of myself as a child and I see a happy, smart, loved, confident little girl. And when I look into the mirror now, I see something very disappointing. I try to block out these thoughts because they really hurt. But sometimes it is hard to keep them all bottled in, without anyone to share them with.
The person in the mirror is not happy with who she has become and she wants to go back and find the person she used to be. She wants to go back to when her family loved and cared about her. Back when she had her grandparents, who were sane and treated her like a princess.
But of course that can't happen. Instead I hide from anything that reminds me of my childhood. I refuse to watch any classic Disney movie, go to Disneyland, or even the beach. I don't want anything that will trigger this feeling. And I hate hate hate those photographs.
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