7:29pm
Well, I am currently in the middle of trying to fight off another cold. What’s this, like the third one of the year? What the heck happened to the amazing immune system I had?! Even when I was in school and dealing with all that medical stuff I did not get sick like this. I tried looking back to see when I’d been sick last. I remember it being near the beginning of the year but no search feature means I can’t find the entry. [Also looking back brought me to all those entries about Tf. I only read one but how weird it felt to be on this side of things. It was one of those at the start of Feb after he’d asked me to marry him and wanted to know if I’d considered his proposal. If I’d known then what I know now. sigh] Oh well. All three times it’s started with my lovely mother so I blame her. I don’t know who she’s touching or getting close to but she needs to stop passing it off to me! Even when I spray her down with Lysol I still get sick. =(
This one started a couple days ago, like Thursday, with the whole sore throat thing that’s turned into congestion and running nose. I’m fighting it hard, but it’s in that annoying stage where it’s not a full blown cold [as I literally just stopped to sneeze....] but I’m dealing with all of the symptoms. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’ll disappear just as quickly as it arrived.
I still have plans to call the Sheriff tomorrow and I hope not to be hacking up a lung when I do. It’s ok to admit that I’m a little nervous about this, right? I mean it can’t turn out that bad. As long as he doesn’t ask what I’m wearing it’ll turn out a lot better than the one and only time I called TF for personal reasons. So…yay low standards? hah.
I promise that I really am trying not to overthink this one. I’m trying not to read too far into his words. I realize that I say this pretty much every time and pretty much every time I fail miserably, but I’m trying! That’s what matters.
There are a lot of things working against us. I realized a couple days ago that he reminds me of a younger version of the BBQ guy. The way we laugh, joke, and tease each other is so similar to the way BBQ guy and I interact. It’s this very dry sarcasm and wit. Like listening to him you wouldn’t even think he had a sense of humor. I don’t know. You have to listen to our interactions to know what I’m talking about I guess. It’s just a lot of giving each other a hard time.
Not in the way TF and I gave each other a hard time though. The stuff between TF and I was like this passionate arguing thing we had going on. It never felt as easy going as this although I won’t deny that I enjoyed it.
Anyway, I just want to enjoy this for what it is. I don’t want to push this too hard. We all know I’m terribly impatient, but if I’ve learned anything over the last year it’s that that impatience can get me into a lot of trouble. I need to just take it easy. Follow my own advice to take things slow and steady.
I know that a big part of this is the way I grew up. When you grow up around a lot of death you very quickly understand how short life is. That understanding has lead me to be very impatient in waiting for my life to happen. I keep trying to rush it to get what I want because I don’t know how long it’s going to last. I don’t know if I’ll miss out on the opportunity I see in front of me so I push really hard to try to get it. That’s never really lead me anywhere productive though. My rushing has only lead to trouble so I don’t want to do that this time around. If it happens, it happens. Yes, I know I say this a lot but we’re back to that trying thing!
I’m actually kinda glad he doesn’t have my cell phone number yet. There’s a lot less temptation to reach out to him this way. On a regular basis I mean. I’m learning that he’s kinda bad at email. Not sure what it is. If he just doesn’t like email, or if he prefers to talk, or something else entirely. Perhaps we’ll find out in time? It sucks a little bit since I’m so much better at the written word but I can totally see how we’ve already established this witty banter that would not translate well via text. Probably best that we don’t establish the instant response thing, or relatively quick response either, that way I won’t be too bummed when we go weeks between conversations.
There was a part of me that was tempted not to reach out at all. I don’t want to make too many moves and then misread what happens. But I think it’s the right thing to do in this situation. He told me about the surgery and all, and if I remember correctly he said that he would be going back in tomorrow to have whatever strange device with wires they implanted into his back removed. What kind of a person would I be if I didn’t check up on him? I guess I want him to know that I can be kind and caring? That would be a good thing I think. Not sure why but this really is the person that I am, I shouldn’t try to act any differently just because outcomes are so uncertain.
I want him to know the real me and the real me wants to check up on him tomorrow to make sure he’s ok, even if he does say it’s minor and not a big deal. Some times it feels like we’ve known each other for a lot longer than we have. It feels comfortable and easy, I think. But the reality is that we’ve only met twice! A couple hours each time. And a couple phone calls. That’s it. It definitely feels much longer than that.
That’s kinda rare isn’t it? To feel comfortable like that with someone you barely know. And I want to continue to be cautious. I want to keep my walls up. I want to protect myself. I don’t want to misinterpret or misread. But it’s crazy and interesting the way we’ve started to so easily transition out of a work relationship into a semi-personal one. I mean all the talk about getting together for drinks, or him cooking for me, or hanging out. It just seems to come naturally without a second thought. I’m not like that with anyone else I work with.
We’ll see how it goes tomorrow. I hope it’s not weird or awkward. I hope I can come up with enough words to say.
I will say one little thing: I took it as a good sign that he was already trying to put me on the phone with his friend. His “best friend”. We were talking about travelling and when I mentioned a possible trip to North/South Carolina he said that his best friend had just gotten back from out there and they actually preferred Georgia over the Carolinas. He started talking about how they’d planned to spend two weeks there and after two days decided to go back to GA instead. I started joking as per usual and told him how he’d just ruined my trip. He said it wasn’t him, that he was just relaying the information, and when I started asking about it he said that he’d call his friend up right then and put us on a three way call and I could ask him all the questions I wanted.
Uh....no thank you. I told him that that was okay. I didn’t want to be mean to him in front of his friends. haha. He started saying stuff, but we were both talking at the same time so I didn’t catch it all. Then I was rambling about how I couldn’t do that because I’d want to make a good impression and I’d want them to think I was nice because they didn’t know me. He said something about how I knew him now so all niceties had gone out the window. And there was a bunch of joking about it all. But it did seem like a good sign? That he was willing to let me talk to his friends already. You know, if I were the kind of person that read into these types of things. ha!
This might have been around the same time that I stuck my foot in my mouth because we were talking about my being mean/nice and he goes, “It’s ok. Don’t worry, you can’t hurt my feelings.” And without even thinking I said something like, “hah. I don’t know about that....” Then within about a second I realized that I’d basically just told him that I could hurt his feelings and was like oh shit! Wait. Pause. Let me try that again!!
I instantly started stuttering and stammering about how that’s not what I meant, and wow that came out wrong, and that’s not it at all. OMG I’m a fool. haha.
He took it all in stride though, of course! He said something about how that was a challenge. I go, “yeah, I kinda took it that way.” And he made more jokes about it being a challenge and I said I took it back and I didn’t want to take the challenge anymore. I was sorry. It was just the way he said it though! It was just one of those reactions to his words. I didn’t even realize what I was saying until after I’d said it.
I don’t usually back-track like that either so I’ll put that in the plus column. Normally I’d just roll with it and play it off. I can’t remember the last time I took back something I said even if it came off super sarcastic and rude. This time I’m glad I picked up on it so quickly. It came out so wrong. Like I wanted to hurt him and that’s definitely not the case! I’m glad he was so easy going about it. He clearly recognized that I didn’t mean it in a bad way and good on him! He gets points on this one too.
Hmm…I should probably try to be nicer to him though, huh? I don’t want to chase him away so quickly.
There was a thought that crossed my mind earlier today about how if I were ever to find someone then they’d probably have to work really hard to break through my walls. I’m not sure how fair that is. It’s probably not fair at all. Honestly if I had walls up before, they’ve only gone up higher in the last year. I’m just not trying to get hurt again. I barely survived the last round. =’(
Bed time now.
rose.
11:04pm
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