10:32pm
I feel like I start every entry the same these days. I’m either sitting at work or I’m trying to figure out why I’m avoiding this. Today it’s avoiding, obviously, I’m not at work at this hour. hah. I don’t even have a reason to avoid but man it’s like my brain and fingers refuse to work together to put words to the page. I’m not going to say anything particularly important or scandalous. I just need to type. I’m so behind on all of my stories!
I just checked my email for like the 4th time together because I’m finding it hard to believe that the Sheriff has not written me back. That guy’s killin’ me with all his “I look forward to hearing from you soon”s and then not saying anything for two weeks. Who does that? Why is he so terrible at communicating? Also, why do I always think his words mean more than they do? If I learn anything in life, I should learn to stop freakin overthinking everything! Seriously. It’s a terrible habit. I overthink his words and I overthink his lack of response and none of it does me any good.
I’ve realized lately that I haven’t been doing myself any good at all. My thoughts always revolve around the same feelings and I’m basically just torturing myself going over everything again and again. It’s stupid. So stupid. Why do I insist on making myself suffer?! I know what it’s doing to me. I clearly recognize it and yet I do very little to change it. I think that’s ridiculous.
There is hope though. There’s a part of me that is trying really very hard to change these thoughts. I’m trying to accept the way my life is and move forward but it’s still a struggle. An almost every day struggle. I don’t feel like I should hide that from this place even if I feel like a fool. It’s real. It’s just the way it goes, I guess. I think it’s possible that there are a lot of things that I’m not letting myself process and that’s why I always end up back in the same place.
I had these thoughts earlier and maybe I can make them make sense here.
See, I’m very naive. I can admit that. I’m pretty sheltered and I am still of the notion that ignorance is bliss. I know that this isn’t always a healthy way to live, but I like it. I like not running around in a negative, untrusting, depressed state of mind. Because if I watched the news, and listened to everything that was happening, and saw the world for what it really was, I think I would be very unhappy. In a way that I’m not sure I would be able to get over.
It’s like that time our apartment got broken into. I never knew that that could happen. I mean, I knew it happened. Of course! But I never thought it would happen to me. And I certainly never thought it would be my downstairs neighbor. I’d never done anything to them. I’d never been anything but friendly. I was so naive that I thought that mattered in life. I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to and that day my world was shattered. It didn’t make sense. It couldn’t be real.
It happened though and over the years I’ve learned to accept that and move forward.
And I realized that that’s probably what’s happened with TF. If I’m naive in life I am even more naive in terms of the relationship world. My experience is next to none and I have a very skewed perspective on the whole thing. I’ve noticed lately that it’s gotten a lot worse too. Like I’ve started to think that guys are these emotionless robots that just want to have sex with women and don’t give a damn about anything else.
This isn’t true though! I know this. I’ve known and been friends with a lot of men. They aren’t that coldhearted! They do have emotions. I’ve seen them. I’ve heard them. I’ve felt them.
I just don’t have a healthy strong relationship to look up to. My perspective is skewed because of all the f*cked up things I’ve witnessed. There isn’t anyone in my world that I can look at and think, “wow. That’s what love is. Beautiful and amazing.” All I see is the negative. Everyone from the couples who have been together a year to 30+ is just a bunch of unhappiness. People who call their gfs “bitch” behind they’re back. People who are probably cheating on their wives. People who are divorced and fighting. Even my own immediate family. I mean, I saw and had to deal with a lot of adult things as a kid. Stuff I should never have had to deal with and it’s screwed me up. Plus I’ve been reading all about these horrible dates and stuff people are dealing with on here and holy cow my thoughts are nothing but negative.
I seem to have taken all of this in and suddenly TF became this coldhearted jerk and I can’t get that image out of my head. It was something that I thought was special that turned out really terribly and it’s just added to this list of relationships and men I’ve seen. And there’s so much negative running through my head that I can’t clear it out. I start to think that every man ever is going to be this way. I don’t even want to feel this way about TF. Because I know he’s not a monster. Deep down inside I still think that he was scared. I still believe that I was so different from the women he’s used to dealing with that he didn’t know how to handle me.
Maybe that’s just me covering things up. Maybe that’s just me trying to make excuses so I can deal, but it’s the way I feel. I will always feel that way about him until I find out otherwise. It’s just that I can’t straighten out all of these thoughts in my head. Like this is the way I feel about him deep down but this negative perspective clouds everything up.
So it’s the 23rd now and I have no idea where else I was going to go with this so I should probably just post and put any other thoughts that come up into a new entry. If I don’t post now this’ll sit here in the drafts folder for an eternity and there’s so much else going on that I haven’t written about. It seems pretty summed up on its own anyway.
Interesting the way things can change in a day and when you least expect them, huh? =)
rose.
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