9:18pm
Where should I start today?
I don’t know why it always surprises me how quickly time flies by. That was some dark sh*t I was feeling and half-way expressing the other day. I knew that I would feel better after I wrote it out but I’d been avoiding it for so long that I didn’t know how to put the words together. I just really did not want to be feeling that way and I felt like admitting it would give it some kind of validation, or something.
It worked out perfectly that I was alone in the house that night. I finally found the space to go through everything in my mind and type it out without interruption. I’m sure there was a lot more I could have said, but the main points were made. I know I mentioned dealing with depression and I think I was on the tail-end of that, which is why I could finally admit it.
I’d fallen into this deep dark hole and it was scary. It brought back all of these flashbacks of some of my darkest times and I hated that. I think that was the biggest thing I was trying to deal with; I hated feeling that way! I hated that I couldn’t pull myself out of it and that I couldn’t really figure out the real reason I was feeling that way. [I blamed tf at the beginning but this wasn’t about him. He doesn’t have that kind of control over my emotions.] I especially hated that all of my hard work over the last five years or so seemed to be destroyed in an instant.
It’s been a really, really long time since I’d felt any of those feelings. I can’t believe I ever spent so long feeling them all those years ago. It was totally foreign to me this time around, which is crazy and amazing. I lived in that dark gloomy hole for so long that it had become the only thing I knew. I’m so amazed and grateful that I’ve forgotten how to live in those feelings. That’s one of the biggest lessons here for sure. I’ve finally found a new normal!
I couldn’t have these realizations without putting everything into words though. I’m so glad I finally took the time to do that. It was so worth it!
I think those dark days over. I really want to believe that they are all behind me. I’m not saying that I won’t ever feel them again, but I hope I’m done with them for a long while. They were kinda devastating to my world. And I was hiding it all which probably just compounded the problem.
Ah well. I’m here now, right? That’s what counts.
I need to start talking and thinking about different things. I need to get away from all that and start to move forward. I mean, clearly this won’t be the last time you hear about TF. He was huge in my world so I’ll process that for a while yet, but I won’t let it consume me anymore.
Of course though, just to show you how much the universe loves to torture me: day before yesterday I was dealing with all of these feelings and I was poking through fb [because I also love to torture myself and social media makes everything so damn easy!] and I saw a post from one of his brothers. He was telling TF that he loves him and that he just wanted him to know something like, “you are the most loyal person in our family and that I’ve ever met.” =| Several people had already “liked” it too including people not in his family. Ask anyone that knows him and I can bet that 97% of them will tell you that he’s very sweet and loyal.
And I thought, “HA! You all don’t know him the way that I do! Let me show you the messages he’s sent me.” As if he were manipulating all of them into thinking something that isn’t true.
But I know that that doesn’t mean anything. He really is that sweet with people. They all say so. I guess that means that my real issue here is that I’m envious. Why did I not get to see that side of him? Or why did I get so very little of it? Why’d he flip on me? Why am I the only one that thought all of his sweet words were bullsh*t? Is that my own issue or everyone else’s? =\
It’s probably mine. Because I do sh*t like open myself up to people, despite my best efforts not to, and I get hurt. I get freaken crushed by it every time.
There’s this picture of my maternal grandparents and my grandpa is up on a horse staring down at my grandma standing next to him and he’s laughing. The way they’re smiling at each other is the kind of stuff you see in movies. Like they should be on a poster for the most romantic movie ever. I’m not even kidding. It’s amazing.
And I was looking at it today and I made a joke. I asked if that was real or staged. I’d bet that right after the picture was taken she pushed him off the horse and shoved him to the ground.
Because that’s how f*cking jaded/bitter I am! It’s terrible man. Even as I said it I knew how stupid it was. But there just isn’t any part of me that feels like that could be real. I don’t have any healthy loving relationships to look up to. That picture is all I have and I can’t prove it was real. I have to accept it on faith alone.
You try doing that!
I really do want to make it to the other side of this. This was supposed to be such a good year for me! I had such high hopes for it! Instead of enjoying it I’ve been wallowing in this total misery and I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s so exhausting.
I mean, this has been a good year so far if you take out all of the depressing thoughts. I was proposed to twice for Pete’s sake!! Me! Of all people. And that guy that filled out our survey and said he gave us 5s because I was “very pretty.” That’s crazy. People didn’t even flirt with me before last year! And these are good stories to tell about our season. It’s just been so tainted though.
I want to tell these stories instead. I want to laugh, and joke, and have a good time with all of it. I don’t want to sit around and cry because it didn’t work out the way that I wanted it to. Tough sh*t kid! Life isn’t fair. We all know that. Move on.
I want to enjoy this time in my life. I’m finally hitting my stride. Every thing is finally coming together in the perfect combination! I can feel and act my best and show that off to the world. I’ve been hiding for so damn long. I just want to take full advantage of this while I have it. You never know how long it’s going to last!
So I think I’m ready to accept this for what it is. I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to take all of the good out of it and let go of the bad.
It’s time.
It’s really, honestly, finally time.
rose.
10:43pm
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