4:19pm
Is it bad that I just watched this huge daddy longleg crawl down the sign next to me and I made zero moves to try to kill it? Oh shoot, there it goes climbing back up. I think it’s taunting me. ha. It’s got weird white & black dots on its legs. Kinda cool. Doesn’t look like the regular ones. No, I still haven’t even considered moving the 12 inches to get rid of it. Live and let live, right? =\
Hmm…I actually just looked up a picture and they always look like that. Wow. I guess I’ve never noticed because they’re usually in dark locations and not backlit by the window. Interesting! Learn something new every day!
A lot of somethings apparently because I read through the article I pulled up online and it was quite interesting. Cool.
Anyway, I lost him while I was busy reading so whatever. I had a daddy longleg live in the corner of my room for a long time back in the day. His name was Charlie. My brother still remembers him and mentioned him the other day. haha.
Boy did I get sidetracked today, didn’t I? =]
I need distractions I guess because I’m trying not to overthink the fact that the Sheriff didn’t call. =( Why? Why do these stupid things mean so much to me? Damn it.
I mean, I find it a little rude that he didn’t call, or email, to say thanks for checking up on him. Or at least to let me know he got my message. I shouldn’t be surprised though. He’s kinda terrible about getting back to me. That’s basically what our entire joking ‘relationship’ is about. It’s the reason I always give him such a hard time.
You think he’ll make me wait until next year though? Like he’ll wander in here in April and be like, “oh, hey, thanks for calling after my surgery.” =|
I know I can’t force these things! I can’t make someone want to talk to me. It sucks that he doesn’t want to do it on his own, but whatever. There’s literally nothing I can do about it!
If only I could get my stupid brain to shut up and accept that.
I’ve left work and am home now.
At dinner mom asked if I’d heard back from him and I fake cried and said no. I told her about not leaving my name but that he should have known. It was during our quick exchange that I realized that it’s even worse that he didn’t respond because what if he got stuck in the freaken hospital with complications!? It was supposed to be super minor so I wasn’t worried. I think mom was actually the one that mentioned something about it, which is surprising since I tend to think in worst-case scenario.
Now I have the desire to reach out and be like, “hey, not responding to messages makes people worry something went wrong.” But I already mentioned earlier that I don’t want to push this. I want to do whatever feels right, and this is a good reason to say something, but I just can’t.
Some days I wonder if it’s bad to be so damn proud. There was a thing in church last Sunday about pride and being humble. Honestly I don’t fit much of the true definition of “pride” so maybe that’s not even the word I’m looking for. I don’t know. I’ll just leave it for now.
It’s not even that I’m obsessed with him, or have such a strong desire for him, or anything like that. The reality is that I haven’t made any freaken friends since I moved home and I’m freaken lonely. Seriously. Ck’s the only one that even came close and just as we were starting to hang out he up and moved about as far away as he could while still being in the same country.
That’s so sad to me. I’ve been home for six years and nothing. I don’t meet people. Admittedly that’s my own fault. I’m either at home, at work, or out of town. I feel like I already know everyone in this town. I either went to school with them or I’ve heard stories about them. They are not the kind of people I even want to get to know. So clearly I’m blocking my own path here.
You can understand why I put so much effort into staying connected to someone when I finally think I have a chance though, right? It’s so rare and it’s even worse because of my snarky sense of humor. People don’t always get it and I end up not being my true self. Meeting the Sheriff was like a breath of fresh air. Whoa, a person that actually gets my humor and can play a little give and take! Someone who’s into the same stuff I am. Someone who’s not even from here so I can actually get to know them. Etc. So on and so forth.
That’s the real reason I try so hard, and I have trouble holding back, and I get impatient, and I try to push things. I just want a friend! Geez world! Get on it already! =P
Or at least send me some distractions or something to keep my mind occupied. Please and thank you.
Oh, and world, please try not to send me distractions that end up being creepy.
Let me explain: we went out to dinner right. A family friend’s restaurant the next town over. As we were walking up I noticed a guy sitting by the window. I picked up on him glancing over as I laughed and made a joke with mom. Once I was in the door I didn’t turn around to look back at all.
A few minutes later as we were sitting at our usual table up front he came to pay for his meal. As he passed by I noticed he looked over at us and that he was staring at my shirt. I was wearing my logo work shirt so to me it looked like he was trying to read it. When I noticed, and he’d turned around, I moved my hair out of the way so it was clear. Gotta take advantage of any chances, right?
Our friend, the waitress, happened to come over to take our order. As he waited he was facing us and she said she’d be right with him. He said no problem. I tried not to look over at him too much so I don’t know if he was watching. He definitely could hear everything we were saying. I put some good jokes out there, mostly not on purpose. She went up to help him after she put our order in. He was standing up front for a while. Not long after he’d walked up there some little kids walked to the table of cops across from us and I thought they were with him.
While he waited I noticed he’d turned around, towards the wall and the side where I was sitting, and I looked up and made eye contact a couple times. Decent looking guy. Seemed interested enough to keep glancing over at me, and trying to read my shirt, and whatever. I was interested enough to check for a wedding ring as he turned around to leave. I checked, saw nothing, looked up, and we made eye contact and smiled as he passed. I wanted to turn around as he left but I could still hear the kids.
A couple minutes went by and I glanced back as mom said something about the kids. I asked if that guy was still there and she said the kids weren’t with him. They were with another couple in the back and he’d already left. Whoops. Missed him.
By the time we left I was so curious that I ended up asking our friend if she knew him. I’d heard them talking about something like changing clothes and going somewhere so I knew there was a connection. She said he was local, but she couldn’t remember his name. Then she said he’d been in prison. ! And then she went on to say that the story was that he’d been accused of molesting a girl. ACK!!!
Now I don’t know how old he was and I don’t know if it was like a little girl or a teenager willing to give it up. I don’t know any of the story at all and there’s no way to find out. But I’ll admit to being a bit creeped out that I’d totally checked him out. Enough to check for a ring and ask about him! I never ask about people! I felt compelled to know who he was though. So weird. And crazy. And ick. I won’t judge too harshly since I really know nothing but a rumor, but still. It weirds me out a little. =\
Ok. This got really long. My bad. Note to self: do not leave this open while watching zebra migrations and law & order. I keep finding new things to ramble about. And there’s still more but I’ll save it for another day.
rose.
11:16pm
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