1:21pm
I’ve been procrastinating again on coming in here to type stuff up. I am seriously good at that. I know a major reason for it this time around is because I don’t, or didn’t, want to put into words the way I’m feeling. It has taken a whole hell of a lot of processing but I think I have finally come to a place where I’m feeling okay about what’s happened. I had a feeling, over the last few days, that I was getting close to a breakthrough.
I’m not going to finish this right now, because I’m going to go have margaritas at the beach to celebrate Tuesday, but I wanted to start something so I quit procrastinating. It’s a lot easier to finish something that’s already started versus actually starting something.
Yes, I still feel a little silly making this seem way more important than it probably is. I’m sure I sound like a crazy person. It’s just really hard not to feel things the way that I feel them. Everything has always been pretty intense for me. This hasn’t been any different. I can’t pretend that it isn’t working out this way in my head. It’s ok to share that, I think. It’s just the way it is.
9:32pm
I’m back. And I’m a little tipsy. =]
Don’t blame me though. I had 4 margaritas at dinner and it was so fun. There ended up being six of us total and we sat around and ate and drank and it was good times. I think I only thought about TF a couple of times and it wasn’t even in a bad way. It definitely does not hurt the way that it used to. Shoot, just the thought of him a couple of weeks ago would cause tears to well up in my eyes. That’s not happening anymore and I am so grateful!
That’s not to say that I don’t still cry. It must have been Sunday night, I think, that I broke down into another sobbing mess. The difference this time is that I realized that I’m not actually crying about him anymore. I’m crying about the idea of him. The idea of what I thought we could have. Because I still think we could have been so good together. He made me want to be a better person and I think I could have done good things for him too.
My tears are coming from the loss of that idea of us. The idea of becoming a part of his family. It just felt so right! I’ve always wanted to be a part of a big family and he has this huge family and I get along so well with everyone I’ve met so far [a brother, sister, and sister-in-law]. I’m grieving over the loss of what we could have been in theory. Over the idea that I’d worked up in my head [even though I knew better than that!].
I feel like that’s healthy. That that means that I am processing this in all the right ways. It’s not about him anymore. It’s about the idea of him and what I wanted us to be. That’s not the same as reality though. It’s good to realize that the reality of our situation did not match my fantasy. I think I forgot that for a while there, but I’m figuring it out again. This is good!
Getting away this last week was so good for me. I’ve already mentioned it in the last entry but I needed this. I needed to get away. I needed the space. I needed the distractions, and the change of pace, and the change of environment. I needed to get away from here and stop the constant reminders. That has made such a huge difference in my world. I didn’t even realize it could be that simple. Just get away and get over it.
I also did something else that was good for me: on Sunday I drank that last Black Butte I had sitting in the fridge since October. Part of the reason being that I bought a new case in OR the other day and it was stupid to have an old one in there when I have all new ones. But also it was a symbol. A sign that has been sitting there for months and I needed to get rid of it. It’s been there since my last OR trip before we went on our first “date”. It’s the beer I drank that night at the restaurant [and planned to tell him later that I had some at home but never got the chance..]. It was sitting there as a reminder of what we had and could have been. Drinking it was a way for me to let go. And I know that it sounds totally lame and cheesy but I took that bottle cap and wrote the dates on it and tossed it into an old coin jar. A reminder for the future but still a way to let go.
Earlier today, before I started the first part of this entry, I was poking around fb and I came across a new picture of him. Yes, I know that I shouldn’t keep estalking his page but every now and then I click over just to see a picture or two. It helps me to look at him when I’m thinking through every thing. =)
So I saw that a new picture had been posted on Sunday and I looked at it and didn’t feel much of anything. This is good. So good. Because before I’d see a picture of him and my hand would tingle at the thought of feeling connected to him. I’d think about how much I missed his affection and/or attention. But this time I just looked at it. It took me a minute to figure out where he was in the picture [it was a whole group of his brothers/friends]. I clicked to expand and saw him and was like “wow”.
He looked so different. I’m not even sure what it was about him. Like I started to think about it and I’m not even sure I was really attracted to him? He’s so not my type. I know I’ve mentioned that before. So maybe it’s possible that I got so lost in his attention that I started to believe that I felt more for him than I really did. I don’t know. I’m not sure how possible that is. Because I did feel a lot of things for him, but I also know that a lot of things were blurred because we had such intense chemistry. That just wasn’t enough for me.
I wonder if maybe I just liked the attention. I wonder if I would have felt the same way about him if I didn’t get lost in it. I wonder if I got so wrapped up in it only because he was the first person I wanted that wanted me back. I wonder a lot of things.
That picture though. I think that’s the first time I’ve seen him without a baseball cap? At least in recent pictures. And it’s definitely the first time I’ve seen him in a short-sleeve shirt, which is crazy! It’s weird to think that I’d never seen his arms before today, either in person or in picture. But yeah, I saw that picture and I’m just not sure what it was about him. I know there were a lot of emotional things, and a lot of in person physical things, and definitely a lot of chemical things, but I don’t know. He’s a cute old man, but I just don’t get it.
I’d really like to get to a place where this doesn’t mean so much. If this were an ideal world, I would like to get to a place where I could see him and joke around with him and give him a hard time for setting my ego straight. For humbling me by standing me up. I want to get to a place where it isn’t such a big damn deal. I mean, it is what it is.
I was totally hesitant and reluctant at the beginning and I have no idea when/where/how I got so wrapped up in it but I did. I guess that’s ok. It certainly taught me a lot about myself. That’s good, right? And I for sure gained an immense confidence from our interactions that I never could have dreamed of. People comment about how much more beautiful I’ve gotten. They don’t even know.
I’d like to continue that. I want to be this better version of myself. And for a long time I didn’t know how to be this person without him in my life but I think I’m starting to figure that out. He doesn’t have to be here. Honestly, I remember back in October how I wanted to contact CK but I didn’t because I thought that TF deserved a fair shot. Well, I gave him that fair shot and he didn’t take advantage of it. There’s nothing I can do about that. I tried, I really did, and I can’t do much of anything to change the way things turned out. I know what I want and I know what I deserve and it’s his loss for not thinking I was worth what I know I’m worth.
That’s ok. It is what it is. I always say that. The world will work itself out the way it is supposed to. I have no doubt in that. I just forget sometimes…but I think I’m finally starting to remember again and it feels so damn good. So fresh, and new, and wonderful.
I’m ready to start over again.
rose.
11:36pm
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