Well, it was slightly longer than a month before Dad started attempting contact. He started to call Ian as I continued to block and ignore his attempts. I felt I needed to offer an explanation, partly due to programming, and partly moral obligation. Ian offered to speak to him and say I’m not going to answer his calls because of Mum. Dad started to tear up and said he had to go. So I feel kind of guilty right now, even though I know I probably shouldn’t. It’s just me not engaging with toxic behaviour, and her web reaches too far.
I was a little mad that Ian’s explanation further perpetrates their idea I’m completely deluded and they’ve done nothing wrong. I wanted to emphasise that it was emotional abuse from my brother as manipulated by our mother that was the tipping point. I can’t have anything to do with Dad because he passes on what I say to her, and that’s not his fault, he’s been isolated and has no one else to talk to; another manipulative tool.
He will be home from work in an hour… And will talk to Mum, who will call my conformist brother. Then the messages will start.
In other news my egg donation approval is rolling steadily along, one more blood test to go for genetic markers and God I hope I pass them. There are two families already quietly lined up and I’m not sure they were supposed to let that information slip.
I fell off the wagon a little at the start of the month. Sarai looked after me and between her and Ian and lots of cuddles I’m coming back to a steady coping plateau. Money is the thing. I have less. I don’t think I can cope with work, study, kids, chronic illness… But I’m being forced to give it a go. “15hrs a week is nothing, you can do that. Let’s just say that you can and you can try it, and if it doesn’t work come back and speak to us.” Fucks sake lady you’re going to make me prove and justify my illness to you by failing a basic life requirement? I’ll just not let that be depressing when it happens because you don’t believe I know my own physical limits.
Fuck I need to stand up for myself more.
SP
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