9:39pm
I’m not sure how far I’ll get on this. I would like to type everything up to get it out of my head and then move on, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen tonight. I’ve been avoiding this for a while now, which has become a very common theme lately. Like I work up a lot of thoughts and entries in my head but I cannot seem to convince myself to come in here and type them out. I know I need this. I know that it is always so helpful for me. But I just can’t seem to do it. There’s still a part of me that’s scared to put a lot of this stuff into words.
I know that I complain a lot. That’s nothing new. But these are really strong, kinda scary, feelings and I don’t know how willing I am to admit them. It’s so hard to accept. I read back on that last entry and the only thing I could think is how it was such bullsh*t. I mean, I meant what I said at the time but within a few days I completely fell back into that hole I thought I’d crawled out of. So it all feels so fake. Like I was excited and enthusiastic to move on and get over and I am not there at all anymore.
There’s a part of me that’s really starting to think that I might be dealing with some form of depression. I haven’t felt this way since I was a teenager. And the only reason I’m saying these things is because I am very self-aware. I can recognize my feelings and I see them for exactly what they are. I don’t always deal with them in the best ways, but I definitely see them. So I know that this isn’t just like a sadness that I’m dealing with.
Even as a teenager I could recognize these feelings inside of myself. I could sense how far I’d fallen and I knew I had to find ways to deal with that. I’m not sure I ever said it back then but I definitely contemplated suicide. I would never follow through on that. I know that. I can absolutely guarantee that! So there’s no worries there. But I had those thoughts. And I’m worried that I’m going to start having them again.
That’s a really hard thing to admit. But it has been hard.
I know that I’ve attributed a lot of my feelings lately to TF and our whole situation, but I also know that it’s not all about him. He was just the trigger, the spark, the catalyst that pushed things over the edge.
This isn’t all about him or about what I feel I lost in the situation. There’s more to it than that but I haven’t been able to connect to that part of myself. I don’t know what those other things are yet. Maybe there are a lot of feelings inside that haven’t been dealt with.
It’s hard to feel this way because at the same time I have never felt this much confidence in myself. I can’t remember ever being this comfortable in my own skin. This is new, and amazing, and I am so excited to experience it.
But right now it’s all tainted by these terrible feelings I’m having. And no body knows that I’m having them! I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve in general and even less in these personal situations. It’s not like in the movies where you run to your best friend or your family after you feel “heartbroken” or whatever. I don’t have that.
My mom’s probably the only person in the world that knows and saw what was going on between TF and I and I don’t think she even has a clue as to how it all turned out. I can tell she knows things changed and that we don’t talk anymore, but she doesn’t ask about it. We’re just not that kind of family. I certainly don’t say anything about it either. So no one knows how much it has affected me. No body knows that I’ve felt so terrible since then, except y’all.
I’ve had these moments lately where I’ve been sitting around thinking and there’s one reoccurring thought about how I feel dead inside. There’s just nothing going on in there, despite all of the feelings that I think I’m feeling. It’s just dead. Void. Empty.
I definitely do not like having those thoughts. I don’t really know what to do about them right now, but I don’t like them at all. They’re not me. I shouldn’t be feeling that way right now. I should be experiencing life. I should be enjoying it! I should be running around with this new confidence and having fun. But I can’t enjoy any of it.
It hurts. Like really, really hurts. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like that before. And I just don’t know how to get over it. I don’t know how to work my way through this. I thought that I was doing better. I thought that getting away was just what I needed. But now I’m wondering if maybe I need to get away on a more permanent basis.
At the same time though I wonder if maybe that would be worse for me. I see how it could be good to get away and be alone but I wonder if I might spiral if that happens. I want so badly to get away and fix myself. But I can see that part of me that could easily turn to drinking too much, and not eating, and digging a deeper hole so that I can’t pull myself out.
There’s a part of me that feels like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and regret saying any of this. That’s how I always feel when I pour out all the real feelings that are inside. The real, scary, hard to acknowledge kind of feelings. I always have this sense of regret after getting all vulnerable and open about everything.
I’m alone tonight in this house. For the first time in at least a year but probably more than that. It’s actually helpful to have that space to live the way that I want and feel the things that I feel.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this one. I really want to move on but I don’t know how to let go.
Since the TF situation is the only one that I am aware of, it’s the only one that I feel like I can deal with. And I was thinking about this today and I start to wonder if I haven’t done more harm than good. Like maybe I’ve been so adamant about not making it a big deal, and getting over it, and all my feelings having been made up in my head that I’m not actually accepting the reality of it.
It’s just that the reality of having actually liked him as much as I think I did is pretty crushing to my soul and I still can’t decide which feeling is worse…
I should probably go to bed because I’m just spinning in circles here. I need to say these things though. They hurt like hell but they’re happening and I need to deal with them. I wish that I could clear the air with him but I know that that’s not going to happen. I need to accept that and find other ways to cope.
You don’t always get what you want out of life. No matter how perfect you think it is; it doesn’t always work out the way you think it should, or the way you want it to.
rose.
11:13pm
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