It has been 10 days, and I still have not told anyone. Some I know (essentially) what they would say:
Be and Ma would show worry. They would be concerned that he is leading me on… that this will prevent me (once again) from moving on. They do not like him, though they never met him. They just know/ remember my broken heart from 5 years ago.
Ly and Al would be excited for me, thinking that this is a sign he is ready to get back together. They would immediately think we are ready for a relationship again. The two of them can be such hopeless romantics!!
Il would just want me to be ok and happy - she would ask if I am happy about it, and if so, then she would support me. We have actually had such conversations before. It is no wonder that I tend to confide in her more than others.
I don’t know really what Ba and Lo would say. I know that they want me to be happy, too. But they would both probably tell me their opinion. I think both would be worried about me.
Truthfully, I haven’t dated in the 4-5 yrs since we broke up. We never stopped spending time together since the relationship ended. I was so heart-broken when it was over that I could not bring myself to lose him altogether. I know that he is still attracted to me, and once about 3 years ago I told him outright that I wanted to get back together with him. But he said that that wasn’t what he wanted.
He is chronically single (I guess I am chronically single too). But he doesn’t see himself in a relationship, and would rather be on his own. I think that my encouragement into a less-than-casual relationship started pushing him away. Yet there is something about us that works… or used to work. Plainly I’m not over him.
After spending time together for 4-5 years as friends, we have gotten into comfortable habits. We always hug goodbye, and depending on how we are feeling he might allow a peck (kiss) from me. Sometimes in jest we’d grab the other’s ass. But it has not seemed sexual.
10 days ago, he came to visit me. It was the first time I had seem him since my surgery. And he would be leaving in less than a week for Europe for vacation. After dinner, it was late and time for him to leave to catch his train (and I was pretty tired from a long day and a few glasses of wine), we had our now typical hug and grab-ass play. Then he cradled my face in his hands to kiss me. After a couple of peck kisses, I felt his tongue… and i melted.
It wasn’t me, but him who promoted this advance. Sure, I could chalk it off to a few drinks and not thinking straight, but after 4-5 years of him always being “careful” (and there are typically a few drinks involved when we get together), it is more difficult to think as an error.
But soon enough he left, headed home. I texted to make sure he got home ok, and he responded to thank me for a wonderful evening (this is typical for him/ us after seeing each other).
Following day, he told me he actually missed the last train of the night home! He didn’t come back (he said) because he knew I was tired already and needed my rest, so he stayed at the train station overnight. Yikes!! But I’m also wondering if he didn’t come back because that evening might have been a sexually charged environment with me.
We texted the next few days until he left for his trip. No mention of the kiss - but that wouldn’t be his style anyway. I can’t help but wonder if this would be our new normal? Has he thought about getting back together? Or was this just a slip-up....
We did talk that maybe when he returns it would be my turn to visit him (especially so he did not need to battle the train!). Ok, it was my suggestion, but he replied that he liked that idea.
He doesn’t normally keep in touch too well while traveling, so I can only obsessively wait… and try not to get my hopes us. I’m trying to remind myself that it was likely just a slip-up, and that he is not good at (nor does he see himself in) relationships. Yet, it is hard not to think about that kiss. But, it was only a kiss, right?
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