5:28pm
Well, I’m not sure why I’m avoiding this today but I am. I tried starting an entry hours ago while I sat at the office. I came up with pretty much every distraction I could think of and then just as I was ready to sit down and type, we had to go. Convenient timing, eh?
We’re travelling again at the end of this week. Not sure how I feel. I want to be excited. I’m just tired today. =|
I’m currently waiting on laundry and watching old episodes of ER because there’s nothing on TV. Not even trashy television! I always remember this show as the reason why I started staying up past my bedtime [9pm] when I was in like early high school. It always came on at 10pm and I loved it so much I had to stay up. haha. The beginning of the end.
It’s hard to believe it’s almost the middle of July! I think maybe because I had such a hard time recovering after the season that the days flew right by me and I didn’t even notice them. Like when did June happen?? I don’t even remember. It was all a giant blur.
I was trying so hard to take care of my own mental health that I didn’t really spend much time thinking about anything else. I was just trying to stay afloat and keep my head above water. I never expected to be in that situation. When I got happy and healthy and found a new normal, I never considered that I might be back there again someday. Especially not at that level. But I guess it was just something I had to go through. It all happens for a reason.
I feel like some day I’m going to look back on this and laugh. I’m so sure I’ll get to that point and I feel like I am so close.
But I did have a moment of panic yesterday: I was sitting at the front desk and I happened to glance up out the window to catch the tail-end of a brown chevy. I thought it was him. I pretty much always think it’s him. So I pushed it out of my head and figured there was no way and went back to doing actual work for the quarter.
Within about a minute someone walks by the window and he’s the perfect height, similar style wardrobe, with a baseball cap on the top of his head. I saw him out of the corner of my eye as he passed the small space of window where I sit.
My heart started racing involuntarily as I imagined him reaching for the door and walking in to stand right in front of me.
It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds before he walked by the other half of the window [but it felt like hours] and I caught sight of the rest of his face as he continued walking around the corner instead of coming in. It wasn’t him. And I made sure to double check when he walked by again a couple minutes later. Definitely not him.
It was so damn close though. Too damn close for comfort. It made me realize that it is very possible that I am not ready to see him again without freaking out. When I do see him again I want to be cool, and calm, and collected. I’m just not there yet.
I keep saying I want to see him again, but clearly the Universe knows more than I do and that’s why he hasn’t been put back on my path. It’ll come when it’s supposed to. Hopefully that’ll be at a time where I don’t make a complete fool of myself.
During breakfast this morning I walked into the dining room and found this little blue crab made out of glass sitting at my spot. It was a cute little thing! When mom walked into the area later I made this big joke about hurting my finger when I set down my coffee cup. Because I’m cool like that obviously [and maybe a little like a 12 yr old on the inside. hah]. She started laughing and made a joke about how it was replacing the crab that I never got. …
Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about that until she said it. We joke about it a lot, but this morning I didn’t make that connection.
Oh! sidenote: the other day at the 4th of July party everyone kept asking why I wasn’t drinking. Mom made a joke about how I was in love. So later when they were asking me over and over again [seriously though, these people are crazy. I didn’t know what I wanted to drink & I had to get up super early the next day and they were acting like something was totally wrong with me!] one lady said that she thought my mom was right about my being in love. I made a face or something and then everyone got involved. And my cousin goes “Ohhh! Is it that guy that didn’t show up??” Or something like that that referred to my being stood up on the crab date. Mom got all confused like she didn’t know who she was talking about because she was joking about the Sheriff. I didn’t say anything and then someone else told my cousin she was harsh and she goes, “what?! that’s what she told me! That he fell asleep or something.”
The way she was saying it though made it sound really bad and all of a sudden all these feelings bubbled up inside of me and I thought I was going to burst into tears. No one knows how much I hurt because of that.
That’s the thing. Like with the crab this morning. She thought it was hilarious but it changed the whole perspective of it. I later said something about how that particular crab would make a cute tattoo on my shoulder and mom goes, “so it can remind you of missing out on crab?” I laughed and said, “No, so it can remind me to stay away from stuff like that. To stay away from boys and stick to being on my own!”
It’s that whole thing though. That no one, absolutely no one [except anyone who might be lingering around here] knows that I was crushed by the TF thing. It’s not like when you’re with someone for a while and everyone knows you guys together so when you break up they console you and you get to cry on their shoulder. This was so private, and so personal, that I had to grieve and deal with all of my feelings on my own. I’m not saying that I would have actually been the kind of person to go cry to someone else, because I don’t know that, but I didn’t even have that option. It didn’t exist outside of us. Outside of TF and I. And I kinda hate that. It sucks that it meant so much to me and I can’t share that with anyone. I guess what really sucks is that the only other person that I could/did share it with is the same person that I can’t talk to at all. =(
Also, it doesn’t help my mood that the Sheriff still has not written me back. I’m trying not to overthink this! But HA you all know me. I know the reality is that he’s probably super busy at work and/or he’s trying to come up with some really good suggestions for me. I just can’t help thinking I said something wrong. Like I probably shouldn’t have made that joke about how I didn’t use his cell phone number because it takes him two weeks to answer and I thought e-mail would be faster. Maybe he’s going to make me wait two weeks just to torture me! I also made a stupid joke about his paragraph on burglary and ugh. He should understand my ridiculous sense of humor by now, right? He likes that I’m quick-witted damnit.
I’m so not overthinking this. Can’t you tell!?!
rose.
9:28pm
Loading comments...