Why I Love This Community in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

My last entry was the most noted entry I’ve had in a while. And that helps in ways that writing just can’t. Because… even though I’ve probably said it… even if I speak the words a thousand times; having someone else help me get there makes a difference. It is the same psychology that has my wife wonder why I try to do for others and not myself. I’m just… I may spend a lot of time being introspective but that introspection has not resulted in respect of self. So, if I have a thought independent of outside stimulus… I’m as likely to blow it off as anything.

But the discussions I was able to have with noters based on that last entry? It really helped me figure it out. And it isn’t profound. It is something I’ve even mentioned and discussed with people before about these very same issues. But it is still important, more meaningful to me… when it comes about through discussion.

Clearly… the issue that exists in spades is… I’m drained. I can’t deal with my issues and wife’s issues at the same time. So… my own emotional well being is beaten up. My job, tough as it is, is pretty standard in the field of First Year Associates. So… yeah. First Year Associates break, they snap, they are asked to work unimaginable hours for piss-poor wages. But if they survive that crucible… if they get established… then good things can happen. And it is (or should be) apparent to me that such a path is already being contemplated as independently, both of my bosses have mentioned trying to get me to be “more than a cog” or “a founding player of something bigger” or even the word partner was mentioned. So… yeah. They want me to bust my ass horribly this year so that, hopefully, we can all see some payoff.

But that doesn’t leave me with a lot for my Wife. And when my Wife is going through “the worst year of her life”… and has been going through “the worst year of her life” every year for the past 6 years… that plays a big part of things. And I’ll admit… I take the blame more than I should. I apologized for her “terrible, no good, horrible time” in Omaha… because I was the one that moved us there. I apologized for her “terrible, no good, horrible time” in Tiny Town… because I was the one that moved us there. But… I moved us exactly to the place she has said she wanted to get to. Since we left the Des Moines Metro area… she has said we need to come back. And we have. I have brought us back to the Des Moines Metro Area. And not only aren’t things better; but they are worse than ever. So… yeah. The only thing left to apologize to her about is that (1) I am not making enough money and/or (2) I am not spending enough time with her… or (as she points out) helping around the house.... or (as she points out) exercising and losing weight. So… the only things left to apologize to her about for her situation being “worse than ever” are… elements of my job that are standard practice. And the only reason those are such a big problem is because by not making “enough” money… I’m “forcing her to continue working.”

I hope that her therapy helps. I hope that she gets out of this ever deepening depression. But at the same time… I can’t help but note that it all correlates to the time period of our marriage. Before? Our relationship wasn’t perfect, and we both wanted to work towards becoming more than we were. But 2012 started a five year slump that has landed her here.... “worst ever” emotional place. Is it narcissistic to worry about that fact?