5:19pm
Lots of thoughts. Having a hard time focusing enough to sit down and type. Too many shiny things, I guess.
Actually, I’m not sure why I’m so hesitant on typing things out these days. No matter the topic. I just can’t seem to get the words out. I keep leaving notes in drafts but even with that I can’t seem to type a real entry up and finish it. Not sure what’s wrong with me?
Let’s get the TF related stuff out of the way:
I was sitting around, like last week or so, and I suddenly had the thought that I’d forgiven TF, and I’d forgiven God, but I had yet to forgive myself.
That was kinda crazy because I hadn’t really even thought about it like that. Clearly I’ve been blaming myself for a lot of this. I recognize that. I’m not really sure why I’ve done it, other than knowing that I’m crazy so some of it was definitely my fault. But I’d never even considered needing to forgive myself in all this. And why not? Of course I need to! If I’ve forgiven them then I should be no exception. I need to forgive myself for taking on what I did and treating myself so poorly through it all. Honestly, I should have forgiven myself first.
I started to see, and think about, TF kinda like that first love that you have. Not that I was in love with him. I wasn’t given the chance to be. That’s not it at all. But it’s probably the closest I’ve ever been. Mostly I just mean it in the sense that he’s like that one you find when you’re too young, or the timing’s off, or the world gets in the way, but you’ll always care about him and think about him. I think that’s what he’s going to be for me.
For a long time I thought that my gut was leading me towards him and then when things didn’t work out I started wondering how I’d ever really trust that gut feeling again in the future. Because it felt so right, and clearly it was not. But now maybe it turns out that my gut was right all along. He was supposed to mean something to me. I was supposed to have that experience with him and I am supposed to be exactly where I’m at today. It was right to lead me down that path. I just couldn’t see that while I was in the midst of it all.
I’m to the point now where I just hope he finds happiness some day. I hope he can find that girl he can love and give his heart to. I know there’s so much in there wanting to come out and she’ll be a lucky freaken girl. If he can just get over himself long enough to let her in. ha.
So, things that also happened the other day at dinner that I didn’t mention. [I was too creeped out about checking out the jailbird…]
While we were sitting there talking something came up about TF. I think because we’d been talking about him at the office earlier. Mom said that she needed to call the guy that’s in charge of his case. She wanted to go in early the next morning to take care of this since he’s out in the central time zone and leaves early. Ok. Fine. I can get up and go. No big deal.
I thought about it though and lightbulb that was probably the 1st time in like a year that it wasn’t my idea. The 1st time that I wasn’t having this internal dialogue where I was quickly trying to find ways to convince her she needed to call. In fact, I wasn’t having any internal dialogue in regards to the situation at all. I was just reacting to the conversation and not thinking anything else. That’s C.R.A.Z.Y. Beyond crazy. It’s kinda a mini-miracle. I’m not sure I thought I’d get to a place like that again.
Not that I’m over the whole thing by any means. I said we’d been talking about him earlier at work right? Well JR was over and he mentioned something about how much he missed living at his old place. I told JR that he could probably convince his gf to move back and then backtracked because it’s currently occupied. Coincidentally by TF. I asked JR if he knew him and he asked if I knew him [yup. no details] and then I told him the whole story about how Mom had once teased TF about living in a barn. I may or may not have tried to figure out how I could get more information out of JR but I let it go. It was too awkward without him knowing how I knew him or making him suspicious. I know how JR is.
So all this was going on and we were talking about TF but not really talking about him. Then JR left and I was about to get back to work when I suddenly had to put my head into my hands and lean down on the desk. I was freaking out!
I tried walking up front to distract myself but it didn’t work. All this stuff was flowing into my mind. Every single memory from the last year. Every touch. Every embrace. Every moment we shared. It all came flooding back in an instant.
I ended up having to walk back to the bathroom. No one else was in the office besides Mom but you never know who will walk in and obviously I didn’t want her to see me either. So I went in and I took a lot of deep breaths. I cried some quick tears knowing I had to walk back into the office. It was tough. I put my head down and continued to breathe in and out and focus on easing the panic. Then I wiped my tears, reminded myself that I am actually okay, and went back out to continue to do my work. And then came the aforementioned dinner thing and I realized I really was fine.
The next day we got up early and I made it to the office by about 10:30 or so. Mom goes “first thing on your list is to find & organize TF’s paperwork” the second after I walked in the door. I made a joke about how he was never first on my list. haha. I’m too cool.
I had some thoughts about the whole thing but it wasn’t a big deal. Surprisingly. I even made some jokes about having a verbal contract with him regarding going to Spain and it was still valid even if we weren’t talking. [Those jokes continued today about her being my witness. She insists he won’t take me. hah.]
She got a little impatient waiting for me to organize and so I just gave her everything and sat at her desk in case she had any questions. I’m pretty well versed in his case, whether I want to be or not. It’s still very confusing though. There’s so much paperwork involved.
We ended up having to call him. She had questions about stuff that happened late last year and early this year and apparently we’d never written things down. It was all in our heads and those memories have faded. It feels like it was just yesterday and yet it feels like years ago. She asked me what his number was and I looked it up on his file. I didn’t even try to do it from memory even though I still know it. I mean it’s still sitting in my phone with 200 some odd texts.
I sat there next to her as she called. He must have answered on like the very last ring. I was surprised when she started talking because I didn’t think he was going to pick up. She said who it was and then I could tell there was some hesitation before she said her name again. And then she started speaking in Spanish. [It always makes me chuckle a little when they do that b/c the only guys that talk to her in Spanish are JR, TF, and the Sheriff.]
To be able to sneak into his brain for just a second. Like I wonder what he thought when he saw the call coming in. Does he still have our number saved? What was he doing? Did he try to find a quiet spot? Did he get nervous? Did he think it would be me? Was he disappointed that it wasn’t? What did he think after he hung up? Did all the memories come flooding back for him too? So many curiosities!
Anyway, they didn’t talk long. She asked for some info but he didn’t have it readily available. I heard her tell him that he could leave us a message if we weren’t around. She told him that we were in and out of the office and not open every day. Then I heard her say something like, “Yes, we were here yesterday. Until 6....We’re usually here 12-6 on Wednesdays.”
I thought it was really interesting that he’d ask that. Wednesdays have been our usual day for a while but I don’t know if he remembers that. I don’t know. It was kinda weird and I’m definitely curious about that. Like did he see us? Was he trying to figure out what days we’re open? Was he going to reach out but didn’t?
Yes, I know it’s pretty silly and pointless to speculate on any of this. I won’t know the answers. I couldn’t really ask Mom about the details of their conversation. She gets all suspicious like JR. hah. I couldn’t hear what he was saying so I only heard her side. The rest was being invented by my imagination.
[sidenote: I emailed the Sheriff back the other day and told him he shouldn’t leave me alone too long with my overactive imagination…hmm…I don’t think I wrote about any of this. I’ll update later w/the story.]
Yeah, so, all that happened. She hung up and we continued with our day. She never got a hold of the case guy so that’s still on hold. We actually went in early again today and she called but still couldn’t reach him. I checked the caller ID and it turns out that TF called us back that same day [Thursday]. We left about 12:30 and I think he called around 2pm. Must have had the info we needed. I don’t know. He didn’t leave a message. I wonder if he’ll call back on Wednesday?
We’ll see. This is super long. For not wanting to write, damn, once I get going I just can’t stop. ha. I had to clear out all the notes. Hit all the points before I lost my motivation. That should be good for now though. Anything else shall come later. I was awake from like 4am until after 7am. Not fun. Must find more ways to get sleep.
rose.
9:54pm
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