5:19pm
It was been crazy busy today at work! So I’m taking a self-imposed rest break. It’ll help to get words out of my head anyway.
I only have like a handful of clients that I work with during the off-season and for some reason they all decided to need me the exact same day. Almost at the exact same time! I had just gotten out of the bathroom and I had a client already waiting at a desk for me. But the phone rang so I went to answer it and it was JR. As I was talking to him, his dad walked in with more paperwork. Then on the other line another client was calling to ask if the paperwork he needed was ready. AHHHHHH!
I’ve pretty much been working non-stop, on one thing or another, since I got in at 11:30 today. I actually just walked away from this to talk to a client that walked in because we’d chatted on the phone earlier about dropping off info. Go away people. [But not really because we need the income and whatever… Also, he had pretty icy blue eyes so he may stay ;]
Anyway, I got my new swimsuits in the mail. They both fit pretty well. One pair of shorts was a little shorter than I’d hoped for but the other is perfect. And cute! I guess I shouldn’t be so damn modest. They’re still shorts and still bigger than a bikini bottom. We’ll see. I’ll take them along anyway and wait to see what my mood’s like. I told Mom I was going to be like those rich girls that wear a different swimsuit every day. =) You can’t have all the pictures lookin’ the same!
You know how I was messaging that client? Well, we went back and forth for a few days. Pretty much exchanging messages every single day. It slowed from multiple times a day to about once a day, on both our parts.
There’s a message sitting there from him untouched though and I realized yesterday that it’s actually from last Friday. Five or six days old and I’m not even bothered enough to open it. Seriously, I haven’t even peeked at anything other than the little intro blurb they show you. My curiosity is not strong enough. Clearly I’m not that interested.
It kinda makes me sad. I mean here’s this guy trying to make friends even after I rejected him for a date and I’m just not into it. I can’t even really figure out if I want to be friends with him even though I know we have a ton in common. I think there are a lot of things we could do together, especially outdoorsy stuff. But nope.
Instead I sit here and dwell on all the people who can’t even be bothered to keep in touch with me let alone want to spend any time with me.
Argh. Let’s start the pity party why don’t we? =| I’m just in a mood.
Part of the reason being:
I wrote all that stuff in the last entry on Monday about how I could see all these signs, and I was doing better, and I was learning to move on, and blah blah blah.
Then we went out to eat and came home to watch a movie. On my way into the kitchen I hear Mom saying, “he got another nine hundred dollars” and I round the corner to see that she received another letter about TF’s case. It had his name all bold right there at the top and she was cc-d on it.
Thanks Universe. Thanks a lot. -_-
That’s the kind of thing that I would have totally read into a few months ago. I would have seen it as some kind of sign or something. But no to that too! It’s stupid. I don’t want anymore signs. I get it world. I GET IT
At work earlier, as I was going through my initial to-do list, Mom called out to ask if I knew TF’s phone number. She didn’t want to go get the file. Initially I said that no I didn’t have it. I’d deleted it from my brain. Then I said, “fine. I know it. I’m good with numbers. --**** But don’t tell him I still know it.”
It’s true though. I am really good with numbers. I have a ton of phone numbers memorized in my mind. Like I can memorize someone’s number after only seeing it a couple of times. Even people I don’t call that often. I have the Sheriff’s number memorized and I didn’t use it for an entire year. It’s not creepy, I swear.
So, anyway, she called him and he answered right away. She told him she needed a copy of the check and I guess he said he had a picture of it but hadn’t been able to send it. She asked if he was ever able to look up the other information we asked for because he never called back. Then I guess he gave her some sob story because I heard her say, “oh you poor baby.” She laughed and then said stuff about understanding and mentioned we were getting close to resolving the entire case and hung up.
She started telling me things about it after she hung up. Of course I’m curious to know all the info regardless. Maybe I shouldn’t be so curious though.
I said a lot of stuff about him and the fact that he has terrible follow through. Stuff about never getting to go to Spain. I wondered aloud why he can’t just bring in the paperwork we ask for. I know for sure that he’s gotten at least 3 letters that he has not brought in. Despite us constantly telling him that he must bring them in asap and not to forget. It’s not that freaken hard. If you don’t want to come in then fax/email/mail/slide it through the door at odd hours. Just do what you’re supposed to do.
As I was saying this she started to tell me about how he said he’s been working a lot. I guess his sob story was that he’s been working a ton of hours, he doesn’t have time for anything anymore, and it’s starting to stress him out.
All I could think was, ”You stupid idiot. I could have been there for you through all of this. I could have taken care of you. I would have kept you healthy, and happy, and sane.”
With the stage I was at I would have done all that and so much more. I wanted to give him the entire world. I was ready to run off, marry him, and never look back.
He didn’t want that though. He didn’t want me. Or, well, he did but not in the way that I needed. Or in any way that matters.
So it seems I’m not over this the way I thought I was. I’m honestly not sure I’ll ever be over it. I had to walk away from the front office and find a quiet space to keep myself from crying. I did tear up in the bathroom, I’m not going to lie. It still stings.
Right after I got out of there is when I found my client already sitting at a desk and the chaos ensued. At least that kept me from thinking about it too much. Then I left work, met my cousin for dinner, and my heart’s been palpitating since about 7 o’clock. :( I’m going in for blood tests tomorrow morning. Sad about fasting, but hoping everything is fine. I have been on the bp meds for almost a month. Not sure they’re working that well, but at least no crazy side effects this time around.
I don’t know about life anymore. I know I’m having a crappy afternoon. It just wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. TF and I were terrible. I know this. There are dozens of entries that document it, but I really did not think it was going to be like this. I still wonder what it’ll be like when we see each other again because there’s still a huge part of me that just wants to fall into his arms. Which is so damn stupid it makes me sad.
rose.
9:22pm
Loading comments...